When you become a parent you look at your own parents in new light. You begin to appreciate them in a completely new way, for the better or perhaps for the worse. There certainly comes a time in life when you realise that your parents aren’t perfect – they are just human beings, with strengths and weaknesses like anybody else. I think it’s probably testament to my wonderful parents that for me they only fell off the pedestal when I had Elle…
I’ve never been particularly close emotionally to my Mum, we don’t have the honest and open relationship that I’ve always longed for. There are certainly things that I can remember wanting to talk to her about as a little girl, right up to being a teenager but never felt like I could. Which in part has probably resulted in my very reserved, private personality. I hate making a fuss, I hate asking for help and I often struggle to tell people how I feel. My Mum works full time as a teacher, her working life has always defined her as a person. She’s always spent every spare minute working, and when she wasn’t working she’d be tidying, cleaning, mending – she finds it very hard to switch off. She’s just always been that way. She went back to work after three months with all four of us. And she hasn’t stopped since.
Since having Elle I just couldn’t fathom how or why she did this. Yes, I went back to work after three months, but I’m really fortunate in that I work part time, I can work flexibly AND we have the most incredible childminder just minutes around the corner. Sitting at your laptop in your PJs is a lot easier than facing a classroom full of teenagers…
I’ve always thought my Mum rushed back to work because she loved her job so much (that’s certainly why I went back to work after three months, losing myself in the pretty world of weddings was very appealing between the baby sick and dirty nappies). My sisters and I have always joked that her own kids come second to her students. But I know now – in perhaps one of the most open statements she has ever made to me – that she was scared. She didn’t really know what to do with a tiny baby, how to look after one. In an instant my Mum became just like one of my new mum friends – like a rabbit trapped in head lights with a huge responsibility suddenly placed in their arms, and I instantly forgave her for what I had assumed was coldness, but was in fact, fear.
This isn’t meant to be a sob story, I had a wonderful childhood, but if I could change one thing, it would be that I had a closer relationship with my Mum. It’s not a dig at mothers who go back to work full time either – I think it’s more than possible to have a wonderful relationship with your kids if you work. But my experience has meant I’ve taken quite a different approach to parenting than my Mum. I want Elle to remember me playing with her – lying on the floor together colouring in. Hiding under the duvet and telling stories. Making sandcastles. Dancing around her bedroom in tutus and fairy wings. I sometimes worry I’m being a little desperate ‘I’m not like a regular Mom, I’m a cool Mom…‘ and then I cringe inside and try to be a little less ‘Play with me! Play with me!‘ It sounds sad, but I just really want her to be my friend and I’m hoping the best way to encourage that is by always being there. Hopefully this will lead to an honest and open relationship for life. I want her to come to me with teenage woes about boys, I want her to be able to tell me she got really drunk last night and kind of regrets it, I want her to know she can always ring me and I’ll be there to help her, whatever the hell is going on.
And do you know what? Actually talking to my Mum about being a Mum has really helped our relationship. Last week I was really stressed. My laptop wasn’t working. The house was filthy. Some of the bigger picture things going on in our lives were coming to a head and I felt all at sea. Who was the first person I called? Yep, my Mum. And she made me feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. (And she managed to fix my laptop?! Over the phone! Honestly, Mums are superhuman. That pedestal is firmly back in place). And it made me realise that I’m still her baby really, we can still have the close relationship I’d like.
What’s your relationship like with your parents? Are you close? Is there anything you can remember your Mum doing that really made you feel as if you could tell her anything? I’d love to hear about it.
Image by Carrie Lavers Photography
Having a bit of a blub as I read this. Lots of similarities with my relationship with my Mum when we were younger but sadly I have no relationship with my parents now. This has been particularly difficult since becoming a parent myself.
I too am determined to be a very different parent to mine but there are lots of things that I will do the same too! My Mum also went back to work very soon and always worked very hard and lots of hours (also a teacher!) and whilst I don’t have lots of memories of playing with her I do have lots of memories of us all playing with my Dad and going out on lots of walks so Mum could get the housework done! Since having a baby I appreciate how hard just keeping on top of things like that whilst working full time must have been. I’ve always been very proud of my Mum for working full time and helping to provide a lovely family
Home for us to grow up in and believe that not having her around all the time helped me become a more independent person.
