Last week I contracted some kind of debilitating virus combined with a head cold. Add to that sleep deprivation and no hot water and I’m not the best company. I was literally running on empty. Woe is bloody me.
I’m just outlining the facts so my parenting failures have at least some kind of background justification. Although you and I both know, when the guilt sets in, there are seemingly no legitimate excuses for behaving like a thoughtless idiot.
On Wednesday James picked Mabel up from nursery, apparently she had only been for a wee once, which is unlike her – she drinks a lot and was fully potty trained within 3 days (we didn’t implement some magic method, it’s more a reflection on how quickly Mabel picks things up in general). So it was particularly odd. She also seemed more subdued than normal.
Fearing the beginning of some kind of urinary tract infection (for me a lack of shut eye always results in the over dramatisation of any situation) I asked if she wanted to go to the toilet, to which she replied quite forcefully that she did not. I reminded her that she had only been once that day and that Mummy would really like her to try and have a wee. She refused again and promptly stamped her feet in protest (this often makes me laugh but due to the circumstances simply made me exasperated).
Next I tried bargaining, “Mabel if you at least try to have a wee then you can have an ice lolly afterwards”. Mabel then decided that actually she would like an ice lolly now Right Now! and proceeded to toddle off into the kitchen towards the freezer. At this point I lost it. I pulled her by the arm (it makes me wince just typing the words) spun her around and shouted at her that she couldn’t have an ice lolly and that she was very naughty….for essentially what? not doing exactly as I asked?
Mabel burst into tears. The hysterical heartbreaking kind where they try and talk but can’t quite get the words out through the weeping and frustration. I could make out something about a sore bottom and that she hadn’t been naughty, she just didn’t want a wee and really wanted an ice lolly because she was hungry.
I asked her to let me take a look and sure enough, she hadn’t been cleaned properly, her backside was red raw and I promptly removed her trousers and underwear. So there was my daughter, starving (I’m assuming her discomfort also put her off her lunch) and extraordinarily upset that I’ve made out she had somehow misbehaved. And I’m there kneeling on the floor, soiled bunny print knickers in one hand, head in the other, wondering what exactly I am supposed to do to turn the situation around. My puzzled and defeated expression only fuelled her distress. Fuck, fuck……fuck.
I cleaned her up. She had a wee. I let her have two mini milks, a bowl of raspberries and a chocolate tea cake.
We were friends again.
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t still feel like absolute crap over the whole ordeal. And like the merry-go round that is motherhood, I couldn’t sleep because of my apparent failings.
Why wasn’t I more understanding? Why wasn’t I more patient? Why didn’t I automatically know what the problem was? How could I offer something I know she wants as a bribe then in a heartbeat take it away again?
I’m almost over it now. Almost.
Parenting isn’t like a box of chocolates, or a curated instagram grid. Sometimes it’s confusing and shitty (literally). Three years in and I’m still learning.
For a thoroughly more pleasant feature, I’m sharing my kitchen makeover plans over on Rock My Style today.
Header image by Anna at We Are // The Clarkes
Oh love, in a world of perfect parents and instamums it’s so nice to read this.
Why are we so hard on ourselves? I bet Mabel forgot about it as soon as Mini Milk #2 made an appearance. I beat myself up for days on the odd occasion I’ve lost patience or yelled at E & made her cry (even when one of those times she was doing her best to electrocute herself). I convince myself she will never love such a horrible Mummy and I’m definitely not up to the job.
It’s good to know it’s not just me ❤❤x
I think I was so upset because I thought of her being uncomfortable all day and not being able to explain/somehow she seemed to not want to say anything. Then she came home for some comfort from her Mum and was shouted at and bribed (!)
I shout mostly when she’s putting herself in danger like when E tries to electrocute herself – Mabel does like to “play” on the stairs no matter how many times we tell her not to. It’s not because I want to raise my voice, I just want her to not injure herself.
I have a stock of mini milks in the freezer xx
Just wait til they are at the age where they’re all too willing to tell us what’s annoying or upsetting them… and probably that it’s all our fault too.
