I am so tired. Not the intense newborn oh-did-I-just-put-my-car-keys-in-the-fridge tired but a weary, exhausted worn down by a toddler tired.
Call me naive but I hadn’t anticipated that this stage would be quite so draining. It’s not as if Hector is behaving particularly naughtily at the moment nor is he being extraordinarily more difficult than most two year olds but most days feel as if I’m wading through treacle. Everything (and I mean everything!) is a battle, a series of compromises that we have to work through together to complete even the simplest of tasks.
I remember, back in my corporate days, attending a course where I learnt that a truly successful negotiation is when both parties feel like they’ve come out on top. I’m not exactly sure how Hector feels but I can definitely say that I am not winning at Life. Why is it that I need to ask him (plead with him?!) to put his coat on/change his nappy/get his shoes/stop biting his top multiple times. Why does everything need to be such hard work?
I don’t have any memories of my youngest sister being this difficult – there are eight years between us and I can soundly recollect so much of her toddler stage. From memory she was a sassy, sparky and very intelligent little girl who responded to you in an instant without any aggro or answering back. My mum however tells me otherwise…She says we all ‘had our moments‘ but equally appreciates that Hector can be especially testing.
Only yesterday I sat exasperated when he refused to eat the plainest of pasta shells sprinkled liberally with cheese (he LOVES cheese!)…
Hector: “I dun lik’it”…
Me: You haven’t even tried it.
Hector: Yucky.
Me: Please eat the pasta.
Hector: Ummmmm….No.
And so on and so forth. I mean what kid doesn’t like pasta? Answer mine…Is 4.30pm too early for a triple gin and tonic?
If I wasn’t so close to crying I’d laugh from his comic timing because he is funny. Hilarious even. It’s like sometimes he has the mental age of a 21 year old male in a 2 and a half year old body. All too often Ste and I will sit smirking behind hands or trying to stifle a giggle. I’m not sure if Hector is aware of this but I do know he loves making us laugh.
But there are days when I’m frustrated. Irritated by how difficult it can be simply getting up, dressed and breakfasted in the morning. There are days when I feel like growling at him and there have been occasions I’m ashamed to admit where I’ve shouted. And he’s cried. Like really cried. And then I feel like crummy, sh*tty mummy.
I appreciate also that this tussle of wills is simply a part of growing up, of testing boundaries, of asserting independence. Of learning that he is his own person and that he can in part exert his will. And for that I absolutely want to encourage him to find out who he is and begin his journey of standing on his own two feet albeit with teeny tiny baby steps at this stage. It’s just that I’d rather it didn’t happen prior to getting to nursery and that every once in a while he would just say ‘ok mummy’ rather than fighting me.
Eventually I ‘win’. I manage to get him dressed…usually with the promise of going somewhere exciting or on a conditional basis…i.e. no you can’t go in the garden in just your nappy, you have to get dressed first. But it’s not without an element of resistance first…which could be anything from ‘no, mummy’ to a full on tantrum. I also know the importance of standing firm, of providing those firm boundaries for him to push against so that he feels secure and develops appropriately and I more than have to strength to consistently do this. I’m just so weary of it all though.
Ste has a slightly different approach to me in that he chooses to pick his battles. He laughs at most frustrating situations which in turn relaxes Hector and makes him much more amenable to our desires and demands. I suppose it’s just different personalities…I’m definitely more ‘stressy’ than Ste but then I’m dealing with so much more of the day to day than he is. I also think that mums and dads deal with things differently too. Apologies for the mass generalisation there but I do feel that there is something in it.
So I guess this post really is just me ranting. Of hoping that perhaps some of you are going through this too? How do you deal with it? Can you share any amazing tips to help combat resistance? Have you mastered the art of negotiation with a toddler yet? Answers on a postcard or in the comments box below. I’d love to hear from you!
You’re not alone. My son has just turned 3 and he’s been exactly the same as Hector for a while. I’ve found that toddlers are like horses- they seem to sense fear/anxiety and if I’m stressed he’s extra awkward (or maybe it just feels that way)
I find trying to get as organised as possible the night before and explaining what we are going to be doing helps to get out of the house. Also never let them get hungry or tired! : 0
That’s so true, it can be like a vicious/virtuous cycle, the more rushed/harassed you are even with your best efforts they sniff it out and react accordingly….
I agree that taking pains to explain everything beforehand and being super-prepared definitely helps to facilitate those potential flash points….
Toddlers are like horses…you’ve just made me snort into my cornflakes.