I went back to work when my baby was 8 months old and am working full time but using holidays to have a day a week with her for the first few months. She is really happy with her childminder- we were very fortunate that one of our closest friends became a childminder last year and had space for her! She is excited every morning when I drop her off and has never got upset at me leaving her which I guess I should be happy about but it would be nice to think I’d be missed at least a little bit!!
I’m sorry to hear you don’t have much of a relationship with your parents anymore Sophie. Definitely agree that the independence thing is a positive trait to have. And I’m really pleased your little ones loves her childminder – Elle loves hers too, but don’t worry I’m sure you’ll start to have tantrums at the drop-off stage as she gets a little older 😉
I guess at work you get results, generally you can see what needs to be done and get on and do it whereas with parenting it’s a shapeshifting constant riddle, so I can see how some get the fear and seek comfort and reassurance to the familiar work as your mum did…
As you say, Fern, becoming a parent yourself certainly refocuses your view of your own parents. I certainly appreciate mine loads more….
My Mum WAS that Mum who hid under the duvet telling stories. She’s like the pied piper, kids love her and she’s the same with her grandchildren. She’s an amazing parenting role model that I could only hope to emulate in some small way.
Her being present during our childhoods has directly influenced my own choices, I’ve taken a career break and am only now, 2.5 years on, getting back into working a bit and my word it’s bringing up some conflicting emotions as I adore my work but it’s shocked me how absorbed I can get in it and almost forget I have a toddler waking from a nap sometime soon.
At the moment though I feel I have a balance but I can see how easily that could tip into imbalance if I’m not careful… I guess like everything in life, the key to peace of mind is maintaining that balance, easier said than done though!!
Your Mum sounds like Matt’s Mum Philippa. She’s like a pied piper too, with children and animals! As always, thank you for a thoughtful comment, it’s certainly a balance that’s easily swayed x
Becoming a mother has definitely bought me closer to my mum, and we were already very close. My ‘dad’ left when I was a newborn and my mum at 22 years old moved cities to be near her own parents to get some help. She had to work, and my grandparents helped raise me. Knowing how hard it is being a first time mum I cannot imagine how she dealt with this. Luckily she met my dad when I was 4, he adopted me and they went on to have my sister. Knowing he did this at 24 (toy boy) blows my mind. The things they did and went through have only shifted into perspective since I had Noah. Unsurprisingly they are wonderful grandparents and I lean on them both for advice and help. They’re both fun and silly, and I definately mimic their parenting style. I also appreciate how lucky I am to be doing it with my husband, as a team. I see my parents as part of that team too!
Your Mum sounds like a very strong lady Anna. And I think silliness is a very important parenting skill x
I remember being jealous of my husband when he finished paternity leave and got to go back to work – at least he knew what to do for 8 hours of the day!
I had a really great relationship with my Mum. She was quite liberal with my sister and I which meant we never had to lie to her about where we were going and, because she trusted us, we never betrayed that trust. She was a single mum and she developed such a culture of honesty in our house, and I hope to replicate that with my own family. I speak to my sister and my Mum every day and I thought this was the norm until I moved to Uni and noticed people making weekly phone calls to their parents!
However, like you, we hit some rough patches when I too became a parent. The worst of times was when we started looking at nurseries for Juliet when she was four months old. My Mum just couldn’t understand why I wanted to go back to work and why I would consider putting her in a nursery. It was painful and something we still don’t agree on. For me, I spent years working on my career and having a child doesn’t mean it has to end. For my Mum, she was never career focussed and spent years not working when we were small. However, while she doesn’t necessarily agree with me, she does now understand the benefits of Juliet being in nursery since she was 9 months old, in terms of her speech and development. And we just don’t talk about it!
Despite this, me becoming a parent means we are closer as well. Yesterday was my husband’s Granddad’s funeral and it was a really sad and emotional day. When I walked out of the church crying, I saw my mum on one of the pews and I just ran to her for a hug. Even at 33 and a half, she was the only one I wanted to be with when I was so upset!
You’re right, Mum’s are awesome! And your Mum sounds pretty amazing to me. Xx
Jennifer, our mums sound very alike. My mum was also really open with us, and a single mum, and I never had the need to lie to her about anything. The only time I lied I was 16 and told her I was staying at my friends house after a party when in fact I was staying at the boys house whose party it was. I panicked at about 9pm and remember calling her from the landline and telling her I was really sorry I’d lied. She just said “Don’t worry I already knew but thanks for calling. Now go enjoy yourself”. Love her. Like you we never went out of line or did anything rebellious and I would love to be the same with my girls. It’s all about that trust and it worked for us. xx
Definitely hoping to channel some of your mums vibes ladies! x
I’m not entirely sure I could survive without my Mum. Also a teacher, she took some time out when we were born and childminded until my brother was 6 or 7. She was so good at it she’s still attending weddings of the children she looked after 30 years later.