Hopefully it gets easier somewhere in between! Until then… I really must buy some mini milks x
Thank you! This is not something you’ll often see on parenting blogs and yet it seems wildly important and lovely to hear that we all ‘lose it’ sometimes.
Recently, I yelled at Ethan in the car to not ask me the same question 400 times (especially when I answered it the first 10)… Only to have him respond “But Mummy, I just want to talk to you”. Cue, heart crushing guilt.
I find the hardest thing is when I’ve physically overpowered him in the past. You instantly feel how tiny and helpless they are. It’s the most horrible feeling. Frustration (and tiredness) does weird things to you.
The thing is though, if you’re self reflecting on these things and interested in actually doing better next time… Then that’s a damn sight better than some. So in my opinion, you’re doing great. xo
Naomi the “I just want to talk to you!” is the cutest – Mabel does it when I’m trying to get us in the car (usually running late). Sometimes she says “Mummy! Why aren’t you listening to me!” when I am on my bloody phone (which is often) which always makes me feel terrible.
So tiny and helpless – yet so loud 🙂 x
Thank you for sharing this, it’s so refreshing to read. I’m currently 3 months pregnant with a 17 month old and exhausted, and i feel I need to be a much more patient mum. Yesterday we went for a walk and Noah was on reigns without pushchair (he’s a very good walker and has been walking 6 months). He started trying to run towards the road and I told him to not do that, he did it again and fell over. I said ‘oh for goodness sake Noah be careful.’ This woman walked past and said, ‘it is hard to learn to walk you know’. I felt so judged and embarrassed I’d lost my temper at him in public. And fretted all day about how I must be perceived as a mother and is Noah in fact miserable?! My husband told me they don’t even remember these things and of course we will lose our patience, we are all human. And that woman’s a cow.
Anna that woman is a cow! I can’t believe folks go out of their way to make judgmental comments without having the first clue about the circumstances. I am the same over the road situation, any parent would be. Especially with children who do like to run everywhere and simply don’t really understand the dangers.
Your fretting is exactly like mine! x
Definitely a cow! Horrendous how quick people are to judge the 5 second snap shot into someone’s life. Because of course, she has never done anything questionable what so ever! Ignore the meanies, no good comes from them (easier said than done from a fellow fretter!) x
Oh I’m so glad it’s not just me! My little girl is 2.5 and we are going through a pretty testing phase… lots of dramatic tantrums, refusal to do things, refusal to eat 99% of foods I offer etc etc…. some days I am super patient and others I am definitely not and I end up shouting. I feel so guilty afterwards. This parenting malarkey can be so hard ? It generally happens to me that I get really cross at her for being naughty then realise the next day that she’s not very well. Cue massive guilt episode for being a terrible mother who can’t even tell when her child is poorly! Arrgghh x
The unwell thing gets me every time Sarah – sometimes it’s impossible to know. And the food thing is so hard, Mabel is good generally as she has a healthy appetite but if she’s shown or aware of cake/biscuits etc then it’s full on tantrum if she’s told she has to eat her dinner before a treat.
“But why can’t I have the chocolate first Mummy?!” Erm……..because you can’t?! I have to admit to giving in sometimes, in the vain hope she will eat the broccoli after the digestive. x
[…] For less superficial pretty and more real-life tales of woe, I also have a feature on Rock My Family today. […]
Argh, children are wonderful at pushing buttons like that and we’re only human. It’s hard going from a grownup world where we ask someone to do something reasonably and they do it, to a toddler’s world with hysteria and no patience and random grumps.
I kicked a toy story character across the kitchen this morning because I was so pissed off with standing on toys and other shit that apparently I’m the only person who sees (or is able to bend at the waist to pick up). I’m not proud. But I am human (and I was a wee bit hangry). But then the surprise made my 4yo cry and I felt terrible, so she had biscuit spread on toast instead of a nutritious breakfast.
