If you read my story about my breastfeeding journey with Leo you will know that I well, didn’t. It was never a case of ‘I will not breastfeed my child’, I just made the decision once he arrived to go down the formula route. I have always been happy with that decision.
When I was pregnant with Tayo, I felt much more confident. I felt like I understood more about my body, about what it is to raise a baby and so I felt more open to the idea of trying to breastfeed. I’d given it some thought but not a great deal. And then my waters ruptured at 30 weeks. That in turn meant that if he didn’t make an appearance into the world of his own accord, he would be delivered no later than 36 weeks. Meaning he would be premature. Meaning he would most likely need some assistance to start with. To my surprise, one of my first thoughts on hearing that I would be having a premature baby was – I need to breastfeed him. He needs that colostrum. That ‘liquid gold’ we hear so much about.
Then again to my surprise, I was told that it would be unlikely that I would be able to as it may be the case that he would need to be tube fed for a while if he needed some assistance with saturation levels or breathing. I couldn’t quite get my head around it to be honest. A few weeks passed and I continually thought over what I would do, how I would feed him.
When he was born he was taken for the forseen assistance and I was whipped off to surgery. When I was able to speak to Anthony he told me about the various things he was hooked up to and that he had a feeding tube. He had already been given some formula in my absence and he was stable and doing well. I wasn’t quite sure where that left me to be honest but my midwives were fantastic. The girls that looked after me in recovery were a very similar age to me. I found them so personable. I was asked if I wanted to express some milk. I really had no idea what it consisted of… I was expecting a pump but they were talking about hand expressing. Something I’d not really heard of. She explained to me that actually it takes a few days for the milk to come in and initially I would only be producing very small amounts of colostrum so what we’d need to do is hand express and syringe the milk off.
Wowzer. I had no idea what I was doing but she sat there with me and taught me – when I couldn’t do it properly, she did it for me. I felt slightly like a human cow. The process was laborious but she was amazed when I was producing upwards of 10ml each time we did it. So whatever I could pump was added to the formula and put into his feeding tube. I was producing so much that she actually gave me a pump which was so much more straightforward and it meant it was easier for me to sit by his side and do it whilst staring at his beautiful face.
He came off his feeding tube and I was still expressing. The milk had started to change in colour and consistency so I knew that my ‘milk milk’ was now coming in. Once we started giving him the breastmilk from a bottle we quickly learnt that he was what the midwives called ‘a tongue sucker’. Essentially he was sucking his tongue up to the roof of his mouth making it extremely difficult to get any milk in him. I had to tease his tongue to try and get it to come down and largely, I was quite unsuccessful and had to just wait it out to find a gap where he would stop sucking and quickly get the bottle in.
I attempted to put him to the breast. The tongue issue made it very difficult. I had no idea what he was doing and he just seemed a bit confused too.
At this point I started to get extreme tension head aches (I talked a bit about this in Tayo’s birth story) and I couldn’t express anymore. I couldn’t lift my head. It was awful. The midwives had to care for Tayo when Anthony couldn’t be there. And to add to the pain of my headaches my milk had fully come in and my boobs were out of this world enormous and so so sore. I didn’t experience the pain with Leo – the gorging yes but not the pain. I was so uncomfortable and I remember hand expressing some milk to relief the pressure and I’d mentioned it to the midwife and I recall her saying ‘well be careful doing that because the more you express the longer the milk will stay’. I think she had assumed I was just going to formula feed and it caught me off guard a little.
So I continued to formula feed him with the help of the midwives and I never tried him on the breast again. We’d started to get into a little routine after our five days in hospital and so I stuck with it.
My feelings towards my ability to feed him are a bit mixed. I wonder if at that point of hand expressing to relieve some pressure, the midwife had maybe of suggested some ways in which I could get assistance with the expressing maybe I could’ve done it for longer? Could I have tried harder? I often look back and think that I could’ve done more. But then at the same time I have to remember that I was completely incapacitated at times with the tension headaches and try as I might I couldn’t move so the option for me to sit there and pump just wasn’t one. But could I have carried on when I got back home? When I felt better? If I’d have started to pump again upon getting home, could the milk have kept flowing? I’m not sure that I would’ve necessarily fed him directly because of his tongue issue. But I do wonder if I we could’ve carried on with expressing. I guess we’ll never know.