But I absolutely agree, when I’m on the edge to really get out the horse or have more things on my mind then I notice he acts up more. I always prepare his bag/clothes the night before and get up earlier than he does so that at least I’m dressed and ready to go even if he isn’t. And the tired and hungry thing? My mum always used to say that to me…’you must be tired/hungry’ and it used to wind me up no end…now I’m a mum I completely understand the rationale!
Lolly you’ve hit the mark so well! My middlist is also insanely hilarious but most days I feel like am negotiating with a terrosist . I swear toddler mums should all have a supporting role in the brexit negotiations! I’m sure we’d triumph.
As for any advice… keep up with the relentless giving of boundaries it does really pay off and stop them being back chatting little tantruming tykes when they are 4 plus. My husband blows up about totally different things to me and goes from 0 to 100. Where as because I am around them all day, some things I just HAVE to let slip as otherwise I would literally be shouty mum all the time.
Just as with the newborn feeding/sleeping, there is another side and the more consistent you are now the better their future behaviour. Keep going 🙂
That’s the only think that keeps me going Lisa when Hector is really testing me…it’s much easier to resist now than when he’s 4 or worse yet 14! Bizarrely when Ste does get cross, which isn’t often, it tends to have the most effect. Hector immediately knows he’s crossed the line and backs down, says sorry and dishes out the hugs. It’s incredibly endearing and also comforting to know that he does know that there are limits. It’s just so bloody tiring in the interim!
I am having the same- since turning two a couple of weeks ago Silvia is really flexing her muscles and pushing buttons. Sometimes literally if she is messing with the oven.
I don’t have as much patience as usual post Paddy arrival either. So I’m not as distract and negotiate as usual which has resulted in monster tantrums. Last night at dinner she announced “don’t like Mummy” as I wouldn’t get her down dee the table.
Sh*t now, worth it later is my mental mantra.
It will be, right!”?!?
Ahhhh Lucy I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to negotiate and manage a newborn at the same time! It’s heartbreaking when they say they don’t like you but you know they’re your best friends moments later. And your mental mantra? Totally spot on!
I’m afraid I can’t help, but I can sympathise! My two-year old is EXACTLY the same. At least three of five days a week I have to do the early morning nursery run, and the time pressure makes me so much less patient with the negotiations! I am always soooo glad of my days ‘off’ from that job. Of course it starts up again at the other end of the day, but I usually feel more capable for it then! I kind of hope that these qualities stick though, in a way. What’s getting me through is the hope that she’ll be a teenager that won’t be pushed around by anyone! And although there are battles to do what I ask, eventually what I ask for gets done, and so incrementally she’s starting to learn some respect for me (and my stern voice!).
I think it is the time pressure thing that’s an issue Anna – things are so much more relaxed and easier when it’s a Tuesday when my mum has him. And I’m really really looking forward to the Easter break too when everything will be a bit more chilled and Ste will be around to give me a break! Praise be for the self-assured teenagers eh?!
Yep right there in the trenches with you Lolly. I try and apply the Janet Lansbury approach when things are getting particularly challenging but it takes so much effort, ALL THE TIME. And the drama! The overblown histrionics if some small element isn’t to madame’s liking 😱
Lisa the terrorist analogy is so accurate. After we’d binge-watched the whole of Breaking Bad, Phil likened reasoning with a toddler to be akin to negotiating with the volatile boss of a drug cartel. You’re choosing your words so carefully with no real idea if said overlord is going to happily comply with an amiable chuckle, or blow your brains out.
I think all we can do is keep keeping on with setting those boundaries and we’ll eventually come out the other side…. empty husks of ourselves, ashen and withered, but alive!!!
I’ve heard so much about Janet Lansbury Philippa but not yet invested in her books. This has given me the kick up the backside to order some of her books today so thanks for the nudge. Loving the Breaking Bad similes and the empty husk images – they’ve put a smile on this girl’s face today!
Just this weekend we made pasta with plain tomato sauce with peas and sweet corn all things my 2 year old loves. He wouldn’t eat it. In the end we had to mix in some baked beans, he sat on my knee, I fed him. Then I had to pick out all the beans for him to eat, then the peas, then the sweet corn and then the pasta 😕
Most of the time I give him options to make him feel like he is making all the decisions – like holding up two t shirts and asking which one he wants to wear, giving him two options of what activity we do next, we have two ways of getting to nursery and I ask him which way he wants to go. I think it’s about control for them. Of course there are a few occasions where this isn’t appropriate and at those times I usually distract him with something else, bribe him with food or just decide it’s not worth it and leave him to what he wants, like the palavar of the pasta situation above!! We also had a show hating phase a few weeks ago and after a melt down in shoe shop trying to let him choose his own shoes (didn’t work) in the end I just let him wear his slippers for a week and then I had a brainwave bought some red trainers and I told him that they were marshalls rescue shoes. And of course we do have to just say a firm no sometimes, I flirt between laughter and despair on those proper tantrum occasions!