Sara I’m not sure if I was supposed to laugh out loud at this comment but I did. Thanks for brightening up my morning xx
Oh this is so good to read…Had a MASSIVE battle this morning to get my little boy out of the door to nursery…I turned the telly off as “agreed” but apparently I wasn’t supposed to!! After 20 bloody mins of negotiations he was eventually bribed to put his shoes on with a party ring (his 2nd of the morning after demanding one with his milk when he woke up)…after which he said “you can have a pink one mummy”…. 🙂
Shall now probably spend most of the day worrying about his sugar/ biscuit consumption, and the fact that I appear to have raised a small dictator….
I’m off to look at kitchen inspiration instead! x
Lucite I’m glad it’s not just me who uses party rings in negotiations. I had to stop when I realised I was getting through half a packet a day – if they are in the cupboard I will eat them!
A small dictator lives at my house too x
I use mikado sticks to bribe my son to do things like get shoes in on for nursery or get in the car, it makes him sit down and let me get his shoes on without a struggle and I don’t feel too bad about it because they aren’t very big and doesn’t feel too guilt inducing …for example throughout December the bribe was advent calendar chocolate and often his dad’s as well ( luckily daddy has antibody memory so I’d just tell him he must have already eaten it when he asked where his chocs had gone!) that felt really terrible! The only down side is it doesn’t take long to eat so I have to be double quick with getting the shoes/jumper/get out to the car!! But who am I kidding, it’s still chocolate!
Claire I also have to have a bribe every single morning to get my 3 year old’s shoes/socks on (it’s not on properly, it’s too tight, I can’t etc…) however, 8’ve lucked out and discovered the promise of a Bassests soft and chewy vitamin works as a bribe! ? Because they look like sweets, and they are in a special ‘high up’ cupboard and very strictly one a day they now hold the same power as a biscuit! Will be devastating when he catches on.
What a great idea! I don’t think we are old enough for the chewy vitamins yet but I will definitely be having s look at the supermarket next time I go!!
Loving this chewy vitamin idea Sarah! I will definitely be putting those on my shopping list!
My 14 month old had an inexplicably whingey morning a couple of weeks ago and unfortunately for him I was very tired and short of patience. I ended up shouting “what is wrong with you” at him which inevitably led to many more tears (the real kind this time) and a huge amount of guilt. After I had pulled myself together and taken him and my 4 year old out to meet friends I was shamed by the four year old who told my friend that we had been shouting “what is wrong with you” at the baby. Never have I felt such a crap parent!
It’s comforting to know everyone does it though…..
Yep, everyone else does it, and if they don’t then they deserve a medal for patience. Goodness isn’t it surprising what they repeat – I have to be so conscious now what we say in front of Mabel and what’s on the television etc, she’s like a sponge! x
Oh ladies with babies, bumps and toddlers… what are we all like, hey?!
I have a (nearly) 16 month old (you count in months until they’re 2, roght…?!) and am finding each and every day harder: the more she knows her own mind, it feels the less I know what the bloody hell im doing!
Charlotte, your story made me want to give you a big hug. You’re only human and are an amazing mum to Mabel. Even if that means a bribe here or there, a mini milk or five and party rings for breakfast (@lucette, hope you enjoyed that pink one!). I know you didn’t write this asking for our acceptance of forgiveness – hope this is coming across properly! I find it so weird that we paint this perfect picture of what we (us parent folk) should all be like (be that informed from ideals, what we see other parents like, what is socially acceptable) and when shit gets real and we are a fraction less of our ideal we feel crap about ourselves. I wish we could all erase this from that emotional part of our brains…
Do you think Mabel will be able to explain if she felt uncomfortable erm.. down there… again? I wonder if she felt she had done something wrong and didn’t want to say? I’ve never gone through potty training but my nephew hates to talk about accidents if they happen, and he’s 4…
Sending lots of love to all you amazing parents
Xxxx
Hi Nicola, I’m not sure – that’s what was upsetting I think, that she didn’t feel she could say anything until she was truly upset, almost as though she was tying to hide why she didn’t want to go to the loo/felt somehow it was wrong. I hope in future she would say something as I’ve tried to ask her about it (in a much more calm way!) every day since. I’m trying to make her feel as though it’s not her fault and she can tell me if something is bothering her/is uncomfortable. Easier said than done obviously. x
Ah love her, and love you. Why don’t they come with a fail safe manual again?! Defo easier said than done, but you are doing and doing it brilliantly by the sounds of it. Xxxx
I’ve done very similar, probably worse. It’s usually to do with refusal to get dressed and get out to nursery and ends with me shouting (I once threw my keys on the floor in temper) and my little lad crying his heart out. It’s absolutely devastating, and I keep trying to not lose my patience and let my stress levels go that high. Really hard. We always make friends afterwards and I apologise for shouting but it’s an awful feeling. I don’t think we can expect ourselves to be perfect though but I do want to try!
