Nothing quite prepares you for the guilt that comes with having two children. If you thought mummy guilt with one was bad get ready to be bamboozled!
Molly was only 19 months old when Alice was born and although I wouldn’t have it any other way a small part of me always wishes things had been a bit different. If you read Lorna’s post on age gaps you’ll know that there is no right or wrong time to have a second baby. Just a whole heap of emotions either way. I love both my girls with all my heart but there is a very small part of me that always has a touch of regret when I think back to Alice’s birth and her first few months in the world.
The whole time I was pregnant I was worried how Molly would react to her new sibling. Would they get on or would she hate her? When I was pregnant Molly was in nursery as I was working 4 days a week so she spent most of her time being shifted between my mums house and nursery and I barely saw her most days other than rushing her out the door or in to bed. Alice arrived early which meant I had no time off work to spend with Molly. The day I went in to be induced I spent most of it thinking about Molly. Would she be ok with Grandma? Would she be wondering where mommy and daddy were? I even sent Edd home at one point to check on her. Stupid really as she had been away from us lots of times so it was no different but this was the start of the massive guilt that overtook me.
The next morning when Molly came to meet her new sister in hospital was one of the most nerve wracking moments. I was utterly shattered and here was my first little girl walking in with a scowl on her face as she saw this little bundle with me. We all went home together but Molly did not look happy AT ALL. I thought how grown up Molly was, how big. It was only when Alice hit 19 months that I realised how wrong I had been. Molly had still been a baby. Still utterly reliant on her mummy and I suddenly didn’t have all my time and love to dedicate to her. That’s not to say I didn’t or didn’t try. It just felt that way to me. I only wish I had realised this back then. Although I very much doubt I would be able to do anything differently to what I did.
My biggest regret and one that still tugs at me most days is the fact that I feel like I missed months of both of the girl’s lives. This is quite hard to express as I don’t want to seem melodramatic and I honestly wouldn’t change it. When Molly was a baby I could sit and hold her for as long as she wanted. Everything was about her. With Alice I just don’t feel like I got to enjoy Alice being a baby. I actually had a lot of cuddles given that she wouldn’t sleep anywhere other than on me (you can read all about that debacle here!). However, I spent all my time wishing I could put her down so that I could do things with Molly. Heck, even tidy the house. On the flip side I completely missed Molly being a toddler. It is something I barely remember and it makes me so sad. I’m sure there were many fun and crazy moments but mummy guilt means I only remember little Molly sitting on the sofa with her dummy watching Disney films whilst I sat feeding and holding Alice. It wasn’t easy but in truth I’m sure Molly doesn’t remember. In fact she is probably thanking me as she LOVES Disney. As Edd works away quite a lot it meant that I had to manage by myself all day and evening. Story times became rushed as I tried to get through them before Alice inevitably started crying from being put in her bouncy chair. I think I will save the logistics of two kids for another day as that is a whole post in itself but it’s safe to say I never felt I had enough time for either of the girls.
As they have got older it is easier but at every stage I feel some form of guilt for what I have or haven’t done with Alice swiftly followed by the same feelings for Molly. I didn’t take Alice to as many baby classes as I did Molly. Then I feel like I never do anything just with Molly as there is always the three of us. Blimey, I even feel guilty that I don’t buy Alice as many new clothes as Molly got. This means I inevitably hit the shops. Not exactly a hardship I must admit. The whole thing is ridiculous.
This post isn’t meant put people off two kids. Quite the opposite. Despite the guilt and chunks of missing memories there are a hundred and one moments that make it all worthwhile. Watching the girls together now is, on the whole, magical. I have also learnt to accept the guilt. I am never going to have time to do everything I want to do with them but I do my best. We do things together as a family. Share story times and, yes, still watch Disney together. The guilt won’t go and I think I will always think back to what I couldn’t do or missed in the beginning. My mum says the same of me and my sister and she is going back 30 odd years. Every mum will experience the guilt at some point. Or most days in honesty. Just take comfort in the fact that your children won’t hold it against you. They love you immeasurably no matter what.
Image by Anna Clarke Photography.
I couldn’t put it better myself. I have the same feelings daily. My oldest has just turned two and I have a six week old.
Laura, it’s terrible isn’t it? I promise it does get a bit easier. xxx
What an honest post Charlotte! And so relatable – especially now that number 3 has just arrived in our house! I feel like the other 2 just accept I will be feeding all day every day! But as you say they don’t hold it against you and know no different! I’m just getting to the stage where I’m feeding one, cuddling the other and reading school books with the eldest! We do our best and that is all we can do – a strong test of character and extreme organisation skills – that I wouldn’t change for the world xxx you do a fantastic job, we all do!! Xx
Not sure I could do 3, he he!! You need an extra pair (or two) of hands I think. I’m sure they love their new little one and can hopefully help with all the extra cuddles baby, and mummy, will need xxx
Wow! I could’ve written this pretty much word for word, including having 2 girls. I feel like I can’t really remember my youngest being a baby as was so focused on making sure the toddler was ok. And yep, hand me down clothes are the standard. But it’s not all bad & now there are moments where the 2 are playing together & it’s so sweet, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I am the same now Pip. They are such good friends and actually the closeness works so well. xx
Having my second in 3 weeks. The most stressful thing has been worrying about how my 2.5 year old will cope. It’s already meant I haven’t enjoyed pregnancy as much this time as I feel so bad about what I can’t do with my son due to lack of energy/physical limitations! Oh no, it’s started already hasn’t it?! 🙂
It has indeed! I was exactly the same and sent most of the pregnancy thinking about Molly. Probably to do with the fact that my eldest sister hated me when I was born and I was paranoid the same would happen!! It was actually fine, despite the scowls and now they get on brilliantly (most of the time) xx
This post is brilliant. It is exactly how I felt. My eldest boy was 23 months when my second was born. He is now 20 months and I cannot believe I expected so much from my eldest when he was a babe himself. I love the age gap now but found the first 6 months so tough for all the reasons you have written. Glad to know it wasn’t only me!
