Today we are welcoming back the lovely Naomi Liddell. You may remember a few of her posts from last year or know her from her comments on these pages. Naomi has officially been on honeymoon since 2011 when they chose not to return to the UK from Australia and have set up their life on the other side of the world. They have since been joined by the gorgeous Ethan. So it’s a big hello from us here at Rock My Family and I hope you enjoy Naomi’s post today as she will be joining us on a more regular basis over the coming months. I’ll hand over to Naomi for her first post of 2017.
I recently carried my three year old out of a shop on a Richter scale 8 meltdown. Complete with wailing, tears and flailing limbs.
The reason we were in said shop in the first place was to quickly grab some vacuum pack bags and an extension chord before legging it to Ethan’s morning swimming lesson… Such is my life now. But somehow (and I don’t know how they do this) my boy managed to sniff out the toy section like a pig snuffles for truffles.
Within minutes I was winding my way through a labyrinth of brightly coloured aisles as he hurtled towards the Paw Patrol section. I stood there in utter defeat as he picked through this toy and that. I then found myself simultaneously plotting a smooth exit and scanning for the cheapest toy that could be my ticket out of there with a smiling child.
This visit to the toy section would have been a minor issue any other time of year, but it happened to occur right after Christmas. Ethan had been inundated with new toys by family, friends and Santa. We try to keep toy levels in our house, well… Reasonable. I’m happy for them to take over an entire cupboard, but not an entire room. I’m finding that this gets harder as he grows older. I also don’t actually buy Ethan heaps of toys (which I have Mama Guilt about too), but birthdays, Christmas and just-because gifts seem to just add to the amount, no matter how much I try to cull.
All things considered, back at the toy section that day, I decided not to buy him anything. I decided that we were going to leave the shop with the things we went in for and no bribery toy. I decided that my son was mature enough to understand that he can’t have everything he wants at any moment he wants. It was only when I started to gently steer him away that I realised that my resolve was no match for the towers of bright plastic and dogs dressed as public servicemen. I had to run or cave. I ran.
Needless to say, the tantrum finished and he forgot all about it by the time we got to the car.
But it stuck with me. And aside from the growing amount of IKEA storage boxes I find myself buying, the thing that was concerning me most about this was that he had absolutely NO concept of being grateful or content with all the things that were gifted to him only a couple of weeks before. This is not me blaming my son. Ethan is the sweetest, kindest kid with impeccable manners and a truly heartfelt and eye bright ‘Thank you’ for every gift he gets. But that day I found myself wondering if I was wrong for wanting him to just be content with the fortune he already had and not to just throw down because he couldn’t have another thing he wanted?
I know he’s only three and we can’t expect their little brains to compete with adults who are literally paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to make those toys irresistible. I also know they learn their lessons over time. But surely those lessons come from us as parents? So with an upcoming birthday I’m left wondering about how you lovely lot approach these things with your kiddos.
How do you even begin to teach a three year old to be grateful for what they have?
Do you ever try to avoid the toy section for this very reason?
And how do you keep the growing madness of toy inventory under control?
Oh Naomi. This has really struck a chord with me as I’m just going through it with my 3 year old too. Playing hard ball leads to massive tantrums and leaving me embarrassed. Our most spectacular came after going to see a lovely performance of the Snowman at Christmas and afterwards he wanted a £20 gorilla from the shop which I refused to do as it was Xmas Eve. Other parents stepped over us and tutted at me for not sorting it out. I’ve been thinking long and hard about how to wean him off needing treats all the time when we’re out so will be following this post for ideas.
I’ve stopped buying him little gifts, he has to use his pocket money from nana once a month to get anything. When we are out Im refusing to buy him anything and dealing with the consequences. I’m hoping eventually it’all click for him.
And peeps, in the meantime if you see my little boy (or any other little boy or girl) having a tantrum please know we’re trying to change this habit and show some support!!
Sounds like we’re in exactly the same situation Janie. Although I really like your idea of pocket money. I might start implementing that.
My biggest tactic at the moment is the ‘art of distraction’.
If I feel a tantrum coming on, I’ll gasp loudly and say things like ‘Ethan! Look at this!” and try to show him some kind of weird ceiling tile (I kid you not, I’ve resorted to this in the past). I truly wish I had more sophisticated parenting tactics to share! ?
