They don’t ever tell you about the babies that don’t want to breastfeed. Oh no. I learnt this soul-destroying, heart-wrenching lesson with Hector the hard way and I’m writing all about my experience today in the hopes that it will help those of you already breastfeeding and those of you who might have your own difficult journey to come.
Like many of you reading I attended the various NCT classes and the breastfeeding lessons before giving birth and soaked up all the essential advice on how to breastfeed, about obtaining the best latch and the various positions you can assume in order to feed your baby – rugby ball hold anyone?
I was positive I was going to be the perfect earth mother, feeding my child myself and condescendingly being a touch dismissive of those mothers who claimed that they couldn’t breastfeed because they found it too hard. My own mum after all had breastfeed three girls without a spot of bother until we were at least five months old. Armed with all this precious knowledge breastfeeding was bound to be a breeze wasn’t it…how wrong I was. And how arrogant!
My labour with Hector was comparatively easy and super quick. An hour and a half from when I was first admitted to hospital and he was born, without any pain relief (not planned!) and no stitches (not sure what that says about me down there?!). By 5.30am I was eating toast and drinking camomile tea and cooing over my perfect perfect boy.
Given the lack of complications I should have been home the same day but by 4.30pm Hector still hadn’t breastfed despite numerous attempts by myself and with midwives trying to help the process along. I was asked to stay in overnight and reluctantly I agreed knowing that it was in Hector’s best interests to do so. I had entertained visions of spending our first night as three together at home in our own bed and I tearfully accepted that it was not to be.
Waving goodbye to Ste, Hector and I were moved up to the ward and I again tried to get Hector to nurse with a growing sense of anxiety and unease. Despite him passing his initial checks with flying colours I couldn’t help but wonder if his inability to latch on might be due to a tongue tie issue that may have been missed by the midwives who had checked him over. I won’t go into all the technical details here but put simply tongue tie is a condition where some babies are born with a tight piece of skin between the underside of their tongue and the floor of their mouth making it difficult to feed. Did Hector have this? Is this why he wouldn’t feed? Was I doing it all wrong? What was wrong with me?
By 3.30am I was in tears, fretful and exasperated. I’d asked eight different midwives by this point to help me feed without success whilst also urging them to check Hector’s tongue for any issues. All replied that there was absolutely nothing wrong, that he was a boy and thus lazy at breastfeeding. I confess I felt confused about some of these responses and I was alarmed at the force at which one tried to ram Hector’s mouth onto my breasts. Becoming increasingly anxious that Hector needed to feed and being only a dinky dot at 6lb 5oz, I ended up ringing the buzzer requesting to speak to a superior – a really lovely, patient woman who looked my boy over and immediately diagnosed a posterior tongue tie.
My initial response was relief that I had been right all along, anger at those who had missed Hector’s condition and also at myself for not trusting my gut. Please don’t think at this point that I’m trying to dismiss the efforts, hard work and skills of those in the midwifery profession at all – I’m not. I met some amazing women all of whom I felt very lucky to be in their care and I know that we in the UK are privileged to have the NHS at our fingertips. Those close to me know I can stridently and confidently speak my mind – pushing the issue wasn’t a problem but what about all those mums who weren’t as ‘gobby’ as me. How did they fare? What about their babies?
Once detected the midwife set about finding me a pipette to extract the vital colostrum from me to squirt into Hector’s mouth. The key she explained was to avoid any kind of nipple vs artificial teat confusion by resorting to a bottle but at least this way Hector would get that vital first milk.
And so this continued every hour – hand expressing into a pipette and then squirting this into my brand new baby’s mouth. I felt mortifyingly inadequate and the whole process incredibly artificial – I wept every single time. This was not how it was supposed to happen.
Ste leapt into action the next morning – booking a private appointment to have the tongue tie rectified since it would be a two and a half month wait on the NHS and with that we were released from hospital. Within minutes of arriving for Hector’s tongue tie appointment, it had been snipped and he was happily breastfeeding whilst fat happy tears rolled down my face and Ste smiled like his heart would burst. Naively I thought all our problems were over.
