Having a newborn is tough, we all know that. It’s even tougher when you find yourself in a new area and with non of your usual support network. Reader Lindsay is about to embark on that adventure and is wondering if moving to a new area after having a child is really as scary as it sounds. How hard is it moving house after having children, meeting new friends and integrating into your new community? I’ll hand over to Lindsay to share her story.
Hello readers,
Myself and my husband have recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary, I say celebrated, we took a day off work and got a takeaway in the evening… Romantic! The reason being all our money is being put aside for stamp duty and the spiralling costs of moving house, plus I’m five and a half months pregnant.
I thought by now we’d have upped and left our London flat in favour of a more idyllic rural family home but we we’re hesitant to move before we got pregnant in case we had trouble conceiving and needed to put our savings towards treatment. Luckily, it didn’t work out that way and I got pregnant pretty quickly once we started trying.
For the past seven years we’ve lived in Balham, South West London – wonderful for eating, drinking, socialising and increasingly popular with families. But it’s so so far my family in Yorkshire, and our friends and family in the Midlands so, we set our sights on moving to Hertfordshire, convenient commuting distance into the city for my husband and chopping a big chunk of journey time off for visiting friends and family. Except we haven’t been able to find ANY houses we like within the budget, so we’re still in London, I’m about to sign up for my local NCT classes and looking forward to the challenge of getting a buggy in and out of a lower ground floor flat!
We hopefully will move (as our flat is simply too small for a growing family) after Christmas However then we’ll have the challenge of moving to an area where we don’t know anyone and moving away from the network I’m about to create now. My husband will be at work and I’ll be caring for a small baby and I can’t help but wonder how easy it is to meet new mummy friends and integrate into the community? I’m hoping some of you have experienced this first-hand and can share your success stories….or things to watch out for?
Thanks in advance!
Did anyone move area after they’d established themselves in a network of mamas? Are you still in touch with the groups you joined when you were pregnant or when your littles were tiny? How did you find joining new classes and groups?
Image from a recent home tour on Rock My Style.
My advice would be to be forward with people at groups, something I didn’t do. Whilst I lived near hubbys family, I moved away from mine and after uni my friends scattered all over the uk. I have friends here now but they either didn’t have children or had older children and we’re back at work. We couldn’t get booked on a local nct class and It took me a while to start going to different groups but I did in the end. There were lots of women the same as me, I chatted to some a couple of weeks in a row, but instead of being pro active and suggesting a coffee, I didn’t and neither did they, I think we were both being too british and polite! By the time i got my confidence up to really start talking to people I was heading back to work.
So yes my advice is be a bit bolshy, explain your situation and ask if there are other groups that they go to or just ask if they fancy getting together for a walk at nap time or a play date or whatever. I think you would find other women who are also feeling a bit on their own, even if they are from the area.
You just have to be brave – people are very friendly once you make the first move. Hertfordshire is so close to London (we moved out a couple of years ago), you will very quickly find like minded people to hang out with, many of who have made a similar move.
Most villages have playgroups that only cost a couple of quid and it is also worth thinking about spending some money on an organised class, as this speeds things up a bit and takes the pressure off.
I loved London, but there is something wonderful about having a larger garden and lots of walks right on your door step.
One of my NCT group moved (about 2 hour drive away from our homes in S London) when our babies were not yet 1 – nearly 3 years later we still speak via text a couple of times a week and see each other every couple of months despite the distance. Just to reassure you!
If you move to a new area, local playgroups can be great for chatting (village hall type ones rather than big soft play) as the children are totally contained so you can actually hold a conversation, ha! Also Children’s Centres often do ‘Stay and Play’ sessions and in my area the NCT run a local coffee morning.
I think there are lots of opportunities but like Claire said you might need to be brave and step out of your comfort zone to initiate contact! Lots of luck x
I did almost the exact same move (Streatham to Hertfordshire) two years ago when I was 4 months pregnant, for the same reasons (jobs in London, wanted to be closer to family in Midlands). Try not to worry too much above not moving until after the baby is born – I hardly met anyone at all in my new town before my son was born but once he was a couple of months old I started going to groups with him and I now know lots of other mums. It helps that my husband and I go to church so we made a lot of friends through there, but I have friends I have met through various different ways.