Hi Naomi! I was reflecting on this just yesterday while shopping for my niece’s birthday present. Christmas this year made me feel slightly off – there was an enormous pile of presents that was quite frankly alarming. And rather than really appreciating each gift, the children (six under four and a seven year old) were overwhelmed/over stimulated and became really difficult by lunchtime. Many a tear was shed! It was too much. I even held a load of presents back and tried to encourage the kids to play with each one before moving on but it became a bit of an unwrapping frenzy! I begged my in-laws to just buy one present each for our children next year. We all put so much time and effort into choosing gifts and then within minutes (probably more like seconds), they are tossed aside for the next box wrapped in shiny paper. I know I sound all bah humbug!! One blog mum said instead of gifts they put the money toward going away for christmas which sounded like a lovely idea to me! So now that it’s my niece’s birthday I was thinking, is it to do with the nature of the gift I choose or do I just get her the latest plastic cr*p requested? I love buying books as gifts because you know they will get read again and again. I definitely think less is more when it comes to toys and plan to rotate ours now that our ikea (!) shelves are overflowing. I don’t know what the answer is but I totally feel your pain!! xx
Oh I so relate to that Christmas day chaos! They do get overwhelmed, don’t they?!
We’ve started to pair back on presents for family and our 2017 thinking is how can we can get experiences for people instead? For my niece and nephew, we’re thinking of taking them out for the day doing fun things together (it’s kind of a present for the Mum & Dad too!) I don’t know about you, but my best childhood memories were days out rather than who bought me what.
We’re having these issues at the moment and it’s hard. We have been trying to introduce the idea of money which nicely also explains about us working. We’ve also introduced a money box. No idea if any of this will work! Like you, I often use the distraction technique!
With two under 4, I often feel like our house resembles a toy shop but I don’t let it bother me too much as I try to remember this era of plastic toys everywhere and duplo all over the place is so fleeting. I’m sure one day my teenagers will be out and my husband and I will be sitting in our pristine living room feeling very nostalgic for the days we’re living in now.
Even if we are slowly drowning in duplo.
What a refreshing way to look at it Fionnula. I often feel very stuck in the current stage of parenting and forget that you’re right… One day I’ll miss this. So true.
And the money box is SUCH a good idea.
Lyra, who is usually pretty well behaved and well mannered, turned into a devil child on Christmas Day and I think it was due to being overwhelmed the sheer amount of presents. I’m considering following the ‘something to wear, something to read, something she wants, something she needs’ mantra for her upcoming third birthday x
We followed that for Ethan’s birthday and it was lovely Lisa. I think it’s the way we’ll go from now on for birthdays.
Great post and I’m so so pleased we will be reading more of you Naomi- I loved Rocked by Life- do you still write it?
I think the only way to get to the gratitude is do exactly what you are doing and go through the tantrums. I want to give parents I see with a tantrumming child a high 5 because you are awesome, you aren’t giving in, you’re holding the line for whatever reason. When Silvia is lying on the floor screaming because she wants a carry/new toy/chocolate I remind myself that she has to learn how to deal with a) not getting what she wants and b) all the BIG FEELS that come with that.
Also, I don’t think I really understood the value of money and toys until my father was put on garden leave after resigning from his job. We kids were sat down and told there was no more money for nice things, gift shop toys, holidays etc. It has never left me- I’m still super frugal and feel bad over spending money on stuff for me, which makes my poor parents feel terrible! I was 12 though… not sure what that says about my spoilt childhood up to that point…
Aw Lucy I’m so happy to hear from you again! I’m afraid I haven’t been doing any personal blogging of late, but I’m trying to be more regular on Instagram and of course the girls have been kind enough to welcome my posts on these beautiful pages.
I love that you want to high five parents with tantruming kids… It would be so nice if most people adopted this point of view. And again, I love your comment about dealing with BIG FEELS. It’s probably a post all of it’s own, but it’s such an important (and scary) part of parenting, right?!
Hi Naomi,
I’m afraid I can’t comment on toddler tantrums as my little girl is only 10 months (though she does manage to get her own way a worrying amount). But, at any rate, I’m actually commenting because we’re debating whether to move to Australia right now. We have been offered jobs and are flying out next week to scope it out for a few weeks. We’re 50/50 about whether to go. I don’t know whether I’m terrified or excited. How do you make that decision? Emigrating sounds like such a BIG word.
Oh Mel that’s a tough spot to be in. I interestingly recently learned from a neurologist that terrified and excited look the exact same inside our brains (which explains why things can seem both at once). I know many friends who have been through that debating period, some have stayed in UK, some have moved to Oz, some have stayed here for good and some have moved back.
