When it came to naming our little lady, although we spent a long time deliberating over whether she should be an Elle or an Eva, I always knew that I wanted her to have both mine and Matt’s surname. We aren’t married, and my generation of the family is predominantly female, so it was really important to me that Elle bore our family name, as well as Matt’s. It’s hard to define exactly why – does it really matter if my family name is lost with our generation, or the next?
Maybe it’s because there is a large contingency of females in our family, that being a ‘Godfrey Girl’ is a huge part of my identity and I suppose I did’t want that sense of belonging to be lost. I wanted Elle to join our girlsquad and to carry it on into the future…so double barrelled we went.
I’d always been convinced that I’d wanted to keep my own surname when I got married, and Matt has always been very keen for me to take his – one of the ‘compromises’ of Elle having my surname as well as his was that I’d drop mine when we got married. This had always irked me somewhat and I’ll be honest – I had no intention of dropping my surname EVER.
But now that she’s actually here, I don’t think it matters to me as much anymore. Having Elle really helped me to define my sense of identity and I’ve realised that for me, it isn’t about names (or labels). It’s a collection of feelings and experiences that are impossible to nail down. I don’t regret giving Elle both of our surnames at all, because ultimately, that’s who she IS – but I suppose my feelings on the subject have become a little less strong. The three of us are a family – regardless of whether Matt and I are married or not, and whether we all have the same surname or not. And I think I’d happily take his surname now (although that might have something to do with just how much I want to get married…)
The team had a good discussion about how we felt about it all and this post was actually Lorna’s idea, so here’s what she has to say on the matter…
Lorna
I don’t think Rob & I had a discussion about what surname our children would take. I think as we were merrily writing out forename choices we’d always finish them off with Shaw. I think as parents we are all conscious our childs name has a certain ring to it and doesn’t include any blunders that could cause unnecessary name calling in the play ground. I wasn’t keen on my maiden name, for this very reason, so that’s what stopped me. Plus we’d always talked about getting married and me taking Robs name.
Both the boys little name tags read “baby Jarman” in the hospital as they have to be linked to the Mother and interestingly when we spoke to our registrar who married us she told us to reapply for the boys birth certificates so my name would be my married name rather than my maiden name on their birth certificates. I haven’t actually got round to it yet and not sure I will to be honest…
And it’s not just a dilemma for those of us naughty enough to have children out of wedlock (!) as Lolly pointed out – here’s her take on things…
Lolly
Hector is a double barreller – Hector Gray Gautier-Collins to be precise and I was a double barreller from a teeny tiny dot too. My Mum and Dad didn’t marry until I was about two but they wanted me to have both of their surnames in the interim before the legalities actually took place hence my surname ‘Gautier-Ollerenshaw’. The former part is my mum’s maiden name and the latter is my Dad’s surname. Despite some people worrying that I wouldn’t have a collective sense of identity with my parents i.e all of us sharing the same last name, it never did me any harm and actually taught me to spell decently from an early age (SO MANY LETTERS!!!).
My name is a big part of my identity (how can it not be) and I was adamant even before Ste and I were engaged that I wouldn’t change it when we were married. Ste wasn’t fazed by this at all although there are some folks that find it a bit strange that I haven’t taken on his surname. Whilst pregnant with Hector we discussed at length what his surname would be. Both of us wanted him to have our surnames although I conceded that having all of my surname and Ste’s on top would be absurd so we settled for a mash-up of ‘Gautier-Collins’.
The ‘Gautier’ in particular is special for me as we have a very strong matriarchal family and I wanted my children’s names to reflect this and it was important to Ste that Hector had his family name too. There’s a legal perspective to this mash-up too; I remember reading at length from multiple sources that all sorts of extra pieces of paperwork are required if a child doesn’t share the same surname as his mother/father under the age of 16. So it was imperative that Hector’s surname incorporated a little bit of both of us. We are rather humorously now known as the “Gautier-Collins’” by friends and family now so perhaps Hector rules the roost after all…
Quadruple Barrel?!
Then Lauren C threw into the mix the question of what happens if a double barreller marries a fellow double barreller?! Do you embrace the aristocratic style name and go quadruple?!
We’d love to hear your thoughts on things – Did you take on your husbands name when you got married? What surname did you give your little one? Is it important to you that your family all shares the same name?
And finally, does any one know any real life quadrupellers?!