What is it with not wanting to get dressed?! At the moment Mabel is all about putting socks on but nothing else (!) I think it’s especially difficult when you are running late, it’s like she knows and therefore takes even longer than usual! x
I think that having Mum guilt afterwards is there to show you that you care! So actually, you’re not mean in the slightest. If you didn’t give a bleep then you wouldn’t feel guilty.
I love reading everyones articles on Rock my Family but this post is absolutely fantastic. I’m so reassured that everyone seems to have moments when we loose it and no one seems to have found how to get a toddler dressed;)! I have a 3 year old boy and honestly getting him dressed in the morning is a painful experience: “no I want the blue one, the grey one, no the blue one, I said the grey one!!!”… And he then proceeds to scream :” I want daddy to do it, daddy, daddy”…. (even though daddy can’t as off to work) every single morning. He seems to forget that I was the one that got up 4 times in the night with him to go to the bathroom, get him a tissue, get him some water… So of course there are some mornings when I am standing in the door way with the baby ( i have a 10 month old too) screaming back: “stop screaming” at the top of my lungs…. Toddler then rolls on the floor crying, baby looks at me bewildered…. and the bribery starts at 7 am with hot chocolat…
Oh Anna you sound like superwoman! I used to find it really hard when Mabel asked for her Daddy when I was in the middle of doing something, I don’t mind admitting it – I felt like I wasn’t good enough or something. Hot chocolate is an excellent bribe – I’d take it! x
Oh Charlotte I can completely relate to this and I agree with the comments above, you are only human and we all have our breaking point. These little ones certainly know which buttons to press and constantly test the boundaries. Is so hard to know when something is genuine or a test in the heat of the moment. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
I have a very testing 3 year old at the moment, as well as being 24 weeks pregnant. It feels like the day she turned 3 she cranked it up a gear, in not just volume but anger too, it is laughable at times and downright soul destroying at others. Plus add into the the mix she now won’t go to sleep without one of us in the room and wakes in the night expecting the same, with such lack of sleep there is very little patience in our house. Meaning shouting more often than I would like and a tonne of mummy guilt.
For those of you with testing and high spirited toddlers, I am finding this book very useful. I have a better understanding of her temperament now and how to try and deal with it. https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-Bestselling-Parenting/dp/0091902584
xx
Louise thanks for the book recommendation – I will take a look. Mabel is the same at the moment with wanting one us to stay in the room, I think she’s still a bit unsettled from moving house. “Mummy, hold my hand and stay with me until I fall asleep….” I mean, how can you refuse that?! Even when I have a a tonne of dirty washing to get through and I am seriously behind on just about everything, I find it very hard to say no x
Ahh I know they can really tug on those heart strings can’t they!! I was happy to do the same until the demand was coming at 2, 4 & 6am every night! ?
I hope Mabel settles soon, you just don’t realise how everything little thing effects them so deeply. I am wondering if half of our battles is impending baby related! Who knows. We can only do our best. X
Just wanted to echo the “thanks” for sharing this, it’s SO refreshing to hear an honest account of the less rosy side of parenting a toddler.
