It started with the water ride tragedy at Drayton Manor theme park. Following on from the catastrophic injuries suffered by teenagers at Alton Towers, it sparked James and I to have a fairly heated debate about how we could ever prevent Mabel from wanting to experience such potentially dangerous fairground rides in the future.
And then the Manchester terrorist attack happened.
Whether it’s because it’s my husband’s home city, or whether it’s because this particular act of cruelty and cowardice was deliberately aimed at children, I am affected by the horrific events more than any other act of terror that has occurred previously. I have a continual knot in my chest, a sense of foreboding and confusion. Why? Why would anyone want to deliberately end the lives of such innocents?
As I type it’s been announced that all 22 fatalities have been identified. I can’t even begin to imagine the devastation for those families, the hours some parents spent searching, praying and hoping that their daughter or son would turn up relatively unscathed.
I am upset, I am angry and I am feeling helpless when it comes to knowing what to do with regards keeping my little girl safe from such atrocities in the future. How can I protect her when we can neither anticipate nor control such shameless acts of evil?
Clearly I’m not expecting anyone to have the answers, I imagine as you read you are feeling the same way as I do. That you want to wrap your loved ones in proverbial cotton wool and never subject them to this very real side of the world we live in.
Those of you with children old enough to be subjected to and somewhat understand current events, how do you explain it to them?
I am comforted by the sense of solidarity of our country, the bravery of our amazing emergency services and the unwavering support across social media. But it doesn’t take away the fear. Or the fact that for the first time in forever I have questioned whether living in the United Kingdom is the safest option for us as a family.
I’m genuinely exceptionally sorry that this feature seems to be an outpouring of my exhausted and somewhat perturbed emotions. I actively encourage you to use this platform for your own thoughts, advice and associated discussion – please do feel free to share whatever you need to in the comments box below.
Tuesday I found myself sobbing all the way to work in Manchester in the car. Having a child yourself makes this so hard to understand. Pictures of the girl who went to school 3 streets away from my house and scenes of her mum at a vigil last night set me off again. This woman’s words were so strong and defiant from a woman who must be so broken.
The fact is you can’t protect them from these things – you just couldn’t, and neither can anyone else. The police have to do what they can but as we see time and time again, some terrorists slip through and manage to cause devastation. I don’t think we can get away from that. Instead you have to let them live their lives to the full, enjoy everything and experience everything their heart desires. Otherwise these bastards get what they want – fear.
Monday nights attack is shocking because it’s close to home, a lot of the country will have been to a concert at the MEN, or at similar venues across the country. It was a deliberate target to attack young people – take that were there just days earlier, but they choose a concert that appealed to young people. It makes it feel too real.
I know when my son is older my head will be telling me not to let him do things but my heart will let him go because I believe in freedom and no one can take that away from us.
Thanks so much for articulating so much of what we are all feeling, Charlotte. I think this is absolutely the platform for us to come together and share our confused feelings and help each other find a way through, emotionally.
I agree with Claire. The only way to get through this is to uphold our freedom. It sounds trite but I truly believe that. When I heard on the news about primary schools not allowing children to play outside at breaktime yesterday as a precautionary measure in the aftermath, I was so saddened. That’s not what we should be teaching our kids right now. Stay inside, hide, fear. Even though every fibre of our being wants to lock them away ‘safely’ forever that’s the worst thing we can do.
I’ve got a trip to London with my husband booked on Friday. I can’t say I’m not apprehensive. Wild thoughts have come into my head “I really ought to sort out our wills” among them. The idea of cancelling did briefly cross my mind; we’re in a period of critical risk. The thought of being away from Fern for any length of time feels like the last thing I want to do right now. But thankfully I’m a rationalist and I’m determined not to let an insane, evil minority dictate our lives. I refuse to live in fear. I know it’s easier said than done right now though when the world feels so dark and unfathomable.
Among everything I’ve read over the past couple of days I found this piece particularly moving and helpful in working through my feelings on this.
https://www.facebook.com/mummymumbles/posts/1496629083744292:0
Thank you for sharing the piece from mummy mumbles Philippa, I thought that was spot on x
What’s so hard is the feeling of helplessness. Our most paramount role as parents is to keep our children safe and that’s hard at the best of times but it usually feels JUST ABOUT within our capabilities with enough strength and courage. But as you say Charlotte, a tragic event like this suddenly throws all of that into question. Our very core function as a parent feels completely undermined when we witness that it is actually impossible to protect our children.