All the important questions today! 😉
Image by Little Beanies
I always assumed I’d change my name upon marriage (not sure why when I’m quite feminist in terms of equal rights!) so that’s what I did. When it came to naming Alexandra we gave her my maiden name as a middle name and our married name as surname. My husband andrew has his mums maiden name as a middle name so it was nice to carry that on. So almost but not quite double barrelled!
I had quite a unique maiden name and found it difficult in the run up to my wedding thinking it wouldn’t be my name much longer, but there is no way I wouldn’t have changed it OR gone double barrelled. For a start the two just wouldn’t have gone together and I knew that if we had a family I wanted us to all have the same name, something I didn’t have growing up and hated. My husband also has his mums maiden name as his middle name (coincidently it is an actual boys name anyway). It was suggested we do the same for our son, but I didn’t want to inflict that on him either! Plus tradition in my family is not having a middle name so I wanted to follow that too. Now it’s strange when someone calls me by my maiden name, funny how something so easily becomes part of you. I’ve never once signed my maiden name by mistake since getting married, but if I’m just doing my initials it always comes out as my maiden name!
I was really undecided about whether to go double barrelled or not and spent a large amount of time thinking about it, not changing anything after I got married. I love my maiden name, but then when we had Florence I didn’t want her to have a super long name as both her first and middle name are 8 letters each-although now I kind of wish I’d thought about the learning to spell aspect like Lolly! Anyway in a new parent sleep deprived state we went to register her birth and I just went with her Dad’s name for her. After this I changed my name so we all match but as a compromise I’ve kept my maiden name at work.
When I got married I never even thought about keeping my maiden name. I guess perhaps I wasn’t that attached to it as I had already had two surnames. My mum had remarried when I was 8 and she wanted us to have the same surname so my name changed then. I would have always wanted the girls to have the same name as us and as we were already married when they were born that was an easy decision. As a complete aside my friend recently got married and double barrelled her name but her husband also did the same with his. Doesn’t happen that often and I thought it was really nice xxx
I actually know 2 couples who have both changed to double barrel and I love it, my oh is not on board with it all though!
I did try and mash our names so “Jones” and “Smith” become “Smones” (that’s not our name) for the TEN years it took my husband to propose but I never dreamed of keeping my name on marriage (once he pulled his finger out) or giving my daughter a combination. My name doesn’t define me at all. Its just a name.
There are so many more important feminist issues than labels.
Happy to know there are others out there who didn’t take their husbands name when they got married. I just didn’t want to. Why should I take his name? Why should he not take mine? Not a fan of double barrelled names. But would be happy with a mash up. We already get cards and invitations addressed to the “MacSwans”. When our daughter was born For some reason it was a no brainier that she would take her dads surname. I felt no less married when we had different surnames and no less of a family now that me and my little one have different names.
When I constantly get asked “are you going to change your name”? my response is “why should I”? It’s sounds stroppy but it’s a genuine question. Possibly my little feminist stand. As Caitlin Moran says “do the guys have to do it”? that’s how you tell if something is sexist or not..
Interesting one… We got married before having a baby but I was never keen on changing my surname – my maiden surname is just better than my husbands surname! However I faced a lot of pressure from all sorts of people to do so, I’m surprised in this day and age how confused people were by the concept of not changing it! When our daughter came along there was no question that she’d have her dads name, I guess because he was pretty adamant and I didn’t mind. I didn’t think it would bother me at all having a different surname to her but it kind of did a little bit so now I’ve half heartedly started using my married name as well. Since becoming a mum though I’ve met a few other women who have kept their own name and a mixture of giving their child their name, their husbands name or double barrelling it! Each to their own I think, it’s a very cultural thing isn’t it as they do all sorts of different things in other countries! X
I feel a slight imposter as no children yet but felt the need to comment!? I had a double barrelled name as a child and hated it ( it was also different to the rest of my household as my mum remarried and that didn’t bother me at all). As I started to grow up my surname became really important to me, it is completely unique to my family, has a great story and I felt it was very important for me to continue the name. Then I got married, and was faced with a surname the exact opposite of everything I love about mine, (also with a very popular first name). So I took part of mine and part of his, as I wanted to recognise I had married. Our children will share my surname (when/if, all fingers crossed etc) Hubby did consider changing his but for someone so laid back he hasn’t yet and I’m not sure he will. Sorry for the rambling! Xx
You’re never an imposter Emma! Lots of people who comment here don’t have kiddies yet and actually this post is all about names and marriage just as much as it is about children. xx
Growing up one of 4 girls I was always adamant that I would keep my surname as there were no boys to carry on the name. Luckily, when I met my wife she was more than happy to change her surname to mine and keep hers as a middle name as she doesn’t have one.