Gavin, Ethan and I will be returning to UK after 6 years in a couple of months and I can honestly say that it’s been the best adventure and I would advocate for anyone to live in this amazing country. One thing that always helped me was trying to remember that the plane goes both ways and thankfully, your whole family is portable. So nothing is a final decision (as much as it may feel like it at the time).
I also have a slight obsession with families that travel the world full time and I often think, if they can do that, I can country hop a few times in my lifetime. Where in Oz are you thinking of moving to?!
Well, that might explain how I manage to feel everything all at once.
We have jobs in Melbourne. They’re good jobs too. Both me and my hubby have lived in other countries before, but it feels different with a little one. The grandparents are freaking out already and the decision hasn’t been made.
It always makes me feel better when people say they’ve gone to Aus and loved it. Plus, you’re right, it’s only a plane ride.
Why did you decide to move back to the UK, if you don’t mind me asking?
Australian pay cheques are pretty damn good, but you’re right… It is harder with a little one.
There were heaps of reasons for us to move back! (and heaps of reasons for us to stay)… We’re ready to buy a house and just didn’t see ourselves buying in Australia. We’ve also still got a lot of exploring to do around europe and both our parents are getting older. It’s just time for us to be home for a while.
We’ll definitely always have one foot here though and one foot at home. It’s an amazing country.
Hi Naomi! Really looking forward to reading more from you. Every parent of a tantrumming child deserves a hug. Our 2 and half year old has been pretty good in shops and tends to put things back when asked – with hindsight I can see we’ve been doing a lot of distracting in those situations though so probably not all down to her good manners. We stopped giving in on a number of things recently which leads to all sorts of meltdowns but I feel we should have done that sooner as it must be so confusing for them. Not sure if terrible twos are an actual thing or if that’s when we as parents realize those little cheeky and naughty things just aren’t so cute any more.
My and my husbands family are very different when it comes to gift giving – I like to keep it to a 2 or 3 things for birthdays but my husband and his parents love getting little things for Anna all the time so it’s nice you have an agreed strategy Naomi. Of course I can see they don’t do it with any bad intentions and just want to make Anna’s day but I can’t help but feel it takes away from those special occasions and most toys are soon forgotten about pretty quickly.
Sounds like you have a wee gem there Kat! (I love the name Anna too). We didn’t really experience the terrible twos much with Ethan either, although recently he’s all full of sass and attitude (as well as tantrums). There are new challenges for sure!
As for managing gifts from family, that one is tough because it’s so well intentioned. It’s something I think I’ll face more when we’re not living on the other side of the world from everyone. I’ll keep you posted if I find a genius way to deal with that one 😉
Oh Naomi I hear you! Hector can throw some horrendous tantrums and usually in a public place. The last major episode was on Christmas Eve when we popped into Maplins to pick up a couple of oil filled radiators to help the new plaster dry out and he spotted row upon row of cars. Suffice to say I wouldn’t buy one since it was Christmas Day the next day which ended up in a major meltdown and Ste carrying him out in a fireman’s lift out of the shop whilst I was clearing up the havoc left behind. Oh the shame! Hector is strong-willed…we regularly have standoffs but I find that if I remain firm and calm he gradually settles down and we rely heavily on the distraction technique too. I just hope that when he grows older these tantrums will morph into a sense of determination that will see him through the toughest times in his adult life. That’s what I tell myself anyway….
It’s funny isn’t it? I’d never thought of how many of these little personality traits that are, ahem… undesirable… at two/three will become strengths when they’re older. Such an interesting way to look at it Lolly. That might just get me through the next time he refuses to get in the car.
Naomi I’m glad to hear that we’ll be hearing more from you!
At almost two, we’re still at the stage where tantrums can be fairly easily managed by strapping her down in a pram or trolley, or – if we’re in Sainsbury’s- a sausage roll… I know it’s going to get worse and I’m dreading it!
I like the money box/pocket money idea too. Xx
Thanks Karen!
Ethan would do anything for a sausage roll too… And I must admit to resorting to food bribery on occasion :-/
Great Post!