I recall having a conversation with Anthony in Tayo’s first hours and saying that I needed to feed him. I think he could sense that I felt a pressure to. A pressure from myself. But we said if all I could do was get that first colostrum to him it would be enough. If that was my focus and I could achieve that then I would’ve done a great job. And so that’s what I hark back to in days when I question wether I could’ve done it for longer than 3 days. He got the ‘best’ bits and I have to be happy that I managed at least that.
Do you ever feel like you could have done something differently in your breastfeeding journey? Were options taken away from you because of things such as tongue tie? Did you solely express? As always we want to hear all about your experiences x
Image by Carley Buick Photography.
I really wanted to breastfeed and my baby was pretty keen too (she had a very strong latch and suckle instinct). I managed to get her the colostrum but she was so hungry that she was constantly on the breast, as after losing 5 pints of blood in labour my body just couldn’t produce what she needed.
My nipples ended up so cracked and sore that I had to switch to formula which I was very emotional about and wasn’t helped by the midwife who did my first home visit.
My milk came in a few days later but my nipples took two weeks to heal so at that point I didn’t want to swap back.
I breastfed my daughter for the first five days of her life. She wasn’t really feeding properly, fussing and not latching on effectively and the pain was horrendous. I remember sitting there with tears running down my face with the agony but persevering because there was so much pressure to do it. The midwife had visited at 3 days and was concerned, and at 5 days she said we needed to give her formula because she was losing weight and dehydrated. She hadn’t slept for more than a few minutes since we’d brought her home at a day old. She drank less than an ounce of formula milk and slept for four hours on that 5th day. I was devastated that I couldn’t feed her and that I’d essentially been starving her. Years later I recognise that I needed help to establish feeding and didn’t ask for it or get it from the people around me. I don’t know why it wasn’t working but I think not feeding her quite soon after she was born when the instinct is there (she was very sleepy after birth) may have been part of it. I don’t feel that guilt anymore but I’m apprehensive about what to about feeding my second, due later this year. Thank you for posting your story, I think it’s so helpful to hear that other people have found it hard or that it doesn’t come naturally too, alongside all the positive messages that it’s really good for you and your baby x
It’s sometimes hard to ask for the help isn’t it if you don’t really know it’s there? I;m glad you don’t feel any guilt Kat because you absolutely shouldn’t. Good luck with your second… go with your gut and I don’t think you can go far wrong xx
The start of your journey sounds similar to mine. My son was whisked to NICU as soon as he was born and I was encouraged to hand express the precious colostrum for him – I had no idea what I was doing so in the end had to ask my lovely mid wife to effectively milk me so I could know what it felt like! I was soon able to go on the electric pump but my god was it disheartening – seemingly taking an age to get maybe a teaspoon of milk. I then got some great great breastfeeding support in hospital and again when we all got out and I’m still breastfeeding now, 1 year later. Sadly this service is being cut in my area and I feel awful for new mums now who need help and just won’t get it.
I had a similar experience to you. I expressed whilst my lo was tube fed for her first week in NICU and then weaned her from tube to boob once she was down graded to special care.
That first night trying to hand express I just felt so out of depth! No one had ever mentioned the possibility of that, all you see is the talk of pumps etc.
Without the wonderful breastfeeding support team in the NICU I don’t think I’d have stayed the course. I am so grateful to those ladies, thanks to them we successfully switched to breast (with a little help from some nipple shields) and she fed for 18 months.
