Ethan is three years old. And the most common question I seem to get asked regarding parenting is “Do you think you’ll have another?”.
Being the over-sharer that I am, my answer to the above question is and has been “We don’t intend to have any more.” Although sometimes I must admit to wanting to tell people to get their nose out of my uterus and mind their own bloody business.
From early on, Gavin and I have thought about being a one child family. Then after going through the early years, we had our beliefs somewhat concreted. We did not want to do all that again. Although, I’ll be very honest and say that there are some times that I do feel broody. And we jointly say that we’re about 80% sure that we’re done.
I currently have no interest in being pregnant again, giving birth again or tackling nappy changes again (Ethan once had such a bum explosion it ended up under his armpits. He was also strapped into a car seat at the time. All I can say is that “Mum I need to go to the toilet!” is much more preferable to aformentioned poo-namis). Gavin feels similarly. Although we are both pretty certain that another child would be greated with much joy and a more relaxed form of parenting.
We were never sure if we were meant to be parents. And now we’re not so sure if we’re meant to be parents of two. But another thing to take into consideration is whether or not Ethan would like to be a sibling.
While my boy is very socially aware (thank you daycare) and naturally enjoys the company of other kids, he tends to also really enjoy his own company. Our move home from Australia to UK is going blissfully well and so far Ethan’s LOVING being surrounded by more people and playing with his cousins all day long. But this morning as soon as he woke up he sat on the stairs and we had a conversation that just about broke my heart:
Ethan: Mummy I’m really sad.
Me: Sweetheart! What’s wrong?…
Ethan: I miss Australia
Me: Why do you miss Australia darlin?
Ethan: I miss watching trains and pick up trucks. I want to watch them on my own.
From this, I gather that it’s not so much Australia that he’s missing, but rather the time he spent in his own company. When I was making dinner each day he used to watch a (ridiculously catchy) Youtube show called Truck Tunes. It was like his wind down time after a busy day. And while he’s been spending fun filled days running riot with other kids, I think he’s missing that time to himself. He was also often found happily playing in the middle of the floor quietly with his toys. I was like this as a child, so I understand that need for space and frankly, there’s not been much of that lately.
Gavin and I are trying to not just take our own feelings about having another child into consideration, but also Ethan’s, he’s part of this family too. Which is why I get really annoyed at the amount of people who respond to our “We don’t intend to have any more” with:
“An only child is a lonely child”
“Aw, you have to give them someone to play with”
“You’ll change your mind”
or the one that’s got under my skin the most…
“You can’t do that, that’s not fair on him”
Sure there are long term implications and worries about having an only child (my main one is how he will cope with two ageing parents), but I wonder, are some kids suited to being an only child whilst others are better with siblings?
I’d love to know if any of you were are only child?
Or if you intend on only having one?
Do you feel the pressure from other people to keep reproducing?
Or do you tell them it’s none of their goddamn business?
Image by Nectarine Photography.
It’s totally right that you tell people to mind their own – it’s the most personal of things.
From my perspective, having an only child never entered my mind. If we were lucky enough I always wanted a biggish family. We’ve two boys and one day I’d like a third. My mum was an only child and went on to have four children- I think it’s fair to say she didn’t enjoy being an only child. As a result of being in a big family and loving it id like that experience for my children.
But only you really know your child and whether he is “better off” without siblings.
I really really really do believe if you’re (not you personally just in general) not 100% committed to no more babies that you wouldn’t regret having another but if you didn’t you might always think what if and wish you had – at least I know I would and talking with mummy friends they all say the same.
It’s a big life changer for sure and can only be you and your other half’s decision. Ignore the negative comments if you can!
Yes to your second-last para, Victoria. One of my female friends recently confided in me that she regrets not trying for a second now that she’s passed the age to have kids. I think the big difference re: Naomi above is my friend said she never took the time to really THINK about it, she just let the years roll by and then woke up and realised it was too late. Scared the sh*t out of me though, hah.
Victoria and Kate, there is always a fear that I’ll be 60 years old and wishing my Christmas dinner table was a little more full… But I don’t think that’s the best reason to have another kid 😂
Like you said Kate, some people just let life float by and I honestly think that’s how most regrets are born. Kids or no kids.
I totally agree Naomi and I also don’t think you’ll regret the decision you make because you made it for important reasons that aren’t going to change. I think it’s normal to worry but there are pleeeenty of mums out there with only one child who are v happy. Just like there are plenty of happy women with no kids and others with ten kids. You’ve got to choose the path that makes the most sense for you.
When I say third … not necessary a boy! We’ll take what we’re lucky enough to be given!
Thank you for writing this. I’m an only child and although that was ok, when my husband and I decided to start a family, we really wanted two. The actual experience of raising a now almost three year old has been joyful at times and we are blessed to have a very happy boy, but we – in particular me – have found it much much harder day to day than imagined. Like you, I don’t want to do it all again. I want to move forward with our boy to each new stage, not back to the start again. I know our son will have much happier parents this way and I value my existing family, my sanity, our health and marriage more, than to assume another child would be worth it – after a second set of hard baby years of course!
Lisa I so appreciate this comment. I too found it way more difficult day to day that I imagined it would be. And I could not echo these feelings more:
“I want to move forward with our boy to each new stage, not back to the start again. I know our son will have much happier parents this way and I value my existing family, my sanity, our health and marriage more, than to assume another child would be worth it”
I only ever pictured myself having one and now I have my two year old I still feel the same. I have friends who have had babies recently and there is no way shape or form I desire to have a newborn again! No thank you!
What really gets my goat is A. Why do people think they have a right to comment on your choices?!
B. My usual response to being asked if we are having another is just no, one is enough, but what I really want to say is ‘I can’t have another I had IVF to get this one so the chances are slim to none’ I know that would shut them right up. I save that one for the people who come back with the stupid comments you list in your post!
Claire I think I get annoyed so much by these questions because they seem to be a free-for-all. And considering the amount of people who are coping with fertility delays and struggles these days, it’s quite an assumptive question.
I have a friend who had to have a hysterectomy after her first, so I often wonder if she gets asked this question how she coped with it.
This is pretty pertinent for me as it’s something frequently on my mind, Fern’s coming up for two and a half and many of my friends with toddlers her age are having a second now.