I always remember from being really young my mum spending an afternoon with me & my brother before every birthday & Christmas – Picking out old toys to donate to children who aren’t luckily enough to have so many toys to take to a a Charity shop. It really stuck with me & hope to do this with my little one when they are big enough to understand
This is such a lovely idea Helen. I wonder if three years old is too young? I have a feeling that doing this would involve some serious tantrum managing skills with my boy right now. Maybe soon though. I usually sneak our charity donations out while he’s not there ?
Love this ?
My mum always made us do this too. We also had to give away a few of our new toys every Christmas. Sounds a great idea but as a kid I was gutted to have to give away my new postman pat book and even worse my new toy dog. You know the ones that jumped and flipped? We’ve done the shoebox thing with the girls the last few Christmas and they love choosing presents to go in it xx
Oh my God! The shoebox thing!! I remember this. I must look into it for next Christmas!
The teaching them to be grateful things can be so difficult can’t it! An advert, I think for UNICEF, came on once whilst Leo and Anthony were watching tv and so he frequently refers back to that and how very little the girl on the tv had. I’m not sure if that’s the best tactic but he does understand that she has nothing and it seems to snap him out of it. But last night Anthony said one of the funniest things to date during our parenting journey. We’d ordered a take away and it arrived just before Leo’s bed time so he asked if he could have a chip, Anthony obliged but then Leo moaned it was too small and he wanted a bigger one. Cue the best line ever…’Leo do you know how many people don’t have a chip right now?!’ It just cracked me up. It’s true but it was just so funny. So glad to have you writing love x
’Leo do you know how many people don’t have a chip right now?!’ ? Hahaha!
I’m imagining this being said in totally exasperated adult seriousness.
Thanks for commenting Becky x
My dad’s response to “it’s not fair” was always “it’s not fair you have a house and a full belly.”
No coming back from that….
Really interesting read! My daughter is 9 months and I am really mean with the amount of toys she has. I am dreading the days when she inevitably has similar tantrums! I just hope I will be as strong as you and walk away!! I definitely think you did the right thing!
After what felt like quite a large influx of new toys from family and friends after Christmas I had a good sort out and sent any duplicates of the same kind of thing to Grandma’s house for the days she is there! I’ve also just gone through and given all the very young toys to a friend who is expecting.
Even with my mean Mummy attitude towards toys I felt our living room was becoming over-run so I ordered a steamer trunk to put them all in! It arrived yesterday but was too large to get into my car to get home!! I think her small amount of toys is going to look lost in there!! But hopefully our living room will be stylish!
I do worry that over time she will become ungrateful for toys but I think we will take a similar approach to that of buying gifts for our friends children. We usually treat them to a day out or activity such as visiting a pottery painting studio, cinema trip or meal out and they talk about these for far longer than any toys they receive. We are planning a day out for her birthday and possibly a keepsake animal made from her newborn baby clothes, to sit on a shelf looking cute rather than to be played with!
I feel she has enough toys and she is happy to sit and play with one thing for hours on end- and it doesn’t even have to be a toy! At the weekend she spent a whole morning playing with a wooden spoon, a sponge and space blanket out of a sensory hamper my sister made her for Christmas!
I feel mean too Sophie!! I’m forever culling. My pet bugbear is ending up with really crap quality toys that break, yet Ethan still wants to hold on to.
We’re going to be in the ‘day out present’ boat too when we move back closer to family. Like I said in a comment above, they were where most of my childhood memories came from rather than the toys.
Just wanted to say I’m really glad to see you back on RMF Naomi. I still remember the picture of you jumping on the bed in your wedding dress and leather jacket from your RMW real bride days when I was planning my wedding. I have always thought your comments on other posts make loads of sense, and enjoyed reading this so hoping you will be posting regularly.
Janet I remember that picture really clearly too! x
Hey Janet! That’s such a lovely comment! Thanks for making me feel so welcome.
I keep meaning to get that photo printed and put up somewhere. We don’t have ANY wedding photos up (because we’ve been moving around so much). But that must change. Looking forward to seeing more of you in the comments section 🙂
I don’t think anyone should feel guilty for culling the amount of toys their children have, the amount kids have these days is ridiculous! i know that sounds really mean but it’s true, and apart from the fact that it means they don’t appreciate them, most of them are plastic that’s going to go in to landfill so from an environmental point of view it’s a nightmare. Our wee boy has just started to have tantrums and it is a nightmare in public but I refuse to give in to him no matter how many tuts and stares I get. My job as a parent is to raise a happy, well mannered, responsible member of society, not be his best friend who gives him whatever he wants. And distractions, all the distractions!