Oh god! It’s like a intense episode of Bing’s Easy Peasy Pasta! But your idea about the ‘choices’ is brilliant idea Claire. Hector is a bit of a control freak…it has to be his way so I think the idea of options would be a good strategy for both of us! It’s just making sure that I have all the different offers prepared the night before…Will trial this out tomorrow and report back!
Good luck! It does work really well – it has saved us a lot of morning struggles!
Oh Lolly yes, every day of my life.
We’ve managed to combine hitting two, with hitting the clingy stage of the attachment process and I can tell you, it’s absolutely exhausting.
Yesterday we had screaming, snot-nose, red-faced histrionics because I wouldn’t let her play with Lee’s MacBook. That would have been fine if she went off and flung herself on the floor, but she insisted on clinging around my neck for the entire time like a small, angry monkey.
Everything is a battle, it doesn’t make it any easier that we can understand why it’s happening does it?
I notice Philippa has already mentioned Janet Lansbury, she really does have an excellent approach to respectful parenting and I’m thankful every day that Pip put me onto her. Especially when im having a tough day, i pick up her book and dip in to get a bit of perspective or guidance on what’s going on. Have a little peep at her website or her book – Elevating Childcare – and see what you think! I think she’d be right up your street Lolly xx
Oh gosh Karen! I’ve not yet experienced a tantrum whilst clinging on to my neck but I can imagine that it would be rather uncomfortable!! I think the worse we’ve had was when he decided he wanted to throw himself on the limestone floor and I was terrified he was going to do serious damage to his head. Thankfully it petered out and we had lots of cuddles afterwards. Sounds like she’s definitely attached to you and feels safe enough to let loose although that’s cold comfort when you have to experience it day in day out. Thanks for the recommendation too – off to buy Elevating Childcare right now!
She really is! Although having the clingy stage at age 2 is a challenge 🙈🙈
You’ll definitely find yourself nodding in agreement with Janet. For me, she describes so well how I would like to parent if I wasn’t so often lost in the fog of confusion! Let me know what you think xx
Following this with interest, our little girl is 15 months and feel like we are getting just a taster of the terrible twos to come – shes just discovered the word no. I’ll be bookmarking this article for pearls of wisdom I think.
Definitely not alone. I think its hard, when they communicate like they do, to forget they are just two. I say this because I was tearing my hair out yesterday (question: “now what do you say”, her response “where are my manners? *giggles* I left them at home”). Cue sniggers from the clientele at Waitrose.
I think you’re a parent, not a friend, so I don’t necessarily buy into the whole gentle parenting thing – but I do try and set some firm boundaries within which she can explore. I must utter the phrase “you choose” about 10,000 a day. You can walk or you can go on the buggy board – you choose. You can go on the buggy board and we can go to story time or you can be late – you choose. It is a lot easier now she can communicate better than “I don’t like it though” – now she can explain why – even if it makes no sense and has zero logic. Hang on in there.
I am a big advocate of her learning through her own choices. She doesn’t want her coat? Fine, we’ll take it with us and she’ll want it when she’s cold. She doesn’t want pasta for tea? Fine, she’ll not get pudding and she’ll be hungry later (when I’ll present her with said leftover pasta).
I must admit this strategy has come about mainly as a result of not having the time or energy to argue when trying to get a newborn out the house as well rather than as the result of careful study.
I hear you with the time and energy thing! I have a 5 month old too and since he came along I definitely don’t perservere with my 3 year old as much as I used to. I think they remember more if they find out for themselves -that’s what I keep telling myself. It’s such a hard stage!
Rebecca that is hilarious! I wouldn’t have been able to hold a straight face. Bless her! I’m definitely of the parent not a friend camp at least in the early part of their lives anyway. I’m definitely going to take your advice and ask him to choose a little bit more. I’m hoping that this sense of autonomy might make life a bit easier for both of us. Thanks for sharing xxx
My 3 year old son is generally pretty chilled but he does have his moments! I found the best ways of dealing with certain scenarios is, as mentioned above, restricted choice. I think it’s also about setting boundaries but also allowing them some freedom and finding that balance.
