Oh my little boy. I love you so very much that sometimes it is completely overwhelming. I wish we could just melt together and I could keep you as your perfect little self forever. I even feel like that when Monster Mom rears her ugly head believe it or not, and I am forever sorry that you have met her. And that you’ve met her on more than one occasion.
Like this morning for instance. She came out, slightly out of nowhere really. I just wanted you to listen and to not open your Gruffalo jigsaw puzzle because it was time to wear those new shoes (you bought from shoe hero) and put your coat on and get out the door to nursery before you missed breakfast call. But you went ahead and did it anyway. When I asked you a second time to not open the jigsaw puzzle, your defiant two year old self appeared and told me no. I counted to three before moving you to the naughty step. Upon reaching two you squealed like you were being badly hurt. So loudly. So unnecessarily. And then there she was. Almost screaming back at you. Certainly talking to you in a way that Normal Mom would be completely ashamed of. Over a jigsaw. I felt ridiculous. Upset with myself that I’d raised my voice at you. Why couldn’t I just hold it together to explain to you why we needed to shift our butts.
We both lost our cool.
We’re both tired. You were up four times in the night. I was up at least 7. That leaves not much time for actual sleeping. And we are both unbelievably alike. Not enough sleeps makes us very grumpy indeed and it would appear we both have short fuses.
But that said, I am the adult. I am your Mom. Therefore I should be able to reason in my own head that you are two. You don’t always understand what I’m asking of you and how important it is for you to have your breakfast, and how I have to start work. You don’t get it. And that’s fine. You are two. I should be able to control my patience.
And I think I’m getting better at hiding her. She definitely comes out much less often than she used to. I am breathing. I am remembering you don’t always understand and I am sorry for those times when I expect too much from you.
I know from talking to friends that I am not the only one who has this alter ego. If only it was more a Sasha Fierce AKA Beyonce type one who burst into song and dance whenever she felt frustrated. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. Perhaps next time I feel her creeping out I’ll just burst into a rendition of Crazy In Love and strut around the house. It’s probably the most apt song I could sing, because you do make me crazy sometimes. You’re strong headed. You want to be the leader and walk down the stairs first (always!), you tell me to shut the toilet door when you use the loo, you want to put your own socks on, you want to tell me no and push those defiant boundaries. Mommy isn’t ready for you to be so independent yet, and it’s hard in these testing times where you’re trying to figure out who’s the boss. I just want to hold on to all of your innocence… I’m not quite ready for a battle with a mini version of myself.
But my little boy. I do love you so very much. Both me and Monster Mom are totally completely and utterly crazy in love with you. Promise.
Do you have a Monster Mom inside of you? How do you stop her from rearing her ugly head? Count to 10? Walk away? I’d love to know how you keep your cool when you’re being tested.
Image by Little Beanies
I would LOVE to know other people’s tips for coping with this! My daughter is 11 months old this week and already I find myself losing my cool with her. Patience is not my strongest point.. And, like you and your son, my daughter and I are very alike – independent and strong willed. Which makes me proud! Except when I am trying to clean her teeth, change her nappy or feed her. This weekend was particularly tough with tantrums thrown a lot and I shouted at my tiny baby. And she looked at me and cried. It was horrible. I felt horrible. I truly believed I was horrible! I try really hard to remember that she is a baby. She doesn’t know why I am repeatedly trying to shove a toothbrush in her mouth. Or why I so desperately want her to eat. Or why, when her teething has given her such horrible nappy rash that cleaning her hurts, that Mummy is only trying to help. I know it’s normal.. but it’s really something I want to try and get under control before the terrible two’s really kick in.. Although sometimes they feel like they’ve come early to my house! That combined with the fact that we’re still trying to acheive sleeping through the night and I’ve just started back at work means we’re a pretty tired household – and sleep deprovation is truly the worst! Good luck..
Jennifer, sleep deprivation is horrendous. Leo will be 3 in May and we still have sleepless nights… I think after such a long time you just sort of get used to it… But that doesn’t help when it comes to trying to keep your cool, because tired is just tired. Hopefully as your daughter gets a bit older you might be able to see the funny side a bit more, I like Naomi (below) often find myself cracking up at him because the whole thing just gets so silly. Hopefully you’ll get some good tips from the post from other Moms and I I think the most important thing is that you’re obviously very self aware and so you can rectify it by explaining things to your daughter once you’ve lost your cool a bit. xx
Gah! The battle to remain calm with a toddler. Ethan turned two today and in true birthday style, began a 2 hour long meltdown at nap time.
Honestly, I don’t often raise my voice, but my Mother-in-law reckons the kids need ‘tough love’ and then I wonder if I’m too soft on him. It’s hard to know what’s right. When I’m struggling, I often find myself walking away and laughing. Laughing at the absurdity of the situation and my inability to keep cool.
