What do you do with your Threenager when he/she is fractious, over tired, overwhelmed, not coping with learning all the new things all the time and is generally in a bit of a grump because sometimes, being a toddler is hard bloody work?
I’ll tell you what I do with mine, I make him have a time out. Some time in the corner to calm down, take a deep breath, collect his thoughts. Or maybe I stop the over stimulation of TV and we sit quietly and do something else he really likes, like play dinosaurs or get out a relaxing jigsaw that we know he can easily do yet still enjoys. I might take a hold of his shoulders and look him in the eye and tell him that it’s ok, I understand that he is upset because he is tired and so why don’t we grab some milk, have a cuddle and hunker down on the sofa for a much needed snuggle and half an hours time out. Sometimes I see the meltdowns coming on from a mile off, other times they just appear out of nowhere.
But how about you? What do you do with yourself when you’re fractious, overwhelmed, not coping with learning all the new things all the time and generally, you’re a bit of a grump because being a mother is bloody hard work? With our children I think we are quick to spot the signs and try to put a stop to the meltdown before it begins but how often do we stop to consider ourselves? When was the last time you put yourself in the corner to have some time out, to collect your thoughts and to take some much needed deep breaths? When did you last let somebody take you by the shoulders and say it’s ok, take some time out, take a day off, get some rest, put your head down? I bet it’s been a bloody long time. And with ourselves, I think we’re so busy focusing on our offspring that we don’t always see the meltdowns coming until it’s 1am and you’re sitting on the edge of your bed in tears because you’re not sure how you can cope with much more of the sleepless nights, the sore boobs or those bloody awful teeth which cause hours of crying directly in to your ear.
A few weeks ago we had, yet again, another full weekend ahead of us. Living away from friends and family means we often spend weekends trying to see everyone leaving very little time for us to relax. It was my Mother in Laws birthday and I was really keen to see her because it had been weeks since I had. But I just couldn’t. I couldn’t remember the last time I just sat in the quiet, put my feet up and didn’t have to think (too much) about anything other than trying to just relax a bit.
So off Anthony went with both boys in tow. And it was just me. The dog had already been booked in at the dog sitters so i didn’t even have to think about her (which is a massive source of stress for me) it was literally just me. How very weird. And don’t take this the wrong way, I obviously adore my boys and I always get that thing of, it’s lovely to have a few hours off but I always bloody miss them and think about them constantly and wonder what they might be up to but I just felt like I was being an absolute shite Mom and they needed me to have this bit of respite as much as I needed it.
So I did some things I enjoy. I remembered what things made me feel like me for a little while, even if it was only for 36 hours or so. I did some drawing, I had a bath with one of my favourite magazines, some epic bath salts and a beautiful smelling candle. I sat on the sofa, with a blanket and watched a chick flick. I’m not generally good at ‘down time’, I’m easily bored but I realised that actually, down time is so non-existent these days that I really relished in it. And it felt SO good. I felt recharged, I got an actual nights sleep! I mean, clearly I still woke up every couple of hours because that’s why my body clock is now used to but I could just roll back over and go straight back off to sleep without having the anxiety of knowing I’d be back up again out of necessity in the next hour.
How long has it been since you took some ‘time off’? Can you remember all the little things you used to do in your down time? Do you have plans to take a day off soon and what are you going to be doing with it? I’d love to know so I can steal some of your ideas for my next day off which I must schedule in soon so as to avoid any more 1am meltdowns!
Image by Steve Gerrard
Last month I did the March Meet the Maker Instagram challenge and one of the days prompts was “relaxation”. This stopped me dead in my tracks and I was shocked to find I had to go back THREE YEARS to find an image that depicted the last time I felt truly relaxed.
It dawned on me that I don’t think I have actually experienced true relaxation since before Fern was born. Happy? Content? Fulfilled? Definitely. But never relaxed. In the scant time I’m not toddler wranging, I’m compelled to be as productive as possible so I never ever switch off. Apart from when my head hits the pillow and I’m out of it till my alarm. But that’s not relaxation. Perhaps being self-employed means that you’re NEVER not ‘on’.
You’re absolutely right though, time out for yourself is absolutely crucial (even if that doesn’t equate to true ‘relaxation’!) During the mindfulness workshops at Fern’s forest school nursery as parents we’re taught that unless we take a cup of mindfulness and love for ourselves first, it’s almost impossible to give any to our children, so I’m trying to find ways to self nurture but it’s easier said than done!
Since the start of the year, one of the ways I get some time out is attending a creative networking group which, while related to work, is true time away from home and family life (physically and mentally). It provides a real recharge and new perspective, and is so refreshing to talk to other adults about something other than being a parent. I always come away feeling completely inspired and reinvigorated, and not just professionally.
But in terms of genuine switching off from parenting AND work….. it’s hard isn’t it. I can’t imagine ever experiencing genuine relaxation again now someone else’s wellbeing is almost entirely my responsibility!!
P.s. Your Instagram stories were hilarious that weekend, Becky if I’m thinking of the same time…. “It’s soooooooo quiet” seemed to be a recurring observation 😂
That ‘talking to other adults about non baby related stuff’ is SO key isn’t it? We all love to wang on about our babes but for my sanity I love to talk about anything else, especially if it’s work related. And yes, I felt like bjork. So. Flippin. Quiet. X
I love this post – firstly because I’m constantly dealing with the toddler meltdowns at the moment and I feel a bit sheepish to say it never really occurred to me to do ‘time out’ and try to calm the situation that way. I’m definitely going to try this. Since baby 2 came along I’m guilty of relying on the tv / iPad far too much and my patience for dealing with tantrums is a lot less… this post has given me a kick up the arse to try and be better! Secondly you are so right about giving yourself time out too. I rarely do this. If I had a whole day to myself I think I would take myself off to a massage / facial, potter round the shops and actually be able to look at stuff without 2 tiny people shouting at me and just enjoy the quiet at home. Now and again my 2 year old stays overnight at my mums (but I still have the baby at home) and I so look forward to it but then when she’s gone I miss her so much but it’s still bloody lovely to have a night off from doing the mental dinner / bath / bed routine with a toddler who wants to do anything but go to sleep!! X
It’s so hard isn’t it Sarah. I am guilty of losing my cool far too often. Luckily anthony is my polar opposite and I’m learning from him. A short time out, taking deep breaths, getting himto count to ten if he starts to feel frustrated. Weird how all of the things were trying to instill in Leo are things I need to practice myself. I’m getting better… I hope.
I’m off for a facial and a massage in a few weeks with some girlfriends… get yourself booked up! X
I am loving this post today especially as next week we are off for five days in Madrid, minus the girls. I think it’s the first time I’ve been without them for more than two days so I know I’ll miss them but it is going to be sooooo good. That said I would love a day just at home doing nothing! x
Hi Lottie. Hope you have a great time in Madrid! You may well have lots of plans already when you’re there but, if not, the ME hotel in Plaza Santa Ana has the best rooftop bar for cocktails. And the whole area of Malasaña is fab for tapas bars and drinkie bars and general mooching. Toma Café has yum coffee and lush interior design! Retiro Park is also amazing and you can hire boats on the lake if it’s sunny. And then also San Miguel market which has all sorts of tasty treats and plenty of spots to stop for various different drinks. Enjoy!
You are an absolute star, thank you so much. I’ve never been before so I’m looking forward to relaxing and will definitely check out some of these places. We are going for a friends wedding but have a couple of spare days for mooching about which should be gorgeous. I’m just praying for nice weather now xxx
Sooo jealous Becky, and don’t even get me started on 5 days on peace in Madrid Lottie, amazing! Becky your dog comment made me laugh, as much as i love my pooch there is nothing better than having an empty house for a day and that definitely includes no dog begging for toast crumbs!x
Sorry Rachel! I’m not excited or anything, as you can tell!! I’ve even just started packing, super organised. It’s actually more because a child free break means perhaps I need to hit the shops tomorrow. xx
I often think about doing a dog related post Rachel. Maximum mom guilt where she’s concerned!! But she’s a good Hoover during this weaning process😉 X
Please do I would love to read this! I’m too sad for my doggy.. he was our first baby and he’s gradually been pushed down the pecking order and had his nose pushed out of joint bless him, but handles it SO well! He just sits and takes the over enthusiastic ‘cuddles’ and ‘pats’ and he loves the kids so much.. but as soon as they’re in bed he’s straight onto my lap he knows it’s his time! Wish I could fit a bit more exercise in for him though, we always do one long walk a day but I know ideally he could do with 2 #dogmumguilt xx
Oh Charlie you sound like you’re managing so well though… I love her so much and she was our number one but like yours, she’s been pushed further and further down the pecking order. Poor love. I’ll get a post planned and we can talk all about our fur babies x
Great 🙂 back to the topic in hand though.. I’ve also found any form of ‘me time’ even to wash my hair thin on the ground aka non existent since having my second 3 months ago.. made a lovely plan for one of my best girls to come up from London tomorrow for a lunch and cinema outing and.. I’ve only come down with Norovirus last night!! Sods blinking law x
Oh this is such a great post and a reminder that I desperately need some time out for myself! Since having our second three months ago, I’ve not had a day to myself. I had one booked in but then my blooming wisdom tooth got infected and instead had a day of booking dentist appointments, finding a pharmacist that had the right antibiotics in…not the refresh I was looking for!!
I have a KIT day on Tuesday for work, and while not a day off, a change is as good as a rest so I’m sure it’ll be fun.
And I definitely need to book in a spa day or something…just so no one can talk to me or touch me for a whole day!! 😂
Haha Karen! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who craves a bit of quiet! Work has really kept me sane in these sleepless times. Talking about something other than littles and generally having a laugh and some banter of an adult nature has been so good, albeit mine is mainly via virtual channels being self employed and working form home but even that has been great! I hope it goes well on Tuesday x
And we have an all important Spa Day booked very soon!
Your post is totally right though, if we aren’t chilled how do we expect the kiddos to be able to take a step back ‘hypothetically speaking’
😘😘😘 x x
My little boy is 11 weeks old and I’ve had a few occasions where I’ve had the house to myself but I just don’t seem to be able to switch off anymore. I used to be the queen of sofa slobbing/napping but now if I have a rare spare hour I find myself tearing around the house like a lunatic trying to catch up on housework.
However, it’s our wedding anniversary this weekend and he’s having his first sleepover at my sisters! Mixed feelings but we’re going shopping and for dinner and drinks and I am so looking forward to having a mooch and not rushing around. I am dreading getting into bed though and not having his little face next to me in the crib, that’s going to be hard.