I feel exactly the same as Lisa. I’m loving moving forward with each new stage and the thought of going ‘back’ and starting all over again holds zero appeal for me. I feel like my pregnancy/birth/early months with Fern was an all-consuming project that I trained for, executed to the absolute best of my abilities and got through with grit and determination. I liken it to my degree/similar big achievement. It was hard, rewarding, I threw myself into it and did it, and succeeded. It’s done, no need to do it again. Ditto each big parenting challenge since. I’m not sure I have it in me to muster that energy and commitment all over again. Especially with a small child to look after at the same time!
I sound pretty decided, right? So why is it so often in my mind? We always envisaged having two. I think possibly my utter aversion to having any more right now is a sensible healthy state of mind, we’re about to embark in a huge remodel and extension of our house. The roof will be coming off, external walls coming down and we’ll be moving out. I’m not planning on doing a Grand Designs and enduring a 4th trimester in a static caravan. All being well, this time next year we’ll have a spacious, practical family home, designed with family life in mind. I’ve never had that before. Perhaps when I feel I have the right setting to “go through it all” again, I might feel differently. I might not! Hormones work in mysterious ways.
Similar to you Naomi, with all of the upheaval in Ethan’s life currently, he probably doesn’t need any more life changing events thrown at him. Maybe once you’re properly settled, you might feel differently. Maybe you won’t. Either way he’s going to be a healthy happy boy because it’s clear you care deeply!
Aw Philippa, that last sentence made me all teary. I think I’ve been waiting to feel broody too. When we wanted to try for Ethan it was an all consuming urge to be a mother. I suppose I thought that would happen again if we were meant to have a second, but for me and friends around me, it just seems more like a calculated choice this time.
Do you have any particular feelings about an age gap if you were to have another?
Yeah I always had a vague notion that 3yrars would be optimal. So assuming my husband gets his finger out this side of the apocalypse and finally finishes the 3D CAD of our house for our planning application, (see my instastories) then I’ll be on track for that JUST….
Oooh a very interesting subject to discuss and I look forward to reading all the comments today. I have one little boy who will be 3 soon and I am constantly bombarded with questions about having another:
‘Oooh time for another one?’
‘So when is number 2 on the way?’
It’s so rude and so presumptuous. Yes we would like another one but there are no guarantees of course. Lately I have imagined our little family as being a family of 3 and i’m cool with that. My son is very happy, very sociable and he’s at the age now where everything seems a little easier (minus the toddler meltdowns of course). Naomi, my son also loves time on his own to play.
My friends have all had second babies and yes I feel broody at times but I also think, how the hell do they manage it! I find one child a handful to be honest.
It seems that 2 or more children seems to be the ‘normal’ thing to do. I have a friend who decided they don’t want any more children after the first one and they were met by horrified looks and comments ‘but SURELY you just can’t have one child?!’ It’s just really awful to put this pressure on people, and also you don’t know what journey people have gone through to have one child, let alone considering a second.
I’m loving reading the comments too Katie, so nice to see that there are people in the very same stage/boat.
I’ve always wanted 2 or 3 but I think it is a personal choice and you don’t have to justify your reasons to anyone, if your child is happy and loved that’s all that matters. The only thing I would say though to those who don’t want to repeat the difficult baby stage is that I have honestly found it sooo much easier second time round! It’s hard to explain but it’s just so much more relaxed and they just sort of slot in! I know lots of friends with 2 have felt the same, it’s really not half as hard or all-consuming with the second. You’re already a mum so it doesn’t turn your life upside down like it does the first time. We planned a second child but I will admit that I spent most of the pregnancy feeling very guilty that I was going to upset our happy family life and wondering how on earth I could love this baby as much as my first etc. All those worries melted away as soon as my second was born. I can’t imagine being without him and any extra ‘work’ that comes with having 2 is beyond worth it every time he smiles at me or I watch his big sister give him a kiss! I suppose what I’m trying to say is not to let the thought of the ‘hard work’ be a strong reason against it because it’s really not the same second time round – you have more confidence as a mother and you just get on with it. Also the baby naps a lot so you still get quiet time with your bigger child which helps. Whatever you decide will be right for your family though! X
Sarah it’s really nice getting those insider thoughts on the not-so-extra work of another kiddo. I have friends with two who say the same. Although I don’t think I’ve ever thought of it as hard work, more a depletion of resources like time, attention, energy and finances. And because I’m enjoying getting all of those back, I don’t know if I can go back to square one again!
I knew when I was pregnant that I wouldn’t have another baby (mainly due to the horrendous pregnancy I had). Everyone told me I’d feel different once the baby was born and while I’d do it all again for her in a heartbeat, I don’t think I could put myself through it for another. I’m yet to feel broody but my sister is due a baby soon so maybe that will change when there is another little bundle in the family.
While I don’t see myself ever actively trying to get pregnant, if it was to happen by chance then obviously we’d love that baby with everything we have. Which leads me on to another point, I still can’t get my head around being able to love another child as much as I love my first. Clearly people do, and I’ve heard them say your heart just gets bigger but how?? I don’t think I’ve got anything left to give!
Haha Lynsey I totally felt like this a few months ago before I had my second – even while pregnant I couldn’t get my head round loving another as much. But you honestly just do. It doesn’t take any love away from your first, they’re different people. I suppose in the same way as you can love both your parents and not just one of them?! Your heart doubles and the extra love just comes! it was SUCH a worry for me but honestly now if I was to have a third I wouldn’t worry about that aspect at all x
It must be one of these things you can’t really comprehend until it happens! Congrats on your newest arrival ❤️
That’s so sweet Sarah! The love for your parents is a good way of explaining it. Congrats on bubba two! What I’m interested in, is the sleep deprivation! I could nap with Ethan during the day, but that must be super hard to cope with if you’ve got a newborn and a toddler to deal with!
And Lynsey, good news…. I know a girl who’s first pregnancy was horrendous and second was a breeze! So if #2 is ever on the cards, that’s my wish for you xo
Great piece Naomi.
I always knew I wanted more than one child but various complications meant we weren’t sure it would be possible. I chickened out of just telling it like it was to people who asked and instead said ‘No current plans’ rather curtly as it’s one of those questions that is so often used as ‘small talk’ when actually it’s rather personal.
I was thinking along the lines above of not being able to imagine ‘going back’ and instead just moving forward with our eldest to each new exciting stage. We did actually then manage to have another child and the biggest realization was that it didn’t feel like going back or restarting because they are so different to their bigger sibling. It’s a completely different experience to our first.