Luckily she retired when I went back to work and travelled down to London to do 2 days a week Childcare.
We speak at least once a day and the babies FaceTime her without me realising. I often hear her voice from upstairs.
To be honest our relationship has gotten even better since I had children. She’s the only other person aside from my husband I would trust completely without some minor instruction or in the event I got hit by a bus. Without even realising I have become her. I find myself saying ‘it’s not belly it’s tummy’ and ‘we don’t say bum we say bottom’ without even realising.
Total pedestal here. And not budging.
You’re so lucky Rebecca 🙂 it sounds like you have a wonderful example and relationship! x
I had and have a super close relationship with my mum, who gave up work to be a stay-at-home-mum for me and my 3 little brothers. My Dad, who I am actually really close to now, wasn’t around much due to putting everything into work to provide for us. I don’t really remember being that close to him and definitely not having fun’ with him. He was the sort of dad who took us on amazing holidays but then didn’t want to build a sand castle or play in the sea (he instead went off and did things he found fun like water sports!).
Ultimately I think it’s been my parents divorcing 10 years ago and being a grown up that has brought us closer – he’s a much more confident dad to grown up children than he was with little children! I can tell he loves spending time with us now.
Me and my husband are expecting our first this summer and I know that he wants to be a really hands on, fun and playful Dad; which I love!
Because this is our first we probably have pretty idealistic views on how parenthood is going to be for us both… but I know that we will try our hardest to be the best we can, like I’m sure all of our parents did.
X
It’s like you have two relationships with your parents, one where you’re the child, then one where you’re both on level playing fields as adults, so interesting. Thanks for sharing your experiences Ellie. Absolutely agree all our parents were just doing their best. I think you can still have your idealistic views about parenting, you just have to be flexible and adapt them to the personality of your new baby 🙂
Such a thought provoking piece x
I’ve always been close to my parents with the usual teenage years and other rocky patches dotted about.
The key change since I became a parent has been the increase in my understanding and empathy towards them – things that I found difficult about their parenting before are now so much more understandable when I put myself in their shoes (4 young children before they were 30!).
They are incredibly fantastic grandparents and I don’t know what I would do without them. Seeing them with my children is for me, one of the brr things about having had children.
I hope I can be the kind of parents they were – not perfect but making sure above all else that my children know every day that I love them.
Always love reading your comments Fionnula, my parents had four too and we never wanted for anything and knew we were loved, even if it wasn’t said. I’ve definitely improved at putting myself in their shoes now I have Elle! To think I used to be so unhelpful in the house makes me so angry with my teenage self. And yes, I love seeing my parents with Elle too, it’s such a heart warming feeling x
I’ve got a close relationship with both my mum and my nan. My mum had me when she had just turned 21, and so that she could finish off her degree at the other side of the country, my nan quit her job and looked after me for the first two years of my life. I’m definitely closer to my nan than my sister (8 years younger) is and at times I’ve felt that my mum and sister have a much stronger bond, and I’ve felt a little on the outside. I used to go a couple of weeks without speaking to my mum (no particular reason) but now I’m a mum, we speak nearly every day and we meet up every Monday. She loves being a granny and it’s definitely strengthened our relationship. My nan is loving being a “gan-gan” too (apparently that’s what the Queen is called by George and Charlotte!)
This is lovely to hear Francesca and I can imagine your relationship with Gan-Gan is amazing. Like having two Mums now 🙂
I breathed a little sigh of relief when I read your post. I have always felt in a minority compared to my friends because I’m not close to my Mum. She was a stay at home mum mostly, but even so, I always felt like she didn’t particularly like me. (This isn’t a sob story either) as a teenager it was particularly hard work. Now that we’re due in 4 weeks time our relationship has almost instantly changed. She has started hugging me, touching the bump, knitting…I can’t quite get my hat on over it all, but am delighted. She lives a mile down the road. The year off I am planning will hopefully encourage our newly found bond even more, and for that I am so so thankful.