By the time we reached home Hector wanted to feed again but every single time he tried to latch on there was a problem. Something I couldn’t for the life of me work out what it was. To cut a long story short, five days, a million pipettes and tiny beakers, five midwives visits, two breastfeeding counsellors visits, one breastfeeding clinic, litres of tears, and a whole heap of split breastmilk later and we were admitted to the children’s hospital because Hector had lost 11% of his birthweight. I felt like an utter failure. I had completely let my little boy down.
It was a heartwarming talk from possibly the best doctor I’ve ever met in my life who assured me that I was not a failure, that I was a brilliant mum and that I was not to let statistics and figures dictate any measure of success or how I was ‘performing’ as a parent. Hector’s bloods showed that nothing was wrong, that he was slightly jaundiced but this would rectify itself in due course.
Enough was enough. Arriving home I dispensed a hefty portion of expressed milk into a bottle (to hell with nipple confusion at this point!) and popped it into Hector’s mouth who glugged it like a dream and from that point on put on weight steadily day by day. We may have let out a little cheer and completed a victory lap around the kitchen when a home visit from a midwife confirmed he was on the way up.
From then on for the next six weeks I expressed every day and bottle fed Hector my own milk. It was exhausting having to feed him and then express afterwards rather than going straight back to sleep. I felt like a cow in a milking parlour but persevered knowing that whilst this was not what I wanted for him, for me at least it was the next best thing. Before each session I tried to get Hector to nurse from me directly, with nipple shields and without, in all manner of positions in the hopes that he would ‘get it’. He didn’t. Well at least not for long, we’d manage about five minutes before he would come off practically choking on my milk.
I called time on expressing six weeks after he was born. I was exhausted and the electronic expressing became agonising to the point where I was wincing in anticipation before attaching the machine onto my breasts. Moving Hector onto formula milk at six weeks of age was not what I had envisioned nor wanted but it was the reality and that was that.
So what have I learned?
Firstly hindsight is a beautiful thing. Looking back I think Hector’s tongue tie and the subsequent delay in feeding made his first experience of breastfeeding incredibly difficult. His jaundice didn’t help matters either. For even the biggest, hardiest babies, breastfeeding is hard work and I wished I’d helped him along by giving him a bottle of breastmilk much MUCH earlier on to provide him with some energy to have a decent go at feeding for himself.
Secondly I think my milk flow was far too quick for his little mouth to cope with; he only moved onto number three teats (designed for three month olds) when he was 12 months and it explains why feeding with nipple shields was partially successful before he inevitably pulled away choking. If only I’d realised earlier.
Trust your gut. As a mum you really do know your new baby best. Granted you might not have the medical knowledge of those who are professionally trained but you do have an instinct for what makes your baby tick. If you don’t think something is right or you have a niggling doubt, chase it up, ask questions, push the issue. Do this until you feel completely happy that everything is ok again.
And most importantly not to judge. This was a big lesson for me. Not everyone wants to or can breastfeed and that’s ok. That’s more than ok, that’s your right. Your right as a mum to make your own decisions and not to have a condescending eyebrow raised at you or a sniffy voice telling you that you’re doing it all wrong. Everyone has their own reasons for choosing to breastfeed or to formula feed and that actually it’s none of our god damn business as to why they do so. All we can do is to be as supportive as we can, wherever we can, because being a mum to a newborn is blinking tough enough without added judgement on top.
Has my experience deterred me from trying to breastfeed next time? Absolutely not. In fact I feel even more empowered to try next time equipped with the knowledge I’ve learned thus far. Perhaps baby number two and I will crack it, perhaps not….we’ll just have to wait and see.
Thank you for sharing . We went through the exact same thing 6 months ago. Despite a week in hospital and asking about tongue tongue tie, my son’s posterier tongue tie wasn’t spotted until 3 weeks later by a breastfeeding counsellor. Midwives put it down to me not trying hard enough to breastfeed! It was an upseting and distressing time for all of us. I expressed for 2 and a half months and it was so exhausting! I really do think the NHS should make tongue tie checks part of the regular new born baby checks. And society needs to give more support to those mums who DON’T breastfeed rather than just supporting those who do.