I’ve been trying to take this feeling of powerlessness as a parent and reframing it in my mind as an empowering position. We have the power to create a bold, kind, fearless generation who truly believe that love conquers hate. It all
Sounds like sound bites but it’s something I truly believe. The sad truth is there are always going to be vile individuals perpetuating hate throughout society. But as long as around the world children are brought up to believe in love and kindness, the evil will never win. I honestly believe that, I have to.
Philippa I vehemently agree. We do have the power to create such a generation x
The BBC and Girlguiding have produced good guides on how to explain events like this.
On a side note I was at my local children’s centre and found myself having to say “this is nothing to do with Islam; this man doesn’t respresent Muslims. He’s no more representative of Islam than the IRA were of Christians.” Sometimes my local area isn’t the most open so I’m surprised I walked out of there without a verbal attack!
Thanks for the tips Claire, I never think of girl guides as having resources online. I’m still all camp fires and sopping wet ground sheets. x
I think it’s just dawning on me that we can’t keep them completely safe, all we can do is encourage our children to live a full life and to do the same. I too was so saddened by the Drayton Manor incident but I remember going to theme parks in Middle School and it’s not something I would let Juliet miss out on. And I also went to loads of gigs at big arenas from the age of 14 and the euphoric experience of seeing an artist you love performing live is also something I wouldn’t let Juliet miss..
Lots of guidance on how to talk to older children about Manchester suggested highlighting all the good that happened that night, people rallying round to help one another and I found that incredibly helpful and moving as well. The world is 99% good I guess.. And love will triumph!
I hope the tragic incidents will make all theme parks look at their safety in great detail so these types of things will never happen again. I feel the same though Jennifer – I wouldn’t want Mabel to miss out, and I feel that trying to prevent her from experiencing the same events as her friends may only make her rebel. The rallying has been very moving, there are a lot of good people in the word ❤️
Charlotte I feel exactly the same. I have a 7 month old little girl.
I’m just going to let it all out here… I’m going to say exactly what is on my mind. It may sound selfish I don’t know, but I don’t want it to sound selfish as I am so heartbroken for all the victims.
I don’t know how to put into words the sadness I feel, for the victims, their families, my daughter, my friends children, everyone, myself and my fellow mancunians.
On Tuesday I felt numb, like it was a scene from Corrie, it just did not real. But then yesterday it hit me hard and I wanted to cry all day and had a ball of sadness in my stomach for all these poor poor innocent children and the mums and dads who stood in the very place my mum and dad did so many times in the past. I can imagine so vividly the teenage girls rushing to get out at the end of the concert knowing that their parents were waiting and wanting to get home! And I can imagine the ones who had a train to catch rushing to the door, high of excitement of the concert and not wanting to miss the last train home. Which I have done so many times also. I can imagine the people sat in the macdonalds over looking the foyer waiting with a macdonalds for their child to eat on the way home. Witnessing the horrific scene before their eyes. All this is running though my mind. It’s so unfair on those poor people.
I feel the fear, I know this is what the murderers want, but I can’t help feeling it, and that makes me so angry. I don’t want to go to the Trafford centre, I don’t want to go into Manchester, I don’t want any of my friends or family to either. Speaking to some of my other mum friends yesterday, they feel the same. It’s so wrong, but it’s scary. I don’t want to lose my precious daughter, I don’t want her to lose me, I don’t want any one to have to go through what the people suffering from Monday are going through.
My partner was out in Manchester last night, I went to bed last night scared and sad which then made me angry that I felt that way. Which in turn meant I could not sleep until he was home safe.
I’m constantly looking at the news app on my phone, I can’t help it, I think I want to know every detail so I can know that we are going to be safe, or that we are not safe and I can try and protect my family and friends through being able to react quickly. I don’t know.
It’s so confusing. It feels so out of our control. I’m just praying there are enough people around us that are clever (if that’s the right word?!) enough to stop these awful awful people from doing something like this again. So we can live with a sense of peace again and feel a little more settled in the fact that our children can grow up with a sense of peace and freedom.
Joanne thanks so much for sharing, it is literally so close to home for you. I feel the same about essentially waiting for updates on the entire terrorist group responsible for the attack (I know they have made arrests) being caught and brought to justice.
I feel the same about going to key places in cities, and I too don’t want to admit it to myself or others but it’s true. x
I’m trying hard to unpack my thoughts in a coherent way so apologies if they are tangled.