I’m not saying this to attempt to talk you into having another or question your decision in any way (I hope that comes across!), just to give a perspective to anyone who might find themselves unexpectedly with another child (for whatever reason).
But most importantly, you know what’s best for your family and it’s no one else’s business x
Oohhh, ‘no current plans’, that’s a good one. And I wouldn’t say you chickened out… You don’t have to share your intimate experiences with nosey people.
But congratulations on baby number two! And what a valid point that it’s a different experience. We had Ethan alone in Australia and if we had another, it would be surrounded by family in Scotland, so an all round different experience!
Thanks for that perspective, I’ll put that in the back pocket in case we’re ever ‘surprised’! 😉
I love this post and all the comments so far, I’m an only child and so is my husband and apart from the odd spell of “I wish I had an older brother” at about the 8 year old mark I don’t feel like I was ever missing out, learning to be sociable and enjoying my own time growing up.
While pregnant, with my nearly 2 and a half year old now, I remember saying that one would be enough because we wouldn’t know how to raise siblings neither of us having them ourselves but then I didn’t give any thought to how big a family we would have.
Spencer gave me a no drama pregnancy and has been relatively easy going as a baby but the struggles of raising a child has definitely left me with no desire to ‘go back’ as others have described it. It’s all been a lot harder than I could have imagined and I don’t think I could cope with an active toddler and a baby, I’d much rather put all my attention into raising my little boy than feel like I would spreading myself too thinly, that might sound selfish to some people but I’d rather be happy and therefore my boy be happy just for the sake of another baby. I know my husband would rather work to provide everything for one child than feel like it was being spread thinly across two (and that doesn’t mean him being spoilt, like the stereotype of an only child, just that we can give him all the opportunities we can).
A lot of my mama friends are now having their second child and there have been moments of feeling left behind and like we might be missing out but that isn’t any reason for another baby either, I look forward to easier holidays and travel and experiences with one child. (What is the obsession with having your children very close together in age nowadays too)?
The only sway is that we have a very small family so because we have no siblings ourselves there are no cousins or extended family for Spencer and that makes me a little sad so when Spencer is in nursery and he’s less ‘toddler-y’, perhaps we’d think about it, or at least have the discussion again, but I think we’re pretty set on being a troop of 3 (4 with our dog) and that’s more than enough for everyone and to answer the title of the piece, no, an only child is not a lonely child (and people should mind their own beeswax). xx
I think, at least for us, we needed to have children close together because we delayed them owing to careers and wanting to be financially ready. Less ‘an obsession’ and more about the tick tock of natures clock.
People are generally getting married / starting families later in life so if you do want a few children you kinda have to pack them in! It’s not an “obsession” just sensible as age is against us women – health wise
Sorry to cause offence ladies, perhaps obsession was too strong a word but it’s just a lot of the mamas I know are early 30s and have jumped to having 2 under 2 and that along with the questions of “when are you having another”? just mean it seems very pressuring to have another in close age to your first. And while I appreciate age and careers play a part I personally don’t understand the desire to have children so close together. To each their own though, no judgment here x
I don’t think mamas who have 2 children close together plan it so that more pressure is put on those who don’t !! I also don’t think it’s a matter of ‘jumping’ to it. We have have 2 thirteen months apart and actually there are a lot of lovely benefits – for example they’re on pretty much the same level play and communication wise, strengthening the sibling bond. We had various struggles before having our first and so we thought we would try for number 2 quickly if we were going to go through it all again.. happily it didn’t work out that way! So not so much a desire to have them close together/obsession as you describe, more an organic family plan! Sure that’s the case for many others too.
My case too. Our boys are 20 months apart. We had IUI for our first, were at peace that we may never have a second so never used protection after the first and I fell pregnant again when our eldest had his first birthday. Felt like a little miracle for us! We were over the moon.
For those who actively choose to have them very close in age, it’s probably because you get the baby stage over and done with quite quickly. They are also super cute when similar in age. I wouldn’t say it’s a trend but am happy to be put straight if there is evidence to say it is!
Claire this was a really eye opening comment for me. I love the fact that you and your husband (both being an only child) have decided to just have one yourselves. Any friends I know who were an only child have gone on to have three or four kids. Which always made me wonder if being an only child was a negative experience for them.
“I look forward to easier holidays and travel and experiences with one child.” Yes to this! Big factor for me.
I was an only child and also decided just to have one. My mom and dad were always very good at being social so always have lots of children to play with and never really missed being an only child i actually quite liked the attention. We decided to have one for similar reasons not wanting the pregnancy, sleepless, bigger house and nappy stage again, me and my husband work very different shifts and coordinating a second would add quite a bit of stress.
I think Gavin and I have both accepted that if we do just have Ethan, that we need to take responsibility for his social life in the young years especially.
Fantastic piece Naomi, and some really interesting/ great comments so far.
Reading all your comments it makes me so happy to know that it’s not just me feeling conflicted about this. My daughter has only just turned one, and there are all sorts of reasons why a second isn’t on the cards just yet, but it’s a conversation I’m yet to even have with my husband, so input from other people would be really unhelpful (and we’ve already had a few questions about when a 2nd might appear).
I had a really hard pregnancy, and a difficult labour and immediately afterwards I felt very much like I could never put myself through that again and I’m still not sure I would want to – but my siblings are some of the most important people in my life, and part of me really wants my daughter to experience the things that come from growing up together, so I’d always thought I’d have more than one child.
One of the best things about getting to write for RMF is sharing my thoughts with you lot and knowing that I’m not alone, so I completely know how you feel Rebecca. The comments have been great. Good luck with whatever you decide and from what I’ve heard, no two pregnancies are the same 🙂
I’m an only child and my husband is an only child, and we have a little boy who’s 10 months.
We really hope that he won’t be an only child and that he will have a brother or sister one day. That’s not because we hated our upbringing as being only ones… in fact I know I was super lucky as I got to try and experience so many things because I had the beenfit of being an only child.
It’s more that my husband and I need to create our own family, because we don’t have that around us ~ Oscar will never have any aunties or uncles, or any cousins, and we will never get to be an Auntie or an Uncle either, and that makes me pretty sad… so the need to grow our own family is so important to us.
Love that you are building your own tribe Katie!