Morning Kalpana – how distressing for you to not have the tongue tie diagnosed until three weeks after your baby was born. I have to say though I’m hearing more and more that it’s breastfeeding counsellors that are spotting the tongue ties rather than when mum and baby are in hospital. Apparently they do check for tongue tie in the newborn checks but all too often the posterior tongue ties are missed – I think it was only because this issue was raised in my NCT classes I was really aware of the problem and sensed this might be an issue with Heccy. I think if some kind of consistency was applied to NHS services across the country then this would help matters – a friend of mine for example who lives in Surrey had her baby’s tongue tie dealt with whilst she was still on the ward whereas in Birmingham you have to be referred for it to be dealt with with a waiting time of up to two months. It makes no sense to me but I guess it’s easier said than done!
Hi Lauren. Thanks for the message. Miles was actually born in Birmingham. Luckily our refer time was only 3 weeks..but it still meant Miles was 6 weeks old by the time he had the procedure!
I also have to remind myself that I DID breastfeed….as did you. Miles still had my breast milk..just from a bottle rather than my boob!
Exactly!!
A beautifully written, honest account. Well done Lauren. You sound like a brilliant mum with only your boys interests at heart.
Hope you have a great Christmas with your family xx
Thanks Kelly- a very Merry Christmas to you too xx
Hi Lolly, you’re absolutely not alone! Our experience was similar to yours right down to the hospital admission for weight loss. Aidan’s tongue tie wasn’t diagnosed till five weeks (I’m impressed with how quick off the mark you were in spotting Hector’s), and was repeatedly missed before that. Despite having it cut at 8 weeks, we are now exclusively formula feeding. I expressed most of his feeds till four months and then decided to give up. Like you I never envisaged not breastfeeding my baby – I figured that with enough information and determination anyone can do it. Giving that first formula bottle at four days old was upsetting but I was so relieved to know he was getting enough to eat. Although I’m still gutted not to have breastfed successfully, I’m coming to realise you just have to do what you can. Realistic expectations – the great lesson of motherhood… And now at five months we’re on to weaning and the great baby-led vs purees debate, which is a whole new challenge! Yay for not judging other mums 🙂 Lots of love to you and Hector. xxx
Lauren please don’t beat yourself up – I know absolutely that heartsinking feeling but also palpable relief when you give your baby a formula feed for the first time. It’s not what you want but at the end of the day you just want them to eat and grow and thrive and if that’s what you’ve got to do then you just do it. I take my hat off to you for continuing to express up to four months – you go girl!!! Have fun with the weaning – it is so much fun. Merry Christmas xxxx
Thank you, thank you thank you! Brilliant post that all future Mum’s should read. As one of those doctors who has to admit babies with their 11% weight loss I know all too well about the tears, guilt and sense of failure new Mum’s have to cope with. (Also really pleased you had a lovely paediatrician who helped and supported you!)
When I had my own children I was all set to breastfeed BUT I knew it’s not always easy; sometime Mum’s don’t have enough milk, sometimes babies just don’t know what to do….. When my eldest was born Thomas had to be admitted to NICU. For a week I had to express and he had all his milk down a feeding tube, not the greatest start to breastfeeding. I was lucky and had more milk then I knew what to do with but when it came to getting him to latch he just couldn’t. Combination of my defective nipples (!) and his mouth/jaw shape. I spent days in hospital weeping because I couldn’t get him on. Eventually a lovely neonatal nurse suggested using shields and bingo we were sorted. Your comment about knowing your own baby and trusting your gut is so important though. Everyone get telling me shields would ruin my milk supply (they really didn’t I used to have to wrap myself in a towel to stop my leaking milk ruining my entire top!). Everyone said I could only use them for a week or two max – Thomas eventually fed without shields at around 4 months and James at 3 months. I feel really lucky I got to feed both my boys till they were toddlers (eek!) but absolutely think we need to be soooooooo much more supportive to ALL Mum’s whether they want to breastfeed, bottle feed or mix up a method that works for them!
Sorry for ridiculously long rant!!
xxx
Victoria you’re absolutely not ranting at all and it’s so nice to hear from a paediatrician – I had never thought about how upsetting it must be for the doctors on the other end too! My doctor was ace and even wrote a lovely note on the letter I had to give my midwife to confirm Hector was fine (it actually made me cry all over again!) Shields were definitely a help even if it was only for five minutes at a time – had my milk flowed a little bit slower I reckon we would have cracked it but it was not to be. I’m so pleased though to hear that you were able to get both your boys feeding from you after all the battles – it’s brilliant to hear all about the success stories too!