I did do NCT but I only see a couple of the other mums regularly, most of my friends are people I met throughout maternity leave at groups or organised events that I saw on Facebook and went along to. I found the ones which were basically a play group for the kids and a chance for the mums to have a coffee were much better for meeting people than the more structured baby-focused ones (although they were fun too). I’m naturally quite reserved so if I got on with someone it was hard to act out of character and ask people if they wanted to go for a coffee, but I found that most other mums were in the same situation and were happy to make new friends! Also use social media to your advantage – my town has a ‘mummies’ Facebook group where people post loads of stuff about events going on in the town.
I’m due my second in early Feb and I know Hertfordshire is a big county but if you end up in East Herts (I’m on Herts/Essex border) then feel free to get in touch – I’m always glad to make new friends. (Genuine offer btw!).
I went to NCT classes in Brighton before moving away. Made such a good group of girl friends that I saw lots before and after the baby was born. We started a what’s app group and although I’m not there it’s great to keep in touch with them all. It’s nice to have friends with babies the same age. You’ll be able to do the same. The great thing for you is you’re not too far to visit / catch up with your group in London.
My advice would be just the same as the other readers. Get to groups and make conversation… Feels awkward at first!
I’m starting an outdoor boot camp next week where buggies are welcome! Perfect for runners ?
I know how you feel, I left London for Birmingham 4 weeks ago and I’m currently 37 weeks pregnant…. Integration with new Moma’s is my key plan as my friends are not really having babies close by yet…
I have completed my nct here so that was really worth while, where the classes were held has lots of baby groups including baby massage, yoga and breast feeding support groups. I’d start joining local parenting Facebook pages in the area you want to be in and you can find out what’s going on from there very easily… Good luck in the move- at least your not doing it when your pregnant, that was very tiring!
I just had a baby 6wks ago and this time I had no opportunity to meet new mum friends as I was ill the whole pregnancy, working full-time and busy with my toddler. I’m pretty shy but have met a few people at classes and playgroups already, am meeting one for a playdate later! A baby is a good conversation opener (even on the bus and at supermarket checkouts!) and you’ll chat to tons of ppl. Same kind of chats but sometimes you meet someone you connect with and I’d definitely recommend suggesting a coffee/playdate that first time. People are usually really open to it.
I live in south London too but my bestie is in Herts (Welwyn Garden City)and she loves it. She didn’t do NCT but has a fab network of mum friends she’s met at classes. And a gorgeous big house and garden too! X
We relocated when I was 8 months pregnant with our second baby. Moving from a flat with no community feeling we wanted to make sure we chose a house in an area which had a ‘village feel’ but without the price tag and close to a train station and motorway. We wanted somewhere where you can walk to a park, local independent shops – we’ve got 2 so it kind of ticked the box, pre-school/nursery. We knew if we picked an area that had this it ‘should’ be family orientated and we would meet lots of lovely people. Thankfully it is and our neighbours are now some of our closet friends.
The other thing is to join groups that are about you. With my first I went to lots of baby groups and had nothing in common with other mums but continued to go along to them just to get out of the house. This time round I joined groups like buggyfit and found really good likeminded mums.
I hope the above helps. It’s really hard moving especially with the pressure of making it a family home. We literally put a pin on a map of an area which was practical for us and explored it a lot. We went with what felt right for us and kept going until we got that feeling. Good luck!! Xx
Great post RMF. Lindsay, I don’t know if your new area is covered but check out Mush.
http://www.letsmush.com/
You basically connect through the app with mums local to your area when you are free, for coffee, play dates, etc.
Wishing you lots of luck xx
I was going to recommend this app too! I’m a fellow Balham-dweller Lindsay and this app has been great; it’s like Tinder for mums (without the unsolicited willy pictures) and I’ve some fabulous people through it. Good luck!
I wouldn’t worry. You’ll be well practiced at inviting people over for play dates and arranging to meet up at groups by Christmas! I found that, particularly in London, people go back to work early anyway because they have the type of job where its harder to take a year (e.g. Partner in a firm, trader etc.) or just when enhanced maternity leave stops and you can’t make £130 pay for a three bed flat in a NAICE part of London. So I think you would have found that NCT/pre baby-Mum network shrinks anyway. Out of my group of 6 NCT-ers, two were back at work between 4-6 months. So they would be gone from your physical network anyway! Like someone else has said, my whatsapp network is more active and brilliant. That will be there when you move “out”.