Katie, that’s such a sore point for me, the lack of extended family, especially down the line when grandparents go, and it probably makes me more upset not to be someone’s aunt than I was ever upset to being an only child growing up. xx
Ah Katie – I didn’t know you were an only child!
I think you have to do what is right for you and I’m offering an alternative opinion here but we always knew we wanted to give our little girl a sibling. My husband and I are both one of three and we cant imagine not giving our little girl the gift of a sibling bond with her sister as we are close to our own siblings and i honestly would never want to be without them.
Its apparent even though the youngest is only 1 how much they love each other, it makes me so so happy to see and and although its not a given they will always have that bond I hope that they will always be grateful for each other.
Yes its not easy, the sleepless nights take its toll, there is toddler mess everywhere and work is a huge juggle but in the grand scheme of my life its only a few years – in fact my youngest is almost four and i feel like I’ve blinked and missed it! It does get easier! (with new challenges too i’m sure!)
I never doubted my decision to have two – i’m doing it for them as much as for me. Again though I would not judge anyone for their choices – its such a personal decision.
I can see the attraction to another one in that instance Katie. We’re in a different situation because Gavin and I are both one of three, so there’s aunts, uncles and cousins a-plenty. Can totally understand the need to build your own tribe (as Lynsey put it)!
It doesn’t stop! I have 3 and I’m constantly asked if/when we’ll have another! We are not planning to have another, but we are a very much a ‘never say never’ family and so if I get broody and the house is bigger in the future and our finances are stable, we are open minded to 4! This is our “answer” but it does irk me that people even ask. I have friends and family that have been through extensive rounds of ivf, and also ones that simply don’t want children, it’s so rude that people think it’s ok to ask such a personal question!
To answer some of the other comments, I think people are having them closer together out of necessity now, careers don’t wait around and also everyone is starting families a lot older so they have to try for number 2 sooner!
Also, it is definitely more relaxed/confident the second time around.
Lisa, do you think second and third babies (while still having their own personalities) have a tendency to be more chill because mum is more chill? Or is that urban legend?
Also, don’t you think it’s the great paradox of motherhood that, on the whole (sorry for the stereotyping), you will never appreciate how easy it is with one until another comes along and by that time you’ve got two so it’s too late to appreciate it? xx
Haha Claire, to your second question… Right now, Gavin is in the garden teaching Ethan to ride his bike and I’m alone in the house with a cup of tea reading all these amazing comments. Trust me, I am SO appreciating how easy it is with one!
Hi Claire!
From my personal experience i was a more relaxed and confident parent with my second and then third.. a bit like starting school each year and knowing the ropes but your new class/year group being different and with new challenges! I agree with the paradox! I remember looking in awe at parents with more than one, wondering how they did it! And now i am that parent!
They have all been different babies. My 1st a 3rd most similar in personality. I wouldn’t say the babies themselves are more ‘chill’ That i think depends entirely on the age gap and what developmental stage your elder ones are at and what their specific needs and emotions are. I do think that 2nd and 3rd benefit from learning from your first time around parenting ‘mistakes’ and so can appear more chill because you kind of know the ‘tipping points’ and traps from a learning/behaviour perspective!
On the other hand my eldest (6) is super duper bright and i often wonder whether my now 2 and 1 year old will be as academic because they didn’t have my sole attention for 4 years! Always worrying, whatever way!
Great piece, two thoughts apart from that people need to keep their noses out!!! Such a personal choice, grr.
1) I think there’s an assumption that everyone “should” have two children, ideally a boy and a girl like bloody Peter and Jane. Anyone who chooses one, three, four or more still gets an eyebrow raise and tart comments. Interestingly I’ve really noticed this since having Paddy- the assumption is “oh you can stop now because you have one of each.” Er, no, we will do what’s right for us, thanks.
2) I wonder if some of the worst comments are a hangover from a generation where children didn’t go to nursery but stayed “home with mother” so there’s a weird idea that if you just have one they never see other children? Clearly utter nonsense (probably then as now!) and hopelessly outdated but it hangs around like so many other crappy ideas.
You have so totally hit the nail on the head here Lucy!! (high five)
God I hate the “one of each” I have two boys and people have already intimated would we “try for a girl”
Whaaaaaaaaaat?!!!!
We might “try for a baby”
Ahhh it annoys me so much!
Yep me too! I have two boys and couldn’t be happier. What does “try for a girl” even mean!?
🤣 can you even imagine what the logistics of this would look like??
“Left.. Left… No! Right! Yes! Only x chromosomes getting through!”
Jo l… Laughing SO hard right now!!! 🤣🤣🤣
I’m on only child and at times it was incredibly lonely even to the point of calling round a friends house on Xmas day because I was on my own. Mum was cooking; who knows what dad was doing! But the benefits are that I knew how to talk to adults at an early age, I don’t suffer fools gladly and I’m fiercely independent. I’d like O to have a sibling but not sure I can go through pregnancy and the associated stress that soon. Needless to say husband is pushing the idea far more than I am. If someone could hand me a 3 month old that would be great. Another child is wanted but another pregnancy right now is not!
Claire, I’m sorry to hear you were so lonely. A friend of mine who has two reckons her kids have reached an age gap where the eldest is wanting to be out in the street playing and the youngest is lonely. I think we all experience that as kids and I also think, for the reasons you’ve mentioned, it can be healthy.