Thank you, Lolly, for your honest account of your breastfeeding experience. I love how you remind us to not be judgmental of others, because it amazes me how many mothers are! I am less than three weeks away from my due date and am excited and nervous about how things will work out for us. It is so lovely to have the RME(mpire) community with loads of honesty and understanding! Thanks a million!
Anja I wish you bucketloads of love and excitement about your impending arrival. Honestly it’s an amazing adventure that will bring both highs and lows. Make sure you come back and tell us when your little one has been born. So excited for you!
What a refreshingly honest and moving account!
I feel very strongly that the better the support you have early on in the hospital, the more confident you feel about feeding you baby in any way.
We knew our gorgeous little girl was going to be born with a cleft lip. We were told to expect palate involvement and therefore I assumed that breastfeeding was off the cards. It broke my heart at our NCT classes during the breast feeding advice lectures and and listening to the other mums excitedly prepare for it.
Luckily for us, there was no palate involvement and after a horrific C section, I had a student midwife by my side all afternoon, working on latches (suction was a nightmare because of the gap in her lips/gums. It was all very brutal, squeezing my boob into various shapes, until we nailed the ‘burger patty’ as I called it! This meant she breastfed exclusively off my right breast and I had a giant machine to pump my left. I felt very much like you did Lolly…a cow in a milking parlour! Without the perseverance of both that wonderful midwife and my determined little girl, I would have been a mess.
I will never judge a mother for how she feeds and it angers me that some women feel they are judged. What matters is that they are healthy, happy babies with loving families. I think we are all superwomen!!
Exactly Rhiannon! All of us are superwomen! I’m so pleased to hear that you managed to get your baby to feed burger patty and all! I have to say I managed to get Hector to feed four times off me in total and every single time was amazing – I feel grateful that I managed to have that at least. Support from the word go is absolutely vital!
I think these posts are so so important and beautifully written as always Lolly. I had huge issues with breastfeeding and ended up combination feeding before switching to bottle exclusively at 8 weeks. I beat myself up so much over it in a way that i never thought i would. However now i have a very happy healthy little girl and realise that’s all that matters xx
Absolutely Mrs D – a happy and healthy baby is all that matters. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. If you’re up for it maybe try again with baby number two…
Lovely post Lolly. Breastfeeding most definitely does not come naturally to everyone. I had actually kind of expected to struggle, but I had no idea how painful it can be. I absolutely would have given up in the early days if it hadn’t been for the support I received from an amazing friend who had been through it all with her first and then gone on to feed her two other children. I have to say my midwives and health visitor were great, and I joined a Facebook group for breastfeeding mums in my area which was an invaluable resource (especially when faced with problems in the early hours of the morning). 11 months on and we’re still going, having overcome severely cracked nipples, oversupply leading to my lg choking on my milk just as you have described and a couple of bouts of mastitis. Nipple shields were my saviour and we’re still actually using them. I think the bottom line as you have said is to do whatever works for your family and not be too hard on yourself. x
Tracy I most definitely would have collapsed into a crumpled heap if it hadn’t been for my amazing mum, my husband Ste and two other friends who had given birth within two weeks of Hector being born who had EXACTLY the same problems as me. Just by having these people around me and saying ‘it’s ok’ made everything a hundred times better. Support is EVERYTHING! I’m so chuffed that you made it through the initial hurdles and are still going strong 11 months later!
Love this piece. So honest and raw. I’m currently still breastfeeding my 7 mo little girl and it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Every day since she was born I think I’ve questioned whether I made the right decision to BF, I’ve loved elements of it but like I say it’s been hard! The exclusive nature of our feeding routine wasn’t by choice, but early on she refuses to take a bottle so has fed on me for every feed until recently when she started to reluctantly take a bottle. My aim now is to swap her to formula full time for when I go back to work. If any mums have any tips on the best way to do this id be really grateful to hear them!