Laughing at the fact that this girl could withstand mountains of pressure and difficult situations before becoming a Mother… And now, a tiny person defying my request to sit down for lunch is enough to have me want to flip the tables.
I have burst out laughing on many an occasion, except now we’re at the point where he shouts ‘don’t laugh at me mommy!’ and he clearly dislikes it… But it obviously makes me howl.
Since having my little boy I seem to have become less patient… Not sure that’s the way it’s meant to happen? I was always quite a calm, laid back person but I am definitely quicker to blow these days… I can only blame it on lack of sleep! I never thought that a baby refusing to nap would wind me up so much!
I do think that stepping away and having a minute to just breathe can work wonders. I also try and put things in perspective… He won’t be this small forever, the good times definitely outweigh the bad and he isnt trying to wind me up on purpose (yet…I’m sure that time will come and that will be a whole new challenge!) x
I think your perspective is amazing. Lets allow them to be little and try and figure it all out. It’s an overwhelming world that they live in 🙂 x
I have also found Mommy Monster rearing her ugly head and I am absolutely horrified when she does!
I have a weird way of dealing with it. I read once in a magazine that you should imagine your anger as being outside your body and throw it away. So my alter ego is a blue female version of roadrunner (not a clue why!). When I feel myself getting annoyed I imagine her popping out of my body having a right tantrum and then I throw her out the window. Anyway, it kind of makes me laugh and for about 10 seconds totally takes my mind off being angry. I know it seems crazy and certifiably insane but it really works and clears my head to think logically about what’s actually going on with my toddler.
Anyway hope that helps someone and you don’t all think I’m too bonkers xxx
LOVE this Tabitha! I am definitely going to try this tactic! x
I’m reading Toddler Calm pre-emptively at the moment. It’s very enlightening. I’d recommend it.
Thanks for the recommendation 🙂
If it makes anyone feel better…my Mum was a bit of a Monster Mum and I’m SO GLAD she was because she made sure I wasn’t a complete horror! i can vividly remember how different I was on supermarket trips with my Dad (total nightmare brat, screamed whenever I wanted anything, ALWAYS got what I screamed for because my Dad was so soft) and my Mum (perfectly well behaved child as no point in screaming – mum would never give in and I’d just get in lots of trouble).
I know it feels better to be able to discipline children calmly and patiently but we are all human and raising your voice is not going to harm them.
(That’s not to say you shouldn’t try not to or that you shouldn’t feel guilty if this isn’t your way – only that they’ll have totally forgotten about it within five minutes!)
I often think it’s hard to find the balance Kate. I want him to be a good boy (and 95% of the time he really is) and he is polite and caring and all of those things and so I am strict with him. I’m strict with treats, I’m rigid with my word but I want to make sure that we still get to have loads of fun together and that he knows we can ‘play’. I think as parents, we also secretly love that he likes to challenge authority a bit too. I want him to know how can have a voice and he can challenge things if he feels there is a better way etc. It;s all about balance and it’s SUCH a learning curve! But your Mom sounds ace… As does your Dad! x
This is so true, Becky – I think that was what I appreciated about my Mum, she was very disciplined with us and we knew we had to toe the line with her but we also knew that she loved us to the moon and back. Also I think that kids respond to things in different ways – my bro was much better at being ‘reasoned’ with whereas I was a total brat at times and just needed to be told off – hah. And that’s exactly the point – parents know what work best with their own child.
I’m on countdown as I’m 34 weeks – v curious to know what kind of parent I’ll be. I’m conscious that I may need to be more of the disciplinarian because my husband is such a TOTAL pushover. 😉
Yep I definitely have this! 35 weeks pregnant and a defiant toddler mean I’ve found my temper harder to control – and then I feel DREADFUL. I try to take deep breaths and remind myself that he’s only 2.5 and is probably feeling a bit unsettled with talk of a new baby…but it’s so hard! I love him so much and I’m proud of his stubborn streak (he gets it from me!) but I find it hard to be the grown up sometimes 🙂 Tips gratefully received!
I was in two minds whether to comment as at some point soon I may need to start hiding my identity online (how will I cope?).
However this is something that does worry me for the future. I can completely agree that it happens with everyone, we’re only human, and I’m sure it does little harm in the long run… but when my little one does arrive, they may possibly have already suffered trauma, loss, neglect, violence, anger or fear… or god forbid, all of those things.
I can’t get angry. Pure and simple. Is that even possible?
How will I cope??
It’s a genuine worry, but thankfully I already know there is a lot of support out there. Preparation on what to expect and how to manage, understanding triggers, getting training based around therapeutic parenting, a support network to turn to; I feel so lucky to have that!