Big hugs Anna, everyone has their own version of motherhood and sometimes it’s hard for people to express how they feel. I really hope you have a wonderful year making memories with the new baby and your Mum xxx
Fern, it sounds like you now have a great relationship with your mum and it’s funny how being a mum yourself makes you realise these things. I’ve always been really close to my mum. Growing up it was often just us and her and over the years I have discovered how much she sacrificed for us. I could cry but instead I am in awe of how strong she was. My parents divorced when I was 3 and mum was left with basically nothing. We moved in with my nan until we got our own house a few years later. We never felt like we went without but I now know how ridiculously hard it was for my mum, financially and emotionally. Prior to having kids she’d worked at a vets which she loved but changed to fit around looking after us. She always worked but did things like teaching keep fit (she had some ace 80’s keep fit outfits!) and working in shops. She is the most amazing mum and I speak to her daily about nothing in particular. She knows everything there is to know about kids (she had four of us) and I trust her implicitly. I’ve always known she was a great mum but I now really appreciate how much she went through to give us the amazing childhood we did. It’s always that difficult balancing act so keep doing what you are doing with Elle. You are one amazing mum xxx
Lottie I really hope I get to meet your Mum one day, she really does sound awesome. And thank you for your lovely comment xxxxx
Fern, that sounds similar to the relationship I have with my mum. However she stayed at home, looking after me and siblings until I was about 15. I had a wonderful childhood, but there were and are a lot of things I didn’t and still don’t talk to her about. I always felt that she would have been happier if she had gone back to work in some capacity, sooner, but who knows! She is lovely and playful with my little one, but we are nowhere near as close as my husband is with his mum for example. In fact I would talk to her about things I wouldn’t discuss with my own mum! In a way, it has made me feel better about going back to work because from my experience it is about the relationship you create and sustain with your child, in the time available, that matters. Obviously, there’s a balance that works differently for each family – I am very lucky to have a super husband and mother-in-law who will be doing lots of childcare. My hope is that I can replicate the good bits of my childhood, but add in a much closer, more open relationship with my little one. That’s my challenge ahead!
I don’t think I could love this comment more Alex – I feel exactly the same about Matt’s Mum. Here’s to having open and honest relationships with our little ones 🙂 xxx
Fern, I really enjoyed this post and found it really interesting. I am yet to have any children of my own but wanted to comment about my own relationship with my parents. I’m ridiculously close to both my mum and my dad and always have been. They created an environment where there were boundaries but lots of freedom too and I have always spoken to them about everything, no subject is out of bounds with either, which I love. As I have got older they obviously are still my parents but we are friends too, I seek their company and spend a lot of time socially with them; they know all my friends and it isn’t odd if they pop over for a drink when the girls are over for the weekend etc. They’ve been an amazing support in every decision (good and bad!) in my life so far and I can only hope to be a fraction of the parents they are to my brother and I. Interestingly my mum went back to work full time when I was 8 months old and I had a nanny until I was 5 and then after my brother was born she was made redundant and so ended up at home and setting up her own business which meant she was around a lot more. Both my brother and I are as close so her work/non-work situation didn’t seem to affect their parenting at all. My husband and I had different upbringings (mainly to do with different cultures) but the similarity is that both sets of parents have been married for over 30 years (and, speaking for mine, have never been shy to talk about the difficult times) and have given us a really solid foundation for how we want our own marriage to be and what type of parents we want to be. xx
Thank you for commenting Sophie, I’ve taken a lot from your words. Being married for that long and having such a happy family is the dream! x
What an amazing post, Fern; thank you for being so honest. I think it’s so important to remember that families are just made of normal people and, while you usually love your family members, there’s no rule to say that you’ll always connect with them and be super close. I think it’s fascinating though how bringing kids into the mix can change your relationship with your parents.
My Mum was v keen on ensuring that I had my own career and, now that my son is here, is prepared to shoulder all of his childcare so that I can go back to work. Luckily my husband’s parents are also going to be involved so my parents will get some time off! If I’m totally honest though, my Mum is the one person who I would happily leave my bub with and not worry for a second! He also adores her because I had quite a tough birth and my mum dropped everything and lived with us for two months to help us out. My parents lived abroad at the time so my Dad was on his own most of that time – I know it was tough on them and I’ll never be able to repay them or thank them enough, I honestly don’t think I could have done it otherwise.