I’m going to start this by saying that I’m a mum of one, and I loved pregnancy – I had an easy time of it compared to many, and my labour, while excruciatingly painful, was fine, the after-effects of the cuts and tears aside! *grimace* And I loved the newborn stage, I loved maternity leave and all of the joys of watching my baby grow. I also found parts of it really difficult – especially the extreme exhaustion from breastfeeding a baby who didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2.5 years old, and still regularly climbs into my bed at night. I say this because, with my son now 5-years-old, any time I tell people that I absolutely DO NOT want another child, they assume that I must have hated pregnancy/labour/the baby years. No, I didn’t – I loved them! He was a high-need baby, and is still a high-need child, but I have loved every bit of watching him grow. The thing is, each new stage is so much more enjoyable than the last, and it makes the idea of going back to the baby stage really seem quite unappealing to me. Any time I see a parent with two or more kids, I feel a real sense of unease – it does not appeal to me at all. Before having my son, my husband and I always imagined having two kids – we’re both from “twos” ourselves so it made sense to us. But the feeling that I had before we started our family, that desperate desire to have a baby, has never returned – I am content with my boy, I love him more than life itself and I have no desire at all to change anything about our life. (And yes, before anyone thinks or says it, I’m sure I would love a second child just as much as my son. I just don’t want one!) As to all of those people who say he “needs someone to play with” – well, he has a lot of friends, and he has cousins, older and younger, that he loves to play with. He also loves his own space and, at this age, the gap (six years at least) between him and any sibling would likely mean they didn’t play together much anyway. I’ve been told he “needs” the unique bond that a sibling brings – while I love my sister dearly, and my husband loves his brother, neither of us have that BFF-style super-close relationship with our siblings – blood ties and shared history aren’t enough to guarantee closeness. People used to ask me (a LOT) when (not IF) we were going to have another – I’ve spent the last few years laughing loudly in people’s faces and telling them “Oh, god, NEVER!” and I think they’re starting to get the message, because people don’t tend to ask anymore! An only child can certainly be a happy, well-rounded child – they can socialise with friends and family, especially once they’re in nursery/school. People really need to learn to mind their own business – it’s no-one’s decision but your own.
I could have wrote this! I feel exactly the same. It’s so nice to hear from parents of one as I think we are definitely in a minority. Luckily I have two sets of friends who are also staying at one! I have quite a few friends who are only children and they are confident happy grounded people who have so much love from their parents I’m actually a little jealous!
You have very eloquently expressed exactly how I feel!
MamaMonkey – YES to all of the above. I too had a positive experience with pregnancy, birth and baby years. I loved (most of) it, but zero desire to revisit it.
This is such an interesting post.
I’m an only one and had a great childhood surrounded by friends and family and never felt at all lonely or out of place because I didn’t have siblings. I was also happy and enjoyed spending time by myself just like Ethan. For me it was never a bad thing.
However as I’ve got older it has bothered me more that I won’t ever know what a sibling relationship feels like and I do worry about moving away from my parents as they get older or having someone to share problems or worries associated with older parents. Also there’s a certain amount of pressure I’ve put myself under (not from my mum and dad at all) that I’m the only one that can get married/ give them grandchildren/ get a stable job etc etc and I’ve found that hard at times aswell.
And not to get too sentimental but sometimes I realise that once my mum and dad are no longer here I’ll have no one to share the history of my life or shared experiences of childhood with.
My husband is one of three and so has cousins and a lot of relatives from that side, but as someone else said it’s sad to think that I won’t be an auntie in my own right or that there’ll be no extended family on my side for my little boy to get to know.
For all these reasons I always wanted more than one child myself, and I’m currently pregnant with number 2. If we had only been able to have one then that would have been absolutely fine but if possible I want my little boy to have a sibling, someone to support and share things with throughout his whole life.
Congrats on your pregnancy Emma! And thanks for sharing your thoughts now that you’re getting older. I have to say my biggest concern for Ethan is family support growing up. It’s definitely something worth thinking through.
Such an interesting conversation.
I’ve always wanted more than one – and having our boy now, even more so. My husband on the other hand in many wars grew up as an only child. He has half and stepsiblings but was raised sort of in between by his parents. I’m really close to my brother and whilst I know there’s no guarantee, I would like that for our baby. It’s not just playmates when they’re younger, it’s having an adult later to share those memories with, to help looking after your parents as they get older. My dad passes away eight years ago and it definitely made the bond between my brother and me stronger.
Saying that, that’s completely my own view and I find presumptions that you have to have more than one really rude and invasive. At the end of the day, you need to decide what works best for you and your family!
Maike, I can totally appreciate where you’re coming from with this. I never pay too much concern to the idea of an only child as a child, it’s more the adult years that form my 20% uncertainty.
I’ve really enjoyed reading the comments on this. i’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first, conceived after our first round of IVF. We’ve spent the last 4 years not knowing if we’d even be lucky enough to have one child, and we don’t know if we’ll ever be able to have another.
I have no idea how I’ll feel once I become a mum, but one thing that did make me very sad is that when i got married, my dad (an only child) had NO family there. I’m one of four so he obviously went on to have a big family himself. Growing up with 3 siblings means I can’t imagine what it would be like to be without them! But it also meant that we didn’t have much money and sometimes had to go without.
I don’t want my child to be lonely but I also want to be able to give them the best I can – time, experiences. Maybe I will never get the choice if future IVF treatment (if we can ever afford it!) is unsuccessful.
Jen congratulations on your pregnancy!!! That’s such great news for you both. And I’m sure it’s the bright light you were looking for at the end of that four year tunnel.
I am an only child. I can honestly say that I never understood the never ending comments I got growing up ” aren’t you lonely?”, ” don’t you miss having a sibling?”. The answer is no. I also love having me time, even now as an adult. I am married, have two children of my own, used to work full time as a doctor so have no problem interacting with lots of people. I feel I have been in a privileged position my entire life, I have had my parents all to myself. I would get home from school and my worries were left at the door, I didn’t have to fight for attention or squabble with a sibling. I am not afraid of caring for my parents. If this does happen I would do it with open arms to these two people who gave and continue to give me everything. I also want to dismisd the ” only children are selfish saying”. No, we are determined, we know what we want, this is not a bad thing. I hesitated a very long time to have two children but ultimatly we wanted two, it works for our family. But I want them both to have individual child parent time and memories as I had and that isnt always easy. Do what makes sense in your life and makes you and your family happy.
“I want them both to have individual child parent time and memories as I had” I think this is such an important point Anna. I never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, I think I’d be nervous of losing that one to one time. But I suppose if you’re aware of it, it’s easier to make sure it happens.
With a 12, 10 and 3 year old I get the “Do you think you’ll have a forth?” and “Why those age gaps?” questions all the time. I’ve never been bothered by these questions at all and its quite an eye opener to read how many people in the comments take offence at these. Its made me realise I’m probably one of those people who asks it as I’m constantly finding myself chatting over coffee with a complete stranger debating the merits of bigger/smaller families… so on behalf of the nosy folk out there – sorry! I genuinely find ALL the comments and opinions really helpful as these decisions are basically REALLY difficult to make. I never wanted to be a parent at all and these days I’m consumed with whether we can manage another, my thoughts flit from thinking that we couldn’t possibly because Wednesdays are far too busy, to crying at One Born because I never want to do that again but then/what if I never do that again and… there’s a pram in an online basket… just in case. What I really need is an opinionated aunty to share some old nonsense so that I can disagree and then I’ll know what I think.