In terms of meeting new people, you do have to be quite forward but everyone is in the same boat in that everyone is making new networks. The thing about London (and Herts is just an extension of North London these days!) is that there are so many groups that its harder to spot the same faces so maybe sign up for courses like swimming, yoga or sensory rather than do drop ins.
I also found that by 9-12 months I knew I would be going back to work soon and just wanted to spend as much time with my daughter before going back to work rather than have coffees with people I didn’t have THAT much in common with. They get to be so much more fun as they get older and you’ll be much more confident.
Hi Lindsay! You may have read my post a few months back about trying to make the decision as to wether or not to move away from family and friends. Long story short, Anthony was working away all week and we missed him tonnes but I feared that I wouldn’t cope too well with a new born and no support network. We decided to make the move (and I’m so happy we did) and now with just a few weeks to go until baby number two arrives, I have just about started to make connections with people, 4 months after our move.
I think Diane makes an extremely vaild point about joining some groups that are for you not just baby. I joined an evening aqua yoga class and whilst the stretching was great, the conversation was the most enjoyable part of it. Albeit we just harped on about our babies for an hour, it was still amazing to speak to other adult women face to face! I’ve made one friend there who is due a week after me so we’re hoping to keep in touch.
I have also bumped into the same people outside Leo’s nursery on several occassions and as our kids have played together as we’ve begged them to stop swinging around the bike parking station thing and we have exchanged numbers too. It really is about being bold and I have found when I have been open and honest about my situation, people have been so friendly and happy to invite us on play dates.
The other thing I have found is conveniently being out when your Amazon parcel arrives so you have to knock on the neighbours doors and don’t be afraid to strike up conversations with them. It is all about being open to opportunities and making the effort. I was hospitalised a couple of weeks ago and the lady in the bed next to me was so funny! We exchanged numbers and when the new babies arrive we are going to go to a baby group together that she has recommended.
It can be intimidating, and I feared people my age would already have strong friendship groups and not have time (or quite frankly the inclination to make the effort) to reach out to me and help me settle into my new surroundings, but there are some lovely people around.
Best of luck with everything xxx
This post could have been written by me! We had our first baby while living in a basement floor flat in SW London (make sure you go for a lighter buggy! Good for arm muscles though…) and moved out to Herts when he was 6 months old. I loved having the summer in London with the NCT group and was nervous about leaving our network of friends behind. The first few months were quite hard, we were working on the house and although everyone I met at baby classes was very friendly, we never quite got beyond the polite niceties. It did take a couple of months before I plucked up the courage to ask other mums for coffees, but once I felt more confident it all turned around, and now I feel a lot more settled and absolutely love living outside the city with a gorgeous garden and fresh air, but London not too far away at all. Lots of luck with it! xx
We moved from Brixton to Norwich when my daughter was 10 weeks old. I went to every single group going, if anything just to get out the house! Some of them were not my thing at all, but others were fab, it took a while till I found some people I really ‘clicked’ with, but I soon did. The busy playgroups and group coffee mornings tended to have mums with older babies or children, but classes like baby massage and baby cinema were really good as they mums with newer babies around my daughters age there. Now I have a much better network than I ever would have should I have stayed in London. And I really started to make a firmer group of friends through nursery and now school. I still keep in touch with my NCT group from London which is nice, and to be honest half of them no longer live in London either! Good luck! XX
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for all your superb comments! I will definitely be trying these out when we do eventually move, and some i’ll try when the baby comes along. I’d forgotten I’d downloaded Mush, looking forward to trying that out.
It’s reassuring to know that some of you have been through the post-baby house move and have had positive experiences. Sounds like it’s all about getting out of your comfort zone and making an effort.
And Tanne, if we do move to East Hertfordshire i’ll be sure to get in touch!
Thanks All,
Lindsay
I have no advice to give right now but just to say you’re not on your own. We are due to have our first child in December, and there’s a good chance we will be moving across the country in early January for hubby’s job. I’m a bit nervous about meeting new people again (we’ve only been in this village for a year, we were abroad for two and a half years before that) but I’m getting used to moving (on average) every couple of years now, making new friends and exploring a new town. One day we might settle down in one place, but while hubby is in the military we just make the best of the situation. Main thing I’ve found though is that no matter how awkward you might feel, turn up to any groups or meet ups you can – you will soon get chatting to people and before you know it you’ll be settled in and have a whole new circle of friends.
Good luck with the move x