For me, some of the risks don’t feel new, sadly. My dad’s tube stop was bombed on 7/7, and I had been meant to be at Russel Square that day but overslept. So it’s horribly familiar, the frantic wait to hear from someone you love.
But the level of anxiety when it could be your child is vastly higher (sorry Dad..). I first recognised this in relation to another type of threat: when April Jones was murdered we had just moved to a rural area (like hers) believing it was safe and lovely for our future children. The case really threw me- I have horrific visions of a van drawing up, a child playing in the front yard and then… not. Awful.
Then these recent events. How can you keep your child safe? I guess the horrendous answer is you can’t. We can give them the skills and the knowledge and the love and confidence and then it’s just them and the random awfulness of life. We carry the fear so they don’t have to.
Good grief Lucy, I imagine your Dad must have been very affected by 7/7, I hope he is ok. I have never thought about it in terms of the April Jones situation but you are right, potential danger is present everywhere and anywhere.
“We can give them the skills and the knowledge and the love and confidence and then it’s just them and the random awfulness of life. We carry the fear so they don’t have to”
Perfect x
I think shocking events like those in Manchester and avoidable accidents such as those at theme parks understandably make parents terrified about how best to protect their children. For me I find a great deal of comfort in statistics. The are over 11 million children in the UK, the vast majority of whom will get to adulthood without suffering major illness or accident (although depressingly our child mortality rate is one of the worse in Europe due to poverty and poor healthcare). It is awful seeing the parents of dead children in the media and you can’t help but think about being in that situation yourself but the reality is that the reason it is on the news is because it’s thankfully extremely rare (even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes). If you drive down the road you can often see flowers left for someone who died in a road accident but it won’t make the headlines, you won’t see the mourners and you won’t stop your child getting in a car. You won’t see the parents of the child who died falling down the stairs or choking on a grape. For this reason I try to remind myself to keep some perspective. For example, when I’m at a shopping centre I’m not looking around for suspicious packages or potential child abductors when a much great risk to my children is being hit by a car in the car park, tripping on the escalator, catching a hard or clothing in a lift door etc. I also try to remember that terror attacks are prompted by fear, anger and division so I don’t want to inadvertently teach my children to fear those who look different or hold different beliefs. Finally, sadly one of the biggest killers of teens and adults in the U.K. is suicide and self harm. Wrapping our children in cotton wool, preventing them from experiencing fun things in life like theme parks, concerts and visits to major tourist attractions and surrounding them with fear, anxiety, paranoid or irrational behaviour is likely to fuel mental illness and result in them feeling unable to come to us if they have any problems for fear of adding to our mental anguish.
Thanks so much for sharing this brilliant perspective
This is what I was planning to say, Kat, but you’ve put it much better than me. The reality is that there are things our children will face which are much, much more of a danger to them than a terrorist attack – we should mourn those who lost their lives and it’s awful, absolutely awful. It’s just, also, important to keep it in perspective, which is understandably hard when something like this happens.
It’s also, I think, important, after we have mourned and supported those who have been touched by this, to take a moment to be thankful that these events are so rare and that our police and security & intelligence services are doing SO much behind the scenes to keep us all safe so we can live in a world where an event like this is SO outrageous, horrendous and shocking. The amazing scenes of people coming together and helping each other – goodness, it’s such a testament to how great human nature can be. I know it’s trite but that meme of how there are always helpers at events like this is so true. I always think about how these people who perpetrate attacks like this are trying to drive fear and anger and hate into all of us – but it tends to do the opposite (which, I also think is particularly British in a way…maybe because we’ve been dealing with terrorism in different guises for much longer than just this current wave).
Kat thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts, my husband has a very similar opinion in terms of statistics and rationality. I think it’s extremely important that we don’t promt fear and thus division, we would just be going backwards in so many ways. Absolutely agree on the mental anguish aspect of how as parents surrounding our children with fear and anxiety would only increase this x
Very nicely put Kat, you made me nod throughout and we must try and keep perspective however scared we sometimes feel.
Kat you are absolutely spot on 👍❤ xx
Thank you for this Charlotte.
This week, I’ve been pretty much housebound due to a tonsilitis infected little E. While I would usually bemoan the fact that I have spent that entire time with a hot, grumpy toddler hanging from my neck, I’ve found myself being completely thankful for it. She is here, she is safe, she is loved.