You are never the only one Lucy! It’s so hard when you realise your eldest was still a baby to. That’s what hit me hardest I think. Like you though I love the closeness now and would probably have felt the same no matter what the age gap was xx
I have 2 nearly 3 (due tomorrow) a 5 year old, who I don’t feel like I give as many extra curricular activities because of my toddler and pregnancy (swimming club, football etc…) A 19m old who I don’t feel very mobile/fun with or feel like he is getting as many activities and toddler/baby groups as my first. And then soon to be our little girl…
I am sure she will bring her own challenges and heap of mummy guilt! I know they will all have different personalities because of it, even if they don’t remember it ??
Exciting that baby no 3 may be here very soon. I think we will always feel like we don’t have enough time for any of them or that we try to squeeze too much in to our days but I’m pretty sure you are doing an amazing job. Good luck with the new arrival xx
We are waiting for number 2 until Zach is older. There is a 3 year age gap between my sister and I and that is partly the reason. My mums advice to me was wait until the first one is talking as it will send you cuckoo having two not talking with you in the house all day so I have gone with that. My mum says she doesn’t remember my little sister first word, step etc in the same way as she does for me but says you couldn’t possibly do this when you have two little peeps on the go. I guess it’s the same for everyone and as you see them grow together the guilt will subside x
My sister is exactly two years older than me, and I have heard so many stories about how she reacted to me being born, and how she struggled with it. I definitely struggled even more when my younger brother was born when I was age 5, because I knew what was going on! The reality is that we didn’t always get on when I was growing up, and sibling rivalry can be a horrible thing. But do you know what? I don’t remember my first few years of life, but what I do remember is a constant feeling of having a best friend there the whole time. The possible negatives of having less attention as a second child is (for me) far outweighed by having a friend there to play with throughout my childhood and to talk to throughout my teens and for every important life moment. She consoled me when my first boyfriend broke up with me, we held each other when our parents’ marriage broke down, later she walked down the aisle in front of me on my wedding day and next year I will do the same for her.
Now we are thinking of having kids of our own and I am torn between wanting the same age gap as my sister and I had so I can give my children even a small chance at a relationship like I had, Vs how challenging that would be as a parent, having two children under the age of 3!
What I’m trying to say to everyone struggling with this is all you can do is your best, and no age gap is perfect. Your kids will never remember how many baby classes you took them to or how long you spent looking at them as a newborn, but they will remember growing up in a home full of love.
Oh India, you made me a bit teary then! I love how close you and your sister were and I really hope Molly and Alice will be the same. They are already going that way and it is so sweet as Molly always looks out for Alice and Alice always says ‘I weally miss Molly’ on the day’s she is at pre-school. Dreading September when she starts full time. As you said any gap will have the same feelings of guilt I’m sure xxx
When I was little I used to ask my mum all day ‘what time will Anna be home?’ and beg to go along on the trip to collect her from school! I think the fact you worry about these things shows how much of a good parent you are but I’m sure it will all work out fine xx
Hi Ladies, Just to bring a flip side to this argument. I am one of a pair of children who had a 4.5 year age gap meaning I got to spent lots of time with my Mum when I was younger…. however my best and most vivid memories are from when my brother finally arrived and I had a sibling to play with. I know now planning a family that I dont want the age gap between my children to be as large because of that! Hope that eases the guilt in some way? A sibling was the best thing you could have given your daughters xxx (and I never remember the clothes I wore – hand me down or not!!) x
Ah Emma, that is such a cute viewpoint. Love it x
I’m the middle child of five, and there was 4 of us under 5 and 5 of us under 8. Like Emma, all I remember is being surrounded by siblings to play with and having all of my friends and their friends around. We are all very different but I have wonderful memories of a childhood filled with love and adventure. There was plenty of love to go around and I don’t remember ever struggling for attention or craving more time from my parents. I also think we were all really independent and able to fend for ourselves growing up, which has served me well in adulthood. My parents are always willing to help, but we all like sorting things out for ourselves and making our own paths. I was 2 when my little brother was born and don’t think I was jealous at all. I was a little jealous when my little sister came along the day after my 5th birthday only because I had been Daddy’s baby girl lol! Xo
No advice or experience from me (apart from the fact that I’m one of four and I have never once thought that my Mum should have more or less of a gap between us!)
I just wanted to say you’re a fab Mum to both little ladies Lottie, they clearly have such fun with you all of the time and they are both simply adorable! x
I wonder how thing look if we turn it round and think about it from the little ones view. Is a lot of one-on-one time with Mummy what they really want? Or would they rather be together as a family unit? Obviously it’s all about balance, but I remember two years ago having the exact same dilemma, only to find that when I did find time to spend alone with my toddler, she was more concerned about how long it would be before her baby brother joined us again! As long as both children are happy, I think us Mum’s need to relax a bit and release that guilt. There are so many children out there who would love a sibling, but won’t ever have one. Think about what you’ve given them, not what you’ve denied them. The joy of a lifelong best friend and all the adventures they’ll have together is the greatest gift you could ever give.
Hi Lottie, stumbled across this post in the archive. Describes my current situation down to a tee- newborn that won’t lie flat/ settle unless upright laid on me and a two year old that I feel I’m completely neglecting. I’m stuck at home, the house is a tip and we are living on toast! My son is so cute though…Please would you mind sharing the name of the cranial osteopath? I’m based near Birmingham and can travel.