I’m glad you go so much support Sophie – lovely positive ending for you and your little boy xx
I had a similar experience as my baby was premature and born 5lb. She was jaundiced and didn’t have a strong sucking reflex as she was weak and sleepy so they had to give her a bit of formula via a cup as her blood sugars were low. A lovely midwife also taught me how to hand express and my poor husband patiently sat with me catching what he could in a syringe. They then fed her this straight into her mouth. I was so determined to breast feed that I didn’t want her to have a bottle because of nipple confusion. We kept trying but she wouldn’t suck. Then a not so nice nurse from the high risk team basically said if I don’t give her a bottle with formula then she’ll have to go to special care and be tube fed as they needed to flush out the jaundice. So in my emotional state I agreed but I was so set on her having my milk I used the hospitals pump to express and managed to get enough so that she didn’t need to have any formula. Luckily we could go home day 2 but by day 3 o my word I was so engorged and in pain! I think from all the expressing it made it twice as bad. I had to stand over the sink and let it drain off, I was lucky I didn’t get mastitis. I continued to express and give her the bottle and by day 5 she was latching on and feeding for a few minutes. But unfortunately her weight dropped to 4lb 6 so we had to go back into hospital. The Dr’s were lovely and advised I continue and increase the feeds. This meant more pumping and my boobs were so engorged! Finally we managed to wean her off the bottles after about 2 weeks and she was fully breast feeding I was so chuffed.
However fast forward a few weeks and she was constantly choking and having lots of wind and green poos. I was leaking everywhere and my boobs were heavy and full all the time. Turns out I had an oversupply of milk (too much milk!) as a result of all the pumping and she was just getting full on the foremilk not the fatty hind milk. After getting advice from a lovely breast feeding specialist and block feeding it’s finally calmed down a month later but she’s still very fussy when she’s feeding and I’m never sure she’s had enough. Plus I have to be careful when I express. If I had my time again and I knew all the problems I would have I’m not sure I would do it again, first baby pressure was there but now I know as long as they are fed and they’re healthy it doesn’t matter.
I too still have a fussy baby when feeding at 8 Weeks… I’m not sure how much more I can take. All the specialists say it’s fine because she’s putting on weight but it’s such a stress on me. She is also super gassy which worries me that she has an intolerance…
I’m still swaying back and forth between whether I should continue or not. Wish someone could make the decision for me!
Ah Sophie. It can be such a stressful time can’t it. Go with your gut, do what you think is best for you and your baby – you are a team so you have to choose what works best for you as a unit not for either of you singularly… In my opinion x
Steph you saying about standing over the sink and letting them drain made me giggle because when I was in hospital I went to wash my hair over this bath thing they had and I literally hung there for 15 minutes letting them just drip it out! How glamorous. I didn’t even know pumping could result in an over supply… How interesting. Thanks for sharing your experience with everyone x
I breastfed my first until 8 months (when I went back to work) and I wanted to do the same with my second. Having done it once I expected feeding to be fine the second time but all babies are different and my second had a shallow latch and a seriously strong suck which left me with cracked and bleeding nipples for the first couple of weeks. I wanted to cry every time she latched on (and sometimes I did) but I thought if I could just get my nipples to toughen up and the baby to open her mouth wider we’d be ok. She’s now 3 months and I’m glad I persevered as we now have a great breastfeeding relationship. I suffered a bit with low supply as a result of her poor latch but I expressed between feeds to trick my body into thinking there was more demand which in turn increased my supply and that meant she didn’t have to try as hard to get the milk so she relaxed her suck (which was a relief). I wish there was more support for new mums particularly during the first few weeks. It can be hard and very painful but it can also get better very quickly and with a bit of support and encouragement (not pressure) a lot of problems can be overcome.