Hi Suzie. Getting them to take a bottle is so hard. Molly also wouldn’t take a bottle till she was 4 months. She’d just scream and I would cave and feed her instead. Once she got the hang of the bottle I had to try to get her to like formula. At first I used a tiny bit of formula mixed with my milk then slowly upped the ratios over time until it was purely formula. Good luck x
Thanks Lottie. I’d not thought of that to be honest so will give it a go. They’re stubborn little things aren’t they!xx
Love this article Lauren. My story is so similar to yours. My son wasn’t diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie until 4 weeks old and by this time I had asked countless midwives, doctors and health visitors what was wrong and why he couldn’t feed properly. I started to express after a week as, without being too graphic, a midwife looked at my nipples and told me on no account to latch him back on as they were in such a bad state.
I ended up expressing for SEVEN MONTHS – even writing this makes me feel I was a crazy woman. I still have nerve problems (no feeling as I let them get too bad and expressed too much) and cannot quite believe I let it get to that situation.
I would wholeheartedly agree that it has made me far more determined to breastfeed for the second time if we have one but I would in no way struggle like I did and be so unhappy.
Laura you are an absolute marvel in my eyes! Seven months! You are a legend! I have to say that my areola underneath my nipples is now bleached on both sides – more of a milky white than a tan brown (apologies in advance for TMI) and that was after six weeks. I dread to think what state they’d be in after seven months. You’re a superwoman!
We had countless problems with establishing feeding- a very little baby at 4lb 13 who was half starved due to undiagnosed placental insufficiency, a traumatic c-section and delay in milk coming in, a very busy ward and no support feeding until it was too late, meant that it was a recipe for disaster from word go. Mi also lost 11% of her body weight, but being so tiny, this was very worrying as she then became very lethargic without any energy to feed. We had to start with a syringe, moving to a relentless regime of breast feeding, cup feeding expressed milk, cup feeding formula then expressing for 40 minutes- every 2.5 hours (plus then all of the winding, nappy changes, settling baby to sleep and sterilizing of equipment in between)!!! I literally became a human cow, and didn’t get to enjoy or cuddle her once. Luckily she soon picked back up after an 8 day stay, but the emotional damage was already done, and however much I tried, exclusive breast feeding was a challenge too far for us both. After 6 weeks of combi feeding, we went fully formula, and I finally felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I feel new mums are given so much conflicting advice, even to the point that I had two doctors arguing across the room as to whether I should use formula or not!!!! Not very helpful when you are feeling fragile and a failure.
The best bit of advice I was given was to trust my instinct, and make decisions based on what is best for you, your baby and your family. And a Mum who is able to make that decision, whichever way they chose, is an alright Mum by me!!
x
Oh Danielle you really did go through the mill – I feel heartbroken for you! You are not a failure and I honestly think all a baby really wants is a happy mum. So if that means fully formula at six weeks then so be it. Definitely trust your instinct and you won’t go far wrong. How old is your little girl now?
Sounds to me like you did an amazing job. I always have the upmost respect for any mum who has express fed as it is double the work for just one feed!
I found it really hard first time round to breastfeed, I could not get the hang of it and found it painful. My little boy would fall asleep within seconds of latching on and then wake up within 10 minutes screaming for a feed…he was never feeding for long enough to get a full feed and so was constantly irritable (as was I!)
I think I lasted about three weeks and then hit the shops to get everything I needed to formula feed. If I’m totally honest I wish I’d persevered, bottle feeding is seriously hard work too and it added issues with trapped wind etc.
Second time around my little boy latched like a dream and took to feeding really well…some soreness and marathon feeding sessions (lots of days spent doing little other than feeding whilst entertaining a three year old with cbeebies!) but it just worked. I fed him myself until he was 13 months because it was what worked for us. It’s amazing how different each baby is and how much more confident I felt second time around, it was easier for me to ask for help for some reason.
I’m expecting baby number 3 and who knows how it will go this time round!
Feeding a baby is hard work whichever way you do it and I do hate that the media try to turn it into such a divisive subject. Just what you need when you’re feeling hormonal and tired!!!!
It’s mad isn’t it Amy how different each child is! I’m one of three and my mum said the same about me and my sisters and it’s true feeding a baby is hard work whichever way you do it. Whether it’s bottles or breast there’s pros and cons any which way. When are you due with your third?
I’m due in June so it’s still early days! We had our scan a couple of weeks ago which was lovely…very excited already!!!
Waking up and reading this has made me feel so much better. Thank you