I guess only time will tell on how I keep Monster Mum at bay… Tabitha I love your idea of throwing Road Runner out of the window!! xxx
Karen, I think there is a difference between a loss of patience and anger.
I think you can tell the difference. If I feel any hint of anger, I remove myself from the situation as fear is not something I want my son to experience from me; sternness yes, but not fear. I will never allow myself to react as a result of anger. I think the monster mom thing is a boiling point bought on by frustration, not anger. I will never tell him to shut up, I will never be nasty to him I’m not sure that’s possible when you love something so much. But I do lose patience and I might be quick to act and strop at him… But I am never angry at him.
You will see the difference in the two things once your little one arrives in your home and you will be amazing x
Oh God, absolutely yes… and that’s me not choosing my words properly. Frustration and not anger! I feel like I’ve upset you by saying that, sorry my love. For me, and I’m probably alone in this thread – my worry is based around needing the additional sensitivity of parenting a child who’s suffered early trauma. In no way did I mean it to sound like it could relate to anyone here, especially not your relationship. xxx
Oh gosh no not at all! I just wanted to reassure you that you won’t be angry 🙂 Maybe I just tried to stress it too much!
You sound like you’re preparing yourself perfectly for motherhood Xxx
I have a sign up by the door that’s says ‘blessed to be stressed’ it’s normally where monster MUM rears her ugly head and is a great sanity check for me!!
(Btw? Why the MoM? I thought we were a UK blog? :0)
I think it’s a Midlands (Birmingham) thing Lisa… Always been Mommy and Mom for me 🙂
Definitely a Brummie thing! My husband is from Derbyshire and cannot stand that our boys say Mommy and Mom! I’m a Birmingham girl but have always said Mummy/Mum up until recently and now I just cannot shake the ‘O’!
Ah! Ha! You learn something new everyday 🙂
I shouted “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!” to my whinging 4.5 month old this morning after an absolutely dreadful night. And then burst in to tears from guilt and pure exhaustion. The 4 month sleep regression is beating me ?
Ah Sama bless you! But you were probably right… you probably didn’t know what he wanted… He probably doesn’t even know himself. Bet you had a good old cuddle and cry together afterwards x
This made me laugh – not at you obviously – but I remember doing this! I actually left my daughter in her cot when she was smaller for 10 minutes and just walked in to the back garden to have a moment. I knew she was perfectly safe up there and I just needed the peace. The 4 month sleep regression is a) such a well kept secret! and b) the hardest thing I have ever been through. However, at 5.5 months my daughter just changed and it was so wonderful! Good luck..
Sama. I once shouted at a 4 month old Molly in the middle of the night that I didn’t know what she wanted. I’d fed, changed, cuddled on repeat for most of the night. My husband then woke up (how can they sleep through it all!) and said ‘step away from the baby!’. I went to the landing, cried for 2 minutes and went back and carried one. It’s the only time I did it but I just needed a moment. We all have them x
Ah yes! The 3 weeks of he’ll at 4 months when I genuinely thought he was trying to destroy me!! It does go, honest. We tried moving him to his own room in his big crib which seemed to really help. Wishing you sleep! (For longer than 45 mins)
It’s 5 weeks and counting over here! It seems to be getting worse… Really hoping we turn a corner soon!
Monster mum appears daily in my house. Over a lot of things that are just plain silly. I just can’t help it no matter how hard I try. I try reasoning and then normally just loose it. I realised how often I say things to the girls as Molyl has not started repeating it back to me but in her own version. ‘Mummy, I will count to 5 and then you must get my juice’. ‘Mummy, do it now or I will get cross.’. Oops! x
Hahaha, Lottie – that is SUCH a cute image, love the idea of Molly ‘warning’ you that she will get cross.
I am getting slightly concerned by some of the comments she comes out with now. Makes me realise what I say! The other day she was calling her dolly ‘sweetie’ and saying ‘Hi lovely’ and Edd was like ‘she hasn’t got that from me’!!! x
You can never be too careful what you say around kids although those all sound quite innocuous, Lottie! My friend was driving her three year old somewhere and, in the middle of a road rage incident, said “F***!” quite loudly. Daughter immediately said “Mummy, what’s f***?” and my friend said “That’s a word people can only ever use when they’re driving, darling.”
Fast forward a couple of weeks – mummy and daughter are in the supermarket, toddler gets in a Thomas the Tank Engine and start ‘driving’ while singing “F***! F***! F***!” at the top of her voice. My friend saw it as the ultimate #mummyfail whereas I thought it was the most hilarious story ever! 😉
Kate, Molly’s latest was we have just returned home and she immediately wanted to put her new ballerina dress on that daddy bought her (think huge big pink frothy number). I told her to keep her tights on as it was cold. She told me I was making her very cross. When I asked why she replied ‘Because these tights do NOT go with my ballerina dress’!!!!!!! x