Naomi, for what its worth, I think you sound like a perfectly content family. It sounds as though the element of calm you have is something the three of you all share and it sounds a really beautiful balance. I think our personalities have to be such a key indicator in this sort of decision. Some of us like things to be organised and some of us thrive in chaos… it should be totally fine that we can at least aim for our families to reflect us at our happiest.
(Note to self: from now on restrain from over questioning strangers in the supermarket about their family planning) X
I am completely the same as you with the nosy asking of this – it is more because I find it interesting to see the choices that people make rather than the belief that you should have a specific number of offspring, I guess I have never thought of it as an invasive question personally, but that is only because I am an open book. This is an interesting topic to reiterate to people like me that some people are not as oversharing as others!! Oops! Sorry!! <3
I love this comment Amanda! I’m the same, I’m probably one of those people who ask but not because I’m trying to be nosey or rude or judgemental, I’m just genuinely interested! There’s no right or wrong and it’s interesting to hear people’s thoughts / experiences, just as everyone is sharing here! So it’s not necessarily intended to cause any offence if people ask about your family plans and I personally don’t mind at all if people ask about my thoughts on whether I’ll have more kids or not. As someone who has 2 kids anyway the question doesn’t go away – I’ve been asked loads if I’ll have a third! I’ve also had a few people tell me I ‘don’t need’ a third because I’ve got one of each! Ok then…. 🙄🙈 x
Ps I’m the same when I watch one born… partly happy at the prospect of never going through labour again, partly devastated and suddenly very broody!!
Amanda, I can’t tell you how much I loved this comment. And in particular this bit:
“I think our personalities have to be such a key indicator in this sort of decision”
That is SO true. Gavin and I like our own time, we like our chilled out holidays and we love our wee boy. But that’s about as much chaos as I’m willing to invite.
I’ll not lie though, I do romanticise a bustling household like yours at times!
As for being the person that asks… I’m pretty sure that pre-Ethan I asked people about their reproductive plans. However now, I feel like there’s a place, a time and a way to ask such a personal question. Like most things, some people take offence, some don’t. It’s an interesting topic.
Glad I’m not alone Sarah and Vanessa and totally agree Naomi – there is an art to asking anything personal and a very fine line between sounding judgemental and sounding genuinely interested in an open conversation. Thankfully I’ve never come across any offence as most people will freely launch into an emotional monologue around their health, relationships, sleep patterns, insecurities etc… I’m obviously drawn to meeting likeminded over-sharing folk! Having said that, everyone on here, even those who have said its a very personal thing, have been more than happy to share their thoughts- there’s a lot to be said for creating an open, non judgemental opportunity to discuss different opinions. If only all the nosy questioners out there shared the same friendly tone as RMF does!
Such an interesting post Naomi. I’m currently pregnant with no 2 and my little girl will soon be 2 and a half. This pregnancy wasn’t actually planned (though we are pleased about it), and when I found out my first thoughts were about how my daughter will cope with a sibling – she’s high maintenance and very attached to me – coupled with a bit of sadness that she’ll no longer be the sole focus of my attention. Not to mention that she won’t be able to remember it just being us, though I’m aware that might not be a bad thing in some ways!
My dad is an only child and from an extended family perspective, I think it’s nice to have a wider family circle to mix with. However, I absolutely don’t think that alone is a good enough reason to have more than one child.
Ultimately, as others have said, it’s no one else’s business how many children a couple chooses to have. I personally would never ask anyone other than possibly my very closest friends, and even then, only if it came up in conversation. It’s impossible to know anyone else’s circumstances and you might be upsetting them by asking. Also, it’s just nosy! 🙂
Tracy I think it’s lovely that your first thoughts were about your daughter. I’m sure with such an aware and loving Mum, she’ll be absolutely fine. You should have a read of Anna’s comment above about “I want them both to have individual child parent time”. Was a good one.
Such an interesting post, and comments. This is very timely as I have an 18 month old and have been struggling of late with the ‘will you have another’ and ‘you don’t want to leave a big age gap’ questions.
I really struggled with the newborn (and not so newborn!) stage, and still look back on that time very sadly. This leaves me torn between feeling (1) I could never go back to such a sad time and (2) I want to do it again to enjoy it more.
I actually do agree with some of the comments about some people seeming to be ‘obsessed’ with a small age gap. I am very early thirties, so in my view there is no urgent rush to have another, yet I often get warned not to leave a big age gap. I think, still feeling vulnerable from the early months, and guilt about not enjoying it, I am overly sensitive to these comments and often question ‘what’s wrong with me’ for thinking that I don’t want to have another baby, at least yet (despite the fact that rationally I have no issue or concerns with having an only child or anyone else having an only child!). It’s taken a while for me to feel like wanting to wait is acceptable, and doesn’t make me a bad mother or ‘wrong’. It seems to me that, as with all things parenting, you just have to find what’s right for you and your family, and ignore all the ‘advice’, however well intended!
Wanting to wait and/or any of your personal choices as a parent do not make you a bad mother or wrong. In fact, it means that you’re aware and looking after you own health and that of your family’s. Your making the most personally tailored decisions for your families circumstances, so don’t worry what the questioners ask, just know that you’re doing what’s perfectly right for you and your own!
Great post, thank you! We have decided we are very happy and content as a family of 3, but as E is nearly 18 months I’ve heard all of those opinions regularly. We have plenty of reasons why we wouldn’t want to try for another one including fertility treatment, E going straight to NICU and family history of mental health issues in the male side. I also had severe morning sickness and not sure I could go through that again with a boisterous toddler who still mostly sleeps like a newborn! But even disregarding those, we still think we would have come to the conclusion that we feel our family is complete. We want to enjoy every stage of E growing up and do the best job we can raising her.
“we feel our family is complete’, that’s such an interesting phrase Charlotte and weirdly, one I’ve never thought much about. I’m going to have a think over this, because right now, I’m not sure I could answer that for myself.