I have so much more respect for ALL parents since having my son. It’s such hard work and so relentless – made worse by the fact that we are all so hard on ourselves and each other! It’s v hard to know if you’re doing the right thing and the moment you feel like you’ve got a grip, everything changes. I completely empathise with your Mum’s feelings, Fern and it’s so nice hat after all these years you are now able to too. Becoming a parents makes us all re-evaluate things!
Such a good point that just because you’re family, doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get on well. Sounds like you have a super Mum too Kate! xxx
So many similarities Fern with my mum, not because she went to work but I think it was a generation thing. My parents had to wait 20 years to finally have a successful pregnancy and were in their early 40s when I arrived but while my dad was my friend and we played and laughed my mum was the parent, the one who told me off, but a parent born in the 40s so there was no closeness, no girly days or gossiping and I didn’t want to ask her the questions I had as a teenager for embarrassment. It has made me reluctant to ask for help, I don’t make a fuss and can be private even with my closest girl friends. I do feel like I missed out even though I couldn’t have asked for a better upbringing but since having Spencer two years ago (tomorrow eeekk!) we have definitely formed a closer relationship revolving around her grandson and I love asking her opinion and advice.
Ahh Happy Birthday Spencer!!! I agree about the generational thing, isn’t it mad how much parenting influences you as a person? It’s made me super aware of what I’m like with Elle and I think we don’t give parents enough credit in this country! It’s a hard job, let alone when you’re trying to manage a paid job too x
I’m really close to my family and have a great relationship with them. My dad passed away a few years ago and I was always a bit of a daddy’s girl. Overall, I think my parents have been pretty wonderful and there isn’t anything they did I would not want to reflect in my own parenting style. However, since having our little boy, I am a lot more aware of how hard the emotional side of parenting is. I can sometimes be a bit short and snappy with my mum but I’m making a very conscious effort not to be like that with her now – it would break my heart if my baby snapped at me like I sometimes have (still feeling guilty for PMS-related strops in my teenage years…). I also absolutely love seeing her interact with her grandson, they’re both completely smitten with one another!
YES Maike – I’m dreading those teenage years as I was such a horror I think karma will mean that Elle is pretty obnoxious too…!
The thing that I have learnt most since having my own child is an absolute astonishment at how my mother left my father and me and my sibling as young children. She met someone else and moved away and though we’ve always seen her and we are close now, I just find it so difficult to understand how on earth she moved away from her babies, we were aged 10-14 at that time. I could never in a million years imagine not seeing my baby for weeks on end. It also made me revisit various other feelings and memories of things she did at that time. How hard things must have been for my dad. As I said I am close to my mum but I personally can’t fathom why she made the choices she did and I can absolutely say I’d never do the same.
Fern, firstly I absolute love the way you write.
Secondly, what an emotional post for me. Unexpectedly so. My mum and I have a great relationship now and we talk often. Although this has made me realise our conversations are 99% practical life updates, not emotional.
When I was younger I didn’t have the open and honest relationship with her that you also wanted. I remember being jealous of my friends whose mums were ‘cooler’ in that way. And now I am expecting my own daughter, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to be to her.
I am conflicted though. Because even though I longed for a closer ‘friendship’ relationship with my mum, I also think she did a great job. She’s very matter of fact and not very emotional and I think that lack of pandering has stood me in good stead for the big bad world of work. Also, I was so embarrassed to talk to my mum about boys and simultaneously unable to lie to her that I practically avoided boys until uni – so perhaps that was a good unintended side effect to protect my innocence as long as possible?! Ditto I never experimented with drugs or cigarettes like most of my school friends. So somehow, it worked – and I desperately want to recreate these protective things for my baby.
But at the same time, it would break my heart for my daughter to feel the way I felt when I had to tell my mum I was having my first period, or wanted to shave my armpits, or needed to buy my first bra. Those things always made me feel so awkward and embarrassed – I remember crying when I told her I wanted to shave!! It sounds so silly, but I really think those things had a big impact on me. Or how uncomfortable I was telling her about my first serious boyfriend – and not feeling comfortable to call her when we broke up even though I just wanted someone to talk to about it (and actually she was great when I finally did tell her).
I guess I am so emotional about your article because I literally have no idea how I’m going to achieve the balance between all the great things my mum’s parenting style did for me, and fix the things where I felt so lonely. I hope the fact I am naturally more open and emotional than her might just fix them on its own, but who knows. I guess I won’t know until I try it for myself. So here we go – 10 weeks and counting until its my turn!