What stands out is how profoundly this has affected you which just shows how for the most part you must be getting it right for this to feel so wrong.
When I’m feeling adrift, (the “wondering what exactly I am supposed to do to turn the situation around. My puzzled and defeated expression only fuelled her distress. Fu*k, fu*k……fu*k” part particularly resonated with me) I refer to the writing of Janet Lansbury, her Facebook page is really easy to dip in and out of. I’m not a huge proponent of parenting books or experts or prescribed techniques, but everything she writes is empowering and common sense. If anyone is looking for a little hand-holding through the rough patches of child-wrangling then I would really recommend her.
Janet Lansbury also wrote “No Bad Kids” which I also really rate….
Thanks Philipa, I haven’t heard of Janet Lansbury but I will definitely have a butchers later on this evening. I’m honestly not an advocate of rigid parenting techniques and following books to the letter either, I find it much more helpful (and realistic) to take advice from other Mums I know and trust. x
Charlotte this post makes me want to give you and Mabel a hug. In fact – everyone who has commented needs a hug! We’re all (clearly) just doing the best we can and I’d be SHOCKED if I came across a parent who managed to not lose their patience ever xxx
*Big Hug Back* x
I have literally just come from the health visitor with my 27 month year old and sat in the car trying not to cry when I saw this post on Instagram. It was his little check up to make sure he’s doing everything he should be and he was so badly behaved, running around the room , going into her bag , throwing pens at her! It was awful, I have no idea what came over him as he’s usually absolutely fine. The health visitor , who’s just doing her job , asked if I wanted to attend any behaviour classes and I just wanted to cry and yell at him to just sit down!!!!
He’s the youngest of 3 so I feel like I really should have this shit sorted by now. One of those days when you just have t
Bless you Hayley – and how typical, I swear it’s as if they know!!!
Behaviour classes?! err no…..her’s just being two and a half years old. I hope you have a more restful evening – maybe a much deserved glass of wine is in order x
So glad you wrote this, been meaning to comment all day. It’s inevitable, we all do it. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.
But also, our children have it so good! I’m at my parents for a couple of days (just for a visit, they live far away) and found a book on toddlers published in the 1980s. The “expert” author recommends sedatives and smacks for children who play up (at bedtime and in the supermarket respectively!) it definitely made me feel better about a shout now and then!
Sedatives?! Bloody hell! It’s makes you wonder in another few decades time what they will think about the parenting books of “today” x
Urgh. I did similar this morning. Charging around to get ready to leave to drop Frankie at the childminders before getting the train to work.
At 4.5 Frankie has mastered the act of faffing when she should be getting dressed/drinking milk etc. We’re finally ready. Coats on, book bag found, scooter outside and helmet on. “Mummy, I need a wee”. Cue me a little shouty “oh good. That’s me late for work” then I felt so guilty. Of course she should have a wee before we leave. It’s not her fault I have a big day and am stressed.
I then spent to journey to work worrying that I’ve taught her to hide the need to wee from me in case I should again
x
Mabel has taken up needing a wee just as we sit down for dinner. Literally every night for the last month. And then she will faff with washing her hands and refusing to get back to the table….I would love a hot meal sometime soon! But yes, it is just one of those situations that you have to get on with it unfortunately, I just wish their timing was more convenient! x
The best post I’ve read (and I LOVE RMF!)…I can’t help but echo the thoughts above of how absolutely refreshing it is to read something so honest. In a world of airbrushed social media, it’s so important that as parents we support each other and honesty is such a key part of that! You sound like a wonderful mother. Love to all the parents on here being the best we can be xx
Oh Charlotte, we all have moments like this and then all feel terribly guilty afterwards – sometimes I don’t even want to confess to my husband, for fear that he’ll judge me, which is crazy! I shouted at Oscar for Andrex puppy-ing the loo roll whilst I was brushing my teeth this morning, except he’s so young that he hasn’t got a clue that it’s not a really fun game I put there for him! Thank you for sharing this, you’re an amazing mama, but also only human — we can all relate xx