A friend of mine was there that night. He was there with Martyn Hett, who died after being separated from them – I won’t pretend to know Martyn, but I knew of him well enough and followed his adventures online. To see the uncertainty and fear when he was missing and now, what his death has done to his loved ones is beyond heartbreaking. Nobody should have to feel that pain. Nobody – children or adult – should go somewhere like a concert or a theme park and never come home.
But we CANNOT live in fear. A week after the Westminster attack, I took E to London to visit my cousins for the first time. Yes, I was worried but my love for my family far outweighs my fear of terrorism.
It sounds trite, but love is the key surely. I will teach her to grow up with love and acceptance in her heart, and never lose hope that other parents will do the same. If Martyn has shown me anything, it’s to live every single moment of life… don’t hide away, find joy, spread joy and be happy.
There will always be bad people, but a life of love, strong communities, acceptance of eachother and true unity will surely go some way to stop vulnerable people in our country’s feeling disenfranchised and open to radicalism. We all have a responsibility to raise our children to love not to fear.
To paraphrase the late Jo Cox “we have far more in common than that which divides us”
Xx
Love is always key Karen, I’m so glad you took E to visit London and didn’t let what happened stop you. SO much of my anger stems from the fact I am scared – I’m as angry at myself as much as anything else. And that’s exactly what they want – fear. So sorry to hear your friend was actually there and lost someone close to them x
Thank you for putting in words what I’m sure many of us are feeling right now. I commute into London pretty much every working day, and have for years. I’ve never worried about myself, not after 7/7, Westminster or all the other horrid attacks all over the world. Manchester hit me much harder than anything before – I remember my own excitement about my first gig and I want that for our boy. Seeing big football matches with his dad, his favourite band and enjoying that carefree. Of course it’s much more likely to be hit by a car than be in an attack but it’s the deliberate cruelty that gets me. I felt the same after watching 3 Girls, I know there is only so much we can do as parents but the thought of him being hurt like that makes me feel physically sick. And the outpouring of hate you get form some people against whole communities (be it because of their religion or ethnicity) is making it worse. So all I can hope for and do is bring up a little boy to become a man who stands against this hate and horror and will make the world a better place. Or as Man vs Baby put it so eloquently: https://www.facebook.com/manversusbaby/photos/a.731695576968065.1073741828.728359387301684/982514028552884/?type=3&theater
This is a wonderful heartfelt article, putting words to feelings that I think so many of us are feeling following the horrible, heartbreaking news out of Manchester.
I don’t have children, but I’ve found myself holding my partner more tightly than normal, and every time I go to work I make sure that he knows just how much I love him. We want to start a family in the future, and the events around the world recently are making us consider how we can bring up a child safely in such a world. All we can do, all any of us can do, is focus on the good in humanity and in the world and bring up our children, and future children, with love and kindness. X
Thanks for this Charlotte.
I agree with Kat above, statistics and perspective are comforting and necessary. I can’t imagine to understand how the families of all those affected on Monday must be feeling, and I won’t pretend to; they are all in my thoughts.
I have an internal dilemma in that I am getting tired of hearing “we will not be broken, we will stay united etc” from politicians/spokespeople. I feel there has (sadly) been the necessity to say it more often recently and it seems like it’s just lip service and has lost its meaning. BUT, what’s the other option? Fall apart and give up? Live in fear and trepidation that anywhere you go could be a target (which to be fair, is reality)? SO the words aren’t just lip service, they’re true. And maybe what I’m tired of isn’t those words but the frequency at which events are happening that mean they need to be said. Sorry, this isn’t a particularly helpful comment but maybe others are feeling the same.
xxx
I couldn’t agree more. I live and work in London. My office is just down the road from Westminster, close enough to hear the gun shots. I was already fairly shaky, but then waking up on Tuesday morning to hear about the bomb in Manchester topped it off. Our office is on lockdown, searches of everyone entering the building, and my commute to collect my son goes through Westminster, London Bridge, Canary Wharf… everyday I panic that something is going to happen to me and no one will be there to collect my little boy and he’ll be left on his own wondering what happened to his Mama. I’m terrified to take him to the park (we live in Greenwich), and now I fear my worries surrounding his safety is only going to get ten times worse as he’s older as he goes to school, wants to go to concerts, football matches… I want to leave the City, take him to the countryside and spend all day every day with him, but that’s just not feasible as both of our jobs are here at present. I am a bit lost, and totally heartbroken, and feeling horribly guilty for bringing my little boy into such a cruel, horrible world. But perhaps our littles can be the rays of sunshine, the ones to forge a change and create a happier, more united world. That is what I’m hoping for, and I’ll do anything I can in the meantime! Thanks for giving me an outlet to get all of that out!