Now we are less than two weeks away from our little munchkin arriving (come on baby, mummy is getting fed up now!) we decided that they would follow their other mummy and have her surname as one of the middle names and would have my surname as an official surname.
I’m one of four girls too Gracie and this definitely made me feel like I want to protect our name. I wish one of our surnames would have worked as a middle name, that’s such a good way round it, but neither do.
Ekkkkk hope the last couple of weeks go ok and good luck with everything 🙂 keep us posted on progress! x
I never planned on changing my name upon marriage and I always made this clear from the onset. I don’t really know why people find that strange, each to their own I say, but with a little one on the way the issue has raised itself again. We are going with dad’s name as a surname even though there are already 3 boys in the next generation to carry the name on, earlier on I just wasn’t that bothered about passing my name on. I think if we were just deciding what to do now I would push more for the double barrel but we have compromised on my name as a third name and I’m happy that it’s following on in a small way. Also the airport thing did worry us, things have changed since I was a kid with a different surname to my mum and I don’t like the idea of being interrogated while running for a plane.
This is a really massive topic for me at the moment! We don’t have any children yet and I wanted to change my name when we did IF I felt an overwhelming urge to do so. I’ve been married 3 years now and for some reason was swayed to taking on my husbands surname. I had always thought I would double barrel but both of our surnames end in ‘son’ and what with me being Vanessa, there would be an awful lot of S’s and it just didn’t sound right to me. But after 3 years of trying it on, I just haven’t really gelled with it and I am really missing being ‘me’ and having that identity that I carried with me for so long… is anyone else thinking about reverting back to their maiden name?
I think you just have to do what feels right. I’m quite a traditionalist when it comes to these things so took hubbys surname. It is a bit sad that my dad is the last Bell but cest la vie . My mum on the other hand hates it but not for the reasons you’d think… She’s a genealogist and says it is so much easier to track families when the names are done in the traditional way. She has difficulty working out who’s who with double barrelled and children with different surnames etc
I don’t have any littles (but love reading the blog anyway) and I kept my maiden name when I got married two years ago. Rob and I have been together for ten years and had moved in together after only a year, so have always felt ‘married’ anyway. I didn’t feel any different and didn’t have any great urge to change my name just because we were married and the hubby wasn’t bothered by me keeping my own name. If we have a family I would expect to give the children Rob’s surname and I think it would feel much more special to change my name upon having children and becoming a family – I really like the idea of some sort of christening/naming ceremony where we all take the same name. I don’t know of anyone else doing this but I really like the idea of it.
That’s a lovely idea Claire – I might just have to pinch that one from you 😉 Although I’m not sure I’d manage to convince Matt to take on the double barrelled name we’ve created! 🙁
I was hesitant about changing my surname before marriage as I thought it really defined me. My husband was very keen for me to take his name however and the two names didn’t ‘go’ as a double barrel. We then gave our son the same surname. I was surprised how easily I adapted to my new surname and it didn’t feel ‘weird’ for nearly as long as I’d imagined. I really like us all having the same name now and I do think it makes us share a collective identity. I know a few people where both husband, wife and children have double-barrelled, which I think is nice. I also know a triple barrel which to be honest sounds ridiculous and so pretentious.
My partner and I will be both changing our names when we get married in Feb. We decided on hyphenating our mothers’ maiden names and it’s gonna be super long and have an umlaut but I’m really looking forward to having a family name that we can pass on to our kids.
When we got married I was really keen to keep my surname but hubby wasn’t! We compromised on a double-barrelled for me but there was no way he was going to join me. Equally he made it very clear from the start that when we had children, they were to have the same as him rather than me as he didn’t want to be the only one with a ‘different’ surname to our children. I was happy with that given that it was me who was making the request not him.
We’ve since had our first baby and he has my husbands surname and my maiden name as a second middle name. We are really happy with how it’s worked out.
Really interesting reading everyone’s views.
I double barrelled when we married, my surname is part of my identity and my history so I wasn’t going to give that up. Hubby didn’t care at all and he actually suggested we double-barrel baby’s surname. It’s not the easiest of names (mine) but I like that we’ll be keeping it in the family that way – and if he hates it when he gets older, he can still always change it 🙂
I’ve really enjoyed reading everyones views too Maike!