Freddie used to have tantrums on the way home from the childminder as he would want to run by himself the whole way and when that wasn’t allowed he would sit or lie down on the pavement and refuse to move (yes I’ve been that mum!). The trick was to give him a bit of trust and let him run part of the way as long as he stops where agreed and touch wood since then, no issues. They are gaining independence and can be quite articulate for their age so I think it’s also important to explain why you’re doing what you’re doing. And if all else fails distract distract distract!!
Hi Lolly, I feel your pain! My nearly 3 year old boy is really hard work at the moment. Refuses to brush his teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast and it’s so exhausting! I work 4 days a week and the one day I spend with him, I want to be perfect but its anything but. Also he plays up with me way more than anyone else. He is a little angel for Daddy (*rolls eyes*)
Yesterday he said to me ‘you’re not my mummy, you’re a dragon and you’re mean’
Katie this made me laugh. Lots. I read something somewhere about kids playing up most for the person they feel safest with. So I guess it’s a compliment of sorts…either that or whoever wrote the article is feeling sorry for us! Here’s to dragon mummies everywhere xxx
Also reading this with interest for a preview of what’s to come! My son is 14 months and we are having a few battles but because he’s not talking much yet it’s so hard to communicate. I can’t wait til summer when he doesn’t have to wear clothes! Maybe it might help to hand over as much control as possible…let him choose from two outfits, two snacks etc to help him feel he has more power and autonomy during your interactions. Not easy to do when you’re in a hurry though! Best of luck with your terrorist negotiations! xx
Ughhh can I add my empathy to this (and unfortunately very little advice!), I have twin boys about to turn three and a newborn. The twins are also potty training and are terrible eaters. It can be horrendous at times so I’m grateful to see this article and read the comments. I find I have to pick my battles and make sure I get a break (the 2 days when they are in nursery!)
Woah, I can only imagine 2 x 3 year olds! My 3 year old is in nursery too and those days with a baby seem a breeze in comparison don’t they. My 3 year old is potty trained now but uses it as a stalling tactic so he doesn’t have to do whatever it is that day that he doesn’t want to do. I never realised toddlers could be so crafty : )
Oh gosh Hayley – you have double the trouble and a newborn! My hat well and truly goes off to you. We’re not potty training yet but Hector is a horrendous eater. Battle picking and a cup of tea once I’ve dropped him off are definitely two of my tactical strategies!
I’m bookmarking this page for advice… I have a 17 month old with serious attitude, I honestly thought it started later?! And as others have said, the lack of ability to communicate just makes it worse… We have so many tears and vigorous shaking of the head it is exhausting!! Although I have no doubt that we are just at the tip of the iceberg. At the moment I just give her a bit more time before trying again (food, getting dressed, getting into the bath etc), which often seems to work, but I am starting to try to put up those boundaries where appropriate. She can be so cute though I have to remember to remain strong! I already have to offer clothing choices though, and at the weekend she sat in her buggy nodding and smiling or shaking her head and frowning at the options being displayed to her. The staff thought it was hilarious for someone so small! I knew though that if I bought something she didn’t like she just won’t wear it, not worth the hastle. Let’s see if she still likes it in a few weeks…!!
A woman who knows her own mind then Annie. Whilst frustrating now it’s going to be such asset to her in later life so try to stick with it. Re the ‘a bit more time’ I agree, this does in the main help, as does explaining why we’re doing something/where we’re going etc. That said ‘a bit more time’ isn’t always so easy when you’re trying to rush them out of the door. I’d love to hear more about your little…does she have a preference for particular styles of clothing? Colours?
Tell me about it – trying to bundle her out the door yesterday in double-quick time was not the easiest and of course she chose to refuse her vitamins just for fun…!! And the explaining definitely helps. Thanks for all the tips – I am storing them all up!
On the clothes, she seems to have inherited my dangerous gene of liking the most expensive stuff in the shop!! The fun jumper with fish and sharks on it was a no-no but the beautifully soft knitted blue and white jumper (at twice the price!) was acceptable. I don’t think there is any particular reasoning though, some things are just totally inexplicable, although bright colours are usually popular. I love how their personalities come through, even if it is infuriating at times!!
My husband and I are lawyers, so supposedly quite good at this negotiation lark, but my word our 18-month old is really testing us! I wouldn’t let him take a truck out of nursery a couple of weeks ago which resulted in him screaming and banging his head against the floor, and me restraining him and trying not to cry in front of the nursery staff. Parenting… nailed it? I’m trying to remind myself that it’s all down to frustration at not being ableb to express himself properly and experiencing new emotions for the first time, but it’s definitely much harder to cope with than I anticipated. Consistency definitely helps, I just wish it wasn’t so hard! Glad we’re not going through it alone!