Sian, as a primary school teacher I can promise you the children are our shining beacons. We spend hours every week instilling values of tolerance, respectfulness, care to others and a sense of duty to our communities. Seeing our children playing on the yard today from many faiths, religions and cultures brought me hope and strength during a very difficult week. They have the power to make our world a stronger place and we mustn’t forget that xxx
This is lovely to hear, Hannah. Thank you!
At the time as the Manchester bomb going off I was leaving the Echo Arena in Liverpool. The feeling that it could so easily could have been us has not left me since and I didn’t sleep a wink on Monday night. As much as we want to protect our children from being hurt, we cannot predict a madman targeting concerts, or even that in a split second of changing seats on a ride a tragedy could happen. As the usual saying goes, we could step outside and be hit by a bus at anytime.
I don’t feel unsafe in the UK – I’ve been to Paris, Brussells, Stockholm and New York and would visit again without a second thought. It could happen anywhere and I think making too big an issue of preventing children from going on rollercoasters or on the tube could actually make them more fearful of the world. Our generation didn’t live in a world without fear – we knew of the IRA bombing cities. I guess what I am trying to say that there will always be a risk in public places but we have to carry on living and making memories without constantly looking over our shoulder.
Claire – with regards to your comment that our generation didn’t live in a world without fear – do you think the presence of social media in our lives has an impact on our thoughts/feelings about such events? I find my Facebook feed quite overwhelming right now. x
Yes, I massively think that social media has an impact. I read the news about Manchester but I barely looked at any social media. To me it just doesn’t help to have so much hate, anger or sadness being thrust at you – I want to feel how I feel and be confident with my own decisions. I love looking at pretty houses on Instagram or seeing what friends around the world are doing on Facebook, but rather than getting more involved I’m actually heading further away from social media these days.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this.
I live in London, and often take my little boy into central London. My husband, dad and many of my friends and family work in central London. I’ve never felt scared, but Manchester has really affected me. I think, as you and everyone have eloquently described, it is because it was an attack on children. Not just the lives taken but the innocence lost of all those other children that were there, that know someone there, that have lost someone. Another fear I have is the hatred and division that is bred out of these horrendous acts. My husband is a British born Asian. His family are Muslim. The thought that anyone could hate them, attack them, blame them, makes me more scared than anything. The fact I may have to explain racial tension and hatred to my mixed race chilsren fills me with as much dread and fear as another attack. I don’t want my children to know of hatred and fear.
I am trying to focus on positives- there are more good than bad people, in dark times we see bravery, love and selflessness. That is true, but a truly sad week.
As a school teacher I have been faced with some pretty difficult questions over the last three days. Questions such as ‘ am I going to be killed in a terrorist attack, have we done something wrong, am I not supposed to play with that person? Etc etc. I never underestimate what a six or seven year old understands. They are bright young things who know that what happened on Monday was devastating and frightening. After a long chat today with our class of thirty we came to know firm conclusions. However we did reconcile over bonds of friendship and togetherness. As they clearly emphasised today ‘being a good and kind super person will always beat the bad, evil guys won’t it Mrs Stubbs.’ Yes it will my lovelies. Yes it will xxx
*no. As a school teacher I clearly can’t spell!! #itsbeenalongweek
Completely agree Hannah! It’s completely right that everyone reacts with horror and sadness that this absolute atrocity happened. My 5 year old son saw it in the news on Tuesday morning and I found it really hard to talk to him about it because I was so upset and I didn’t want to scare him. However we did talk about later and I told him that a horrible man had done something terrible and that lots of people felt sad. It’s virtually impossible to stop these lunatics who are willing to die for their beliefs from carrying out these attacks if they are hell bent on doing so, however we have to remember that it is still a very small possibility of being caught up in any of this, and more importantly that the by-product of this horrendous act was to bring together the rest of the world in love and community. No one parent or person can change the world, we can’t stop every fundamentalist with a horrible plan, but we can take charge of those we have responsibility for and teach them the values of tolerance and love and kindness! Talking about what’s happened, talking about racism and educating our children is the way we can do our bit. And take joy in the innocence and beauty of children when the days are bleak like this week.