I’m another traditionalist here and I don’t really think this has anything to do with feminism. I took my husband’s name and never gave it a second thought. My maiden name will still always be my maiden name and doesn’t make me any less a part of my family. I do know that my husband would have been completely miffed if I refused to take his surname on. Especially if I blamed it on feminism.
Now we do have a daughter and personally, I would hate to have a different surname to her. It just wouldn’t feel right. Double-Barrelled wouldn’t have worked with our surnames either but even if it had I don’t think I would have considered it.
Interesting topic though…it seems more and more women are keeping thier maiden names.
I’ve been giving this a lot of thought too, and have loved reading all the thoughts. My partner and I don’t have children yet (but hope we will at some point!) and although I always thought we’d be married before we had children (and therefore I would take his name – mine is fairly common and I’m definitely not the only Katie Gxxx even in my home town, let alone further afield), I’m not so sure this is going to be the case.
Our surnames begin with the same letter, so sound a bit odd double barrelled (we already refer to ourselves – jokingly!! – as Team GG). Additionally my surname is also a woman’s name (I often get mistakenly referred to by my surname) – and not one I like, so I’d be hesitant to give this as a middle name to my child (although I had planned to keep it as a second middle name for myself, had I got married). I wouldn’t mind giving my partner’s surname to my child, but I am now worried about the implications of not having the same surname…
I got married last year and just couldn’t adjust to the idea of dropping my name, it just feels too outdated. The hubbie was a bit annoyed, but that’s what he gets for marrying a strong willed woman lol. I’ve went double barrelled as our bump will have my hubbies name, so at least some element of our names will be the same. I love being double barrelled now I’ve gotten used to it, no-one else has the same name as me now!
I doubled barreled when I married, and our little boy will have the double barreled surname when he arrives (due in September). I’m hoping my husband will join us and take on the double name too, which is his surname followed by my maiden name but so far he is resisting strongly, which is slightly unfair when it was automatically assumed I’d change mine to his!
I don’t have any kids yet (only married last month) but found this post interesting. My middle name was given to me because my mum wanted me to have an alternative name for when I got married so I could get rid of all patronyms if I chose to. This is because she, like I, believe that women should have the choice whether or not to change their name to another family name and shouldn’t feel forced to just to please a man or his family. My mum did not change her name when she married my dad and this was largely due to her strong feminist views, views that I share. Why should a woman just automatically be expected to change her name upon the event of her marriage when in the majority of relationships it doesn’t even cross the mans mind to change his? The tradition stems from a time in history where a woman was literally given by her father to her husband, from family to family and I found the idea really uncomfortable. My husband was totally understanding which was great, he’s very modern and open minded when it comes to things like this. What we’ve done is both changed our surname to my middle name (because he feels that a family should have the same name, I didn’t have an issue with him keeping his so it was his choice). We couldn’t double barrel our surnames because I already had two and 3 names would be a bit complicated for future children so they will have our new surname because why should a child only have their fathers name when mum is the one who carries them and gives birth to them, it seems wildly old fashioned and unfair. I do respect a woman’s choice to change her name to her husbands, I just think it’s a shame that so few women don’t even consider it or question why we are still expected to follow the tradition in this day and age…
It is interesting to read what options you apparently have in England. There are quite strict rules for that in Germany. There’s no such things as triple- or quadruple-barrelling! I was very sad to say goodbye to my maiden name, but a) I had to spell it every single time, b) for that reason my husband would never have taken it. But truth be told, I am so proud to be Mrs A now. Therefore our son also has my husband’s name and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would not have agreed to having different surnames, my son and I! I like standing united as a family for everyone to see☺
We’ve recently registered our son under my partners name. Although we’ve been together a number of years and have often discussed and agreed on getting married a proposal is yet to appear!
I made it very clear to my other half before having our son that there was no way I would have a different surname to our children. I have always wanted to take his name upon marriage, one reason being that mine is common and his is unusual. But I’ve also wanted a family with the same surname and I’m really not a fan of the double barrelling (there is also the fact that both our surnames start with an M and his has thre Ms in! Anyway, after the birth of our son late May, I was so proud of the dad he became so quickly and how he took such good care of us that my love for our new family was so strong it felt right to use his name, and he did promise me that a marriage would happen!