I’m a first time mum and continue to be frustrated by the lack of support and information on combination feeding. I always set out to try breastfeeding but with the plan to combi feed eventually. I had an open mind and didn’t worry about having to swap to formula if breastfeeding didn’t work for us. I had an extremely traumatic birth but was fortunate to have a great midwife who helped the baby latch within an hour of the section. What followed was 2.5 months of feeding every 1-2 hours, I was an absolute wreck. I sought support from midwives initially, the HV, la leche league etc and everyone said carry on! It will get better! Don’t give a bottle it will lead to nipple confusion! Not once was I told it would be ok to stop and I should have trusted my instinct. It was only when my mum stepped in and suggested my supply simply could not meet the hunger levels of my baby, and managed to get her to take a bottle, that life improved. For the first time ever I felt ‘engorged’ and I realised that I had only been feeding enough to tide my baby over, never to make her full. On reflection I should have started combi feeding straight away. I now still BF at 4 months, alternating each feed with a bottle of formula. The pain I still felt at 10 weeks has gone completely and I now actually enjoy BF. I went from counting down the hours to now feeling that I may BF beyond 6 months. The world has moved on and whilst breast is best nutritionally, there are options to make this work which women need to be informed about, such as exclusively bottle feeding expressed milk for example. Why do antenatal courses not include basics like prep and sterilisation of bottles?!
YES Lucy – you never hear about express feeding do you, it’s like it’s not even an option? It almost breast or formula and that’s it. I’m glad you have had a positive outcome to your journey xx
This makes me feel so much better! I am on baby 2, baby 1 was too poorly/premature and needed cup feeding. My beautiful new born daughter went to breast straight away but it’s almost like her suck is too strong. We are on day three, my boobs are like Dolly Parton’s but leak all the time and they are too destroyed to actually feed her so also trying to alternate with breast, then bottle etc. Hopefully this will he’ll train my boobs into producing the right amount because they are hurting inside and out at the minute. How did you get on with all the sterilising, does combi feeding/and using pump too not mean you are alsways wither feeding or sterilising? My other thought was just expressing three times a day to offer breast milk in a bottle so she’s not giving me more nipple blisters. Can you add breast milk to formula or do you need to feed separately? It’s so tough understanding Thanks x
Totally agree there should be more info on combination feeding, I too never knew this was an option but it made a huge difference to us. Midwives seem to worry about nipple confusion but I’ve spoken to loads of people who’ve done both with no problems, and if it helps you to bf for longer and get a well deserved break then to me that’s the best of both!
Emma I don’t see why you couldn’t mix formula and breast milk, I’d make the formula up as normal and then top up to the amount you want of breast milk. From a sterilisation point of view, I did a lot of expressing as I donated breast milk and did combination feeding and didn’t find it too bad.
I really believe that the difficulties of breastfeeding should be talked about more. There’s a stigma attached to it because it’s assumed that people wouldn’t bother trying but I think it’s worse to know less and feel guilt later.
The first weeks are so, so hard. The baby builds your supply by suckling, there’s no way around that. It takes weeks to regulate. I know so many people who want to breastfeed but know nothing about the ins and outs and end up giving up but not many of us give birth unassisted, why should breastfeeding be different?
My baby was very sleepy after the birth and I didn’t realise that I should be waking to feed regularly until the midwife arrived on day 3. He had lost so much weight but luckily she supported me and we were back on track within a few days. She could obviously see that breastfeeding was important to me but I always wonder if I had a different midwife would I have been encouraged to give formula, cutting our journey short? Also, it’s only now that I know you can relactate, even weeks down the line, and re-establish exclusive breastfeeding.
C I didn’t know about relactating!? If I;d known that was a ‘thing’ I definitely would’ve tried to express once we were home and settled. Ergh… such limited information on this WHOLE area! Thank you so much for sharing and enlightening me! x
I decided that I would exclusively express before my baby was born and did a whole lot of reading up on the best ways to do it prior to giving birth. I think quite a few health professionals found it quite confusing that I didn’t want to ‘properly’ breastfeed and so weren’t able to give me much advice at all on the best ways to do it and how I would get my baby the colostrum – so I am very grateful to google and youtube!!
I started hand expressing and pumping before my baby was born from 38 weeks so that I’d know what to do and it meant I’d built up a suprisingly large supply of colostrum in my freezer (I purchased syringes online). After a rather traumatic end to my labour my daughter ended up in intensive care and I am so glad that I’d done all my prior expressing as I was able to bring my milk in for her and I didn’t have any supply problems following the birth, which I know can be quite common following stressful labours.