Hi Naomi, I am almost 8 months pregnant with my second baby, she was unplanned and I am still trying to get my head around the fact that I will have a newborn again in the next few weeks. Like you my husband and I were considering having an only one child and had decided to put the second child discussion on hold for at least another year. I was absolutely certain that I didn’t want to be pregnant again, nor have another newborn and “start again”, when I found out I was pregnant, we decided that perhaps it was fate sending us a message and to just go with it. My mood has been up and down throughout, I am terrified most of the time, although I have sorted out better childcare this time and hopefully it will be a little easier as I know what to expect???? Or not? We shall see.
Currently my concern is for my firstborn, how she will deal with it, how we will continue to spend time together and I am adamant I will continue to read her a story at night and put her to bed myself.
Do I think we will regret it? No I don’t, but would I have ever made a conscious decision to have another? I think the answer is that I wouldn’t have.
Wish me luck!
Sara, pregnancy is an uncertain time at the best of times, so I can only imagine how you’re feeling! It will be interesting to see how things pan out over the next few months. I have a feeling that you would come back to me and tell me that it’s the best thing that happened to you and how you can’t imagine being without baby #2!
Everyone I know reckons the second kid is easier. So I’m hoping for an easy birth and baby stage for you. xo
I was bought up as an only child in a single parent family, my half siblings are 15 years older than me and left home before I can ever remember them being there. I was never lonely. I love my own company and always found a way to keep myself busy!!
However as you know, my Mum died before I married Mr O. And if it weren’t for my older half siblings I don’t know what I would have done. They helped me with all the official side of things, selling her home and dealing with all of that. We aren’t close at all, and i feel lonely. I’m a mum now with two close age gap kids and for me – I’m pleased they have each other. They have someone to play with all the time, they have someone to share with, and someone to communicate/argue with. Seeing their relationship makes me realise what I never had growing up as an only child in a one parent family, that interaction they have constantly. However, my childhood enabled me to form strong bonds with friends, who in turn became family to me! So I never missed out, because I had a best friend who I spent all my time with, and I learnt to socialise, and share, and communicate with her. There’s pros and cons to everything, you know on your heart if one baby is enough, and that is a beautiful thing 💜
Really refreshing to read this, thank you. We have one child, our gorgeous, happy little lady who is now getting close to being 6. Since the moment we had our daughter we were asked if we plan to have another… it’s crazy, something I, personally, would never ask someone.
We’ve come across some incredibly strong viewed people. The most common reaction is “don’t you think she will be lonely if you decide not to have another” …hardly the reason to have another child! We’re incredibly close, Lily is very happy and has lots of friends and family and two parents who will make sure she has the most wonderful life.
I haven’t got any kids yet but more often the subject keeps arising and I do think I would like to be a mum. Funnily enough I have not really thought about the prospect of having several children, and at 34 I would need to get a move on!
My husband is an only child and I have a brother with learning difficulties who is unlikely to live alone so we will not have nieces and nephews, and thus our children will not have any cousins. This is affecting my thinking on whether any future children would be lonely.
I think I will just have to take parenthood as it comes when it finally happens and see how our family develops. I am one of 13 grandchildren and thinking back to our childhood there was a real mix of quiet children that were happy on their own with a book, and those who liked to be the centre of attention. Every child is different.
I’d like to comment on your worries for dealing with aging parents. As an only child who was a Carer (with my mother) of my father in my teens and am now many years later managing my Mother who has dementia, it would have been lovely to have had a sibling to bounce things off and share the burden with. Of course if this sibling had ‘opted’ out it would have made life more difficult, currently the ‘buck stops with me’ and I don’t have to negotiate my way around another person. It is however a very lonely place to be. As an only child you grow up to be self reliant, I have made good friends down the years and don’t rely on extended family in crisis. They may be available when you are young but you can’t take for granted that that support will remain. People are busy and move on with their own lives and families. My main advice would be that as you get older, put some supports in place for your child so that if they do end up caring for you, they won’t be walking into chaos. I have two daughters , there is almost a 5 year age gap, they alternate between loving and hating each other but long term I’m happier as I know they’ll have each other.
Really intertesting post & I’ve really enjoyed reading all the comments on this today! I’m pregnant with baby 1 and couldn’t believe it when choosing a buggy how many people have commented that we should “obviously” choose one that converts in to a double, which then opens the floodgates to “when would you plan to have number 2” “what age gap do you want” etc. We haven’t even had our 1st baby yet!!!!! We’ve had a really difficult time getting to this stage (which we’ve been very open about!) so I find it surprising that people would assume we’d want to go through all of that again, or even be able to. But I think probably people don’t really think that before asking and, as people above have said, they are probably just interested rather than being insensitive. I feel so grateful to have this baby on the way so whether the future holds more babies or not I hope I hang on to this feeling that we are so, so lucky to be in the position to have 1 and that I can be confident enough to tell it like it is when people ask! X
What a lovely piece thanks for sharing. For me I came from a family of 5 girls my husband 5 boys and 1 girl. We had our beautiful daughter and were asked often when will you have another. We thought it was not ment to be as we would have loved another. We had resigned ourselves to just having our darling, but for me it broke my heart when she was having more and more cousins and kept asking why she didn’t have a little brother or sister . Also I worried about when we were gone and I had dreams of her at our funerals terrible I know but on her own with no siblings having to make all the decisions etc….I’m a worrier if you can’t tell !😊 long story short after being an only child for 10 happy years she now has a baby brother a huge surprise for us all. To see them together brings me such joy and she loves him so so much. I know the gap is big but my sister and I are so close and we have that gap so I’m hopeful they will be great friends in the years ahead. But I believe an only child is not necessarily a lonely child she was always confident and has lots of friends and was as many have said happy in her own company. I wish you every happiness and whatever you decide will be right for you 💜
We have one amazing girl and intended on having no more. Having a single child is very much a conscious decision on our part and I honestly don’t believe she’ll suffer from not having siblings. She has friends and cousins and is a very confident sociable little girl but is also very content in her own company. I’m not concerned. I can’t imagine parenting anyone else, I can’t imagine doing the early years, sleepless nights, feeding, nappies etc with another child to also care for, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to give them both my all. It makes me sad to doubt myself because obviously people do it, but it’s how I feel and I acknowledge this. It just feels right to be our fabulous little family of three and I believe she’ll thrive on a happy home. My friend (who has three) said if you know your number and you’re all happy with your number, whatever that may be, isn’t that the best.
What a brilliant piece and I’ve had a lovely half hour reading all the comments.
I have always wondered why people feel they can stick their noses in and ask about others family planning. Even at baby groups with my first, fighting to successfully breastfeed a 3 week old, I was being asked about it!
I always knew I’d like more than one and we are so excited to be expecting number two. I had a lovely relationship with my sister 12 months older than me but am Also realistic that my two might not have the same friendship or bond and that’s ok too. I’m not pinning my hopes on them being BFF.
I think I’m most excited about seeing their similarities and differences and how these work out down the line. But do have the worries of how number two will change things and how our little one will manage.
This comes from an only child, who is married to a guy who is from a family of four and we are parents to an only child, I am happy as an only child I would of have course I am sure loved s brother or sister but the concept of looking after my parents doesn’t fill me with dread as it will solely be my responsibility, but actually makes life a whole lot easier as I am assist them in making decisions without fear of offending my siblings, this is not the case in my husbands family, and seldom do all his siblings agree! My Mum (we were a single parent family) was very good st ensuring I understood sharing my space, people around me and things as I was growing up, I love to be involved with others and arranging days out and would happily share my last rolo or favourite top with anyone.
When we had our son we only intended to have one child as I suffer from some health problems and didn’t know how I would fare in pregnancy as such we took the decision prior to having any children, that if we were lucky enough to have a child we wouldn’t risk my life to give our child a sibling, this turns the idea of cruelty on its head a little. We may add to our team in the years to come but if my son and yours remain an only child, they will remain wonderful, bright little boys and wonderful grown men regardless of the lack of siblings as they will have loving, stable well adjusted parents which is the most most import thing any child needs. Xxx
Very thought provoking post. I am a mum of 3 aged 6,4 and almost 2. We knew we wanted more than one and I was very lucky pregnancy wise but the first was a bad sleeper and such a shock to the system as first babies usually are. When he was 12 months I wanted to have the next and get it out of the way! He was much easier and seeing them together and was amazing. As someone said to me in advance though when having another baby you could be creating a best friend or a worst enemy for the first – you’ll never know! We could never say for sure our family was complete even then and that was how we knew we had to try again. So after three we know we are done. This is our family and it is way more laid back than the first time round, I think you have to embrace the chaos. One other deciding factor for me was meeting a friend who felt she would definitely like another but at that point felt it was too late so as they say better in my case better to regret something you have done than haven’t. It is definitely a personal family decision but I do believe when you feel your family is complete you know and there are many factors that influence that. Just to say I am really enjoying your posts – glad the move is going well
AhHHH! “but I do believe when you feel your family is complete you know”….. I have 3 (6,2,1) and i don’t have this feeling yet! I don’t currently plan on another, but i’m 33 and as we are a ‘never say never’ family you’ve now made me think whether i am actually intended for 4 (ahhhhh!)
Hey Naomi! Chipping in from the world of no kids at all – I’ve recently gone through a different form of this with people feeling free to assume it has been my choice not to have children. I also have my stepdaughter living with me and we both get very tired of questions about the nature of our relationship (her response recently was: ‘she’s my stepmom and we are family. End of.) I am beginning to think there should be a general etiquette class on all topics uterus related – why does anyone assume it’s ok to pass judgement or opine at will on such a sensitive topic? There have been times I’ve had to walk away, so vulnerable have I felt. X
The comments on this post have been so interesting, and very timely as whether to have number 2 or not is on my mind daily at the moment or if we are having one and are done (probably, if I’m thinking about it so much then maybe I already have the answer there!)
I’m one of three, as is my husband, so in my mind 3 was always the perfect number, I’ve been broody since forever and always happy to babysit. We went into number one expecting there would be more, we did buy the pram that could convert to a double when the time came! However after a horrendous HG pregnancy I felt very strongly that I could not put myself through that again and up until the last few months I still felt that way. But I loved the newborn days and maternity leave, we did so many lovely things together which I will treasure. I absolutely want another baby, as does my husband, but I just don’t want another 9 months of what was hell, and it was tough when it was just us so how would that possibly work with a toddler.
My cousin and I are so close that we are more like sisters (and look so alike that everyone always assumes we are) so it’s not over concern of my little girl being lonely or not having that bond as I know she could have with our wider family, but seeing her interact with the other older children in the family and how gentle she is with the babies around us I think she would genuinely love a sibling. And although perhaps a bit young, at this stage she is just not one who likes her own company at all.
The age gap conundrum plays on my mind. As it stands whatever happened now there would already be at least a 3 year age gap, but I’m not sure I’m quite ready yet after the last experience, and at over 2 she still doesn’t sleep through the night. I feel like the clock is ticking inside me though as I think in my mind once she’s 4/5 I won’t want to go back and start again. It’s definitely a difficult one!
On the nosy questions topic, I’ve never minded anyone saying do you think you will have another and always answered honestly, it’s when it becomes ‘when will you, you should’ etc that it’s irks me x
Really great post, and so lovely to hear from so many commenters who are 1 child families. We had always planned 2 but I had PND with our first and the thought of going through a horrendous labour and dreadful first 6 months again absolutely terrified me. I remember being in tears begging my husband not to make me go through it again (he’s an only child and felt strongly about having 2, despite having a happy childhood with lots of cousins). He of course said it was fine to just have 1, and promised he’d stay with me whatever I wanted (not that he’d ever leave me but my PND addled brain was crazy and thought he’d leave me if I refused to have another which of course is ridiculous looking back!) Fast forward a year and we’re trying for another. I’m much more relaxed this time as I’d be happy with 1 or 2, but I would like to try the newborn days again and hopefully enjoy them this time. I think fate will tell us if we’re destined to be a 1 or 2 child family.
We are a family of three, our son is now 8 years old. We are complete, we are happy, it was a conscious decision that was/is right for us. We have SO much fun together. My son sometimes makes us promise he won’t get a sibling …. usually when we leave the chaos of visiting many cousins behind us! As we’ve told my son from day 1 ‘God gave us perfection the first time.’ He is loved, we are all blessed. 3 is our happy number. It works for us, not for everyone. At the end of the day it is personal choice.
I am an only child and had a wonderful childhood. I am happily married and now have a daughter of my own. My parents are among my closest friends, and they moved to be closer to me–and now live down the street. I never wished I had siblings–I had great friends and cousins. So there is no wrong answer–other than doing something simply because others have pressured you to do it .