I would really recommend having a go at hand expressing a bit before your baby is due (although before 38 weeks is not recommended) as it means you can learn how to do it in your own time with minimal stress. Then if you need/want to do it once your baby is born you know exactly what to do and hopefully it’ll take some on the stress away from those first few days.
We have also found that exclusively expressing works really well for us as a family as we can share the feeding and I only have to pump 4 times a day.
Lizzie this is fascinating to me… I didn’t even know you could do it pre birth but then I guess the milk is in and you leak somewhat before birth sometimes that why not! So clever and I’m loving the forward planning. I’m sure our readers will find that so helpful – great advice so thank you x
Izzie did you always do 4 pumps a day or drop some? Also what times have you gone for? I’m on 6 (started on 8) and it would be great to get down to 4 but I’m worried my supply will drop too much (currently have some extra but also waste a fair bit).
Hi Sophie,
I started with more sessions (although pre-birth I just did it once a day for 15 minutes). So when my daughter was born I was pumping about every 4 hours for 15 minutes at a time, I just pumped when she fed (my husband was on paternity leave so he would feed her). My supply was good, i think due to the expressing before, so I was able to freeze loads as had a huge over supply. After 3 weeks I dropped down to pumping every 5 hours and then at 5 weeks I dropped to around every 6 hours. I’m 2 months in now so imagine I will keep doing what I’m doing now until I start to wean her off.
I think once your supply is established it is easier to drop down, but I would just do it by gradually spacing out your sessions and doing lots of boob massage if you get engorged at all.
I use a double electric pump and have cut some holes in a couple of sports crop tops to create myself a pumping bra so I can be hands free whilst pumping – great when I have a fussy baby or want to read some blogs!!
Hope this helps, izzie x
Really helpful thanks and I second hands free pumping (I bought a couple of medela bras with holes in)!
And sorry I meant Izzie not Lizzie… x
No mum should feel guilty about how they feed their child – and it’s really upsetting and frustrating when mums DO feel guilty about stopping breastfeeding because 10 times out of 10 it’s because of a lack of support and guidance. After growing and carrying a baby for 9 months, pushing them out of your body (or having surgery to get them out), the last thing we all need is to be left alone to deal with the HUGE responsibility of making sure your new baby has enough sustenance! Because breastfeeding can be bloody hard but it’s also all mixed up in those emotional first few weeks of being a mum. No wonder the whole thing is so fraught with drama and stress.
I wish it wasn’t though. I wish all new mums got lots of support to establish breastfeeding, if that’s what they want to do, and also given all the guidance they need if it’s not working. No guilt, no stree, just positivity. In the past, this support would have been given by extended family members but we don’t live like that much anymore so we have to, as a society, replicate that. And we don’t (there’s lots of support around but you have to search it out or pay for it and it’s HARD to do that when you’ve got a little one and zero sleep).
This isn’t for the Mums who decide to formula feed and are happy with that decision – all power to them – it’s for the Mums who want to boobfeed and don’t manage to and then feel guilt and regret that this difficult process was too hard for them to figure out while exhausted and recovering from childbirth. Hello.
Just to clarify above – I’m not saying that 10 times out of 10, it’s the lack of support causing a woman to stop breastfeeding; it’s the lack of support making women feel GUILTY about stopping breastfeeding. Some women can’t and shouldn’t breastfeed for a variety of reasons – but if you’ve got the support and guidance in place to help you make an informed decision then hopefully this would erase any guilt that you might have done more/gone further if you had that information/knowledge. Err I think that makes sense.
Perfect sense Kat – thank you as always for your thoughtful comments x
Becky you did a fab job giving your boy the best start in life with colostrum in difficult circumstances. I think it’s easy to look back and wonder if you could have done more once you’re recovered from surgery forgetting what it was all actual like at the start.
My little ones were born prematurely and my son was less than 2kg. I’d always wanted to breastfeed but felt guilty that he was so small which made me determined to give my milk.
My journey started with hand expressing from 32 weeks which was guidance to twin mums (given the risk they are premature) so built up a small supply and had some inkling what to do which was helpful. However I was then discouraged from breastfeeding when they arrived as I was told it took too much energy. That’s when I started pumping and luckily my supply was sufficient so fast forward 3 months I have pretty much done so exclusively since then. I sometimes directly BF but more for comfort than for an actual feed as don’t think their latch is very good still.
Thanks so much for sharing your story Sophie and for your words of encouragement. You sound like you’re doing an incredible job! You multiple Mamas Blow. My. Mind. x
If I’ve learned anyting being a Mum, it’s that there are so many ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybe if I…’…but having had a complicated breast feeding story, and having beaten myself up for a long time about it (I still feel the need to explain it in full to anyone who will listen), I think: is he well? Are you well? Are you happy (apart from the doubt-nags)? Focus on that, and try not to let yourself be dragged away from that by the past coming back at you. And the best piece of advice I ever got: ‘will you be able to tell in their first school photo which kid had a bit of boob?’ This came from my midwife, who kindly told me (totally not adhering to guidelines, but after much support to get the breast feeding right – even texting me long into the night) ‘my son was bottle fed from 11 days old, and he’s 6ft 4inches and goes to Durham uni’.
I just want to add that I know breastfeeding support can be patchy across the country but there’s some wonderful, helpful, friendly, nonjudgmental women out there running peer support groups and breastfeeding cafes. Please Google them for your area as I’d not still be breastfeeding at 18 months if it wasn’t for them diagnosing a posterior tongue tie. If there’s not any nearby the Breastfeeding Network, http://www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk have a phone line and an online chat facility, they were incredible at helping me to restablish breastfeeding after the tongue tie was cut. And the two best pieces of advice I received were a baby’s latch doesn’t have to look exactly like the diagrams, everyone is different and try to count to 10 through the pain in the early weeks if it’s not subsided by then alter the latch as it’s a myth that a perfect latch won’t hurt.
I would totally agree about giving it time. I found breastfeeding absolutely toe curling for the first 2-3 weeks (I would cry during night feeds and count down the time until the end). I had cracked and bleeding nipples and was almost at the point of giving up as everything I had been told led me to believe that if we were doing it right it shouldn’t hurt. I now wish someone had told me beforehand that it can still hurt for a while even if you are doing it right (at least at the start). If you are a first time breastfeeder then your nipples have never experienced this before, so of course they need to get used to it!
How I got through it (and now at almost 8 weeks am happily breast feeding) is perseverance and taking it one day at a time (I would say each morning ‘i’m just going to do it for one more day’), Lansinoh, giving myself a break (mentally and physically – my husband would and still does do one or two bottle feeds, either with expressed milk or formula which helped my nipples heal a bit! – and we’ve had no issue with nipple confusion; in fact, several friends have said they wished they’d given a bottle sooner as their older babies now struggle to take one which makes things difficult if you want to go out and leave someone else to do the feed), talking to people who have actually done it (not just talking to professionals or watching official videos online – I got really hung up that my baby’s latch didn’t look like the diagrams but as I came to realise it all depends on the shape and size of your nipples and your baby’s mouth) and reading the brilliant ‘You’ve got it in you’ book by Emma Pickett.
Ultimately, each mum/baby’s experience is going to be different and you have to try and go with your gut about how you feed be it EBF, combo, express or formula. A healthy baby is a fed baby (and happy parents!) after all.
I have to say that I’m in awe of people who express, for any length of time. It’s a double faff – you’ve got all the bad points of formula feeding (sterilising, eugh) with all the bad points of breastfeeding (sitting with your boobs out almost non-stop, but without your beautiful baby gazing up at you). So I think you, and all the other express-ers did fabulously.
Personally, I’m anything for an easy life. I’m rubbish at staying pregnant but it turns out I found breastfeeding easy; so we did that. I approached it thinking we’d see how it goes, and it did, so that was fine. If not we’d have moved onto formula and that would have been fine too -my sister and I were formula and breast fed respectively and you really can’t tell which is which.
Hi Becky, please do not feel bad – you did wonderfully and exactly what is right for your beautiful boys x Breastfeeding is tough for most people and it’s something I think we all assume we can do simply because – we have breasts! Sadly I in particular found this isn’t always the case. I currently live with my husband in New York where our son was born 15 months ago. I wanted to give breastfeeding a go but didn’t feel any pressure to do so before he was born. I wasn’t the best at giving birth and had trouble pushing him out. (I was treated to a delightful 36 hour labour complete with 5 hours of pushing.) as a result our son was very tired from the process and his suction wasn’t strong enough to draw my milk down. When we had our first paediatrician appointment 4 days after his birth we discovered he had lost over a pound in weight and was dehydrated as my milk still hadn’t come in (even now this makes me cry when I think and write about it). The guilt was overwhelming and whilst Bran was immediately given formula I set about religiously pumping day and night until I got my milk machines up and running (it took some time before I was producing a satisfactry amount). I was determined he would have as much breast milk as I could make for him and for as long as I could given I had been unknowingly starving him for 4 days. And so began my love hate relationship with my breast pump. Every 4 hours for the next 6 months I would strap myself up to that thing to make him as much milk as possible. Even when I returned to work nearly 5 months post birth (you really do not get a great deal of May leave I the US) I was pumping at 11pm, 3am and 7am. I tried feeding him directly from the breast but was so paranoid about how much he was getting and concerned I might be starving him again I couldn’t keep it up. I started easing off once I made it to 6 months (even though in the Us thy like you to breastfeed for 12 months) and finally dried up completely at 10 months at which point I considered my job done. I’m glad Bran had the breast milk he had and wouldn’t change that, but do I look back on the experience fondly – no, I do not. The pressure to provide Bran with breast milk came from me and only me, I know that. He had supplementation formula from day 1 and I wish I hadn’t beaten myself up about that like I did at the time because it’s absolutely 100% true, fed is best x
Hi have a smillar story – my daughter was born premature at 34 weeks weighing 4lb 3oz. I felt a real obligation that I needed to feed her myself to give her a fighting chance and so managed to start expressing, with a little help to start with. Before my milk came in I did feel pressure from SCBU as they kept saying that my daughter was hungry (!!!) I carried on expressing at home using a loaned hospital grade pump (one benefit of having a baby in SCBU I guess) as my daughter never latched on. I was pumping about 8/9 times a day including in once in the early hours when hormones are at their highest. I managed to keep this up for 12 weeks but it was hard going! I felt like it was draining me of all my being – I was exhausted. As my daughter grew
I started also not being able to keep up with her demands so started to combination feed. I then made the decision to stop expressing and I felt relieved but also guilty at the same time. I was worried that I was being selfish and that formula feeding would expose her to bacteria that my milk was protecting her from. Looking back I am glad things turned out the way they did – I just don’t think I could have breastfed – it just wasn’t for me – this way was the best of both worlds despite being labour intensive and I would do it again. I wish I had more support though too because had I known that I could have started
to wean at 4 months I may have carried on longer
I just have no idea how humankind has survived this long when breastfeeding can be so darn tricky! My wee guy had a straightforward birth, was always able to latch on properly and gained weight no problem but after 4 weeks I was still in huge amounts of pain feeding him. I felt totally bruised as well as the usual cracking etc. I expressed and fed him breastmilk (pumping 8-10 times a day on the advice of the infant feeding advisor) for four weeks until I was nearly at the end of my tether (silent reflux not helping!) before he was finally diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie at 7 weeks! Two weeks later and I was finally able to feed without pain.
Looking back, I was so miserable and while I’m delighted (and amazed) to still be breastfeeding him at 16 weeks, actually what I could have done with at the time was one of the many feeding advisors or midwives to look me in the eye and tell me to stop breastfeeding and more importantly, beating myself up. The language around going from breast to bottle is awful. Nobody is “giving up” anything – it doesn’t matter how, babies just need fed and mums just need to be given advice and support in an entirely non-judgemental environment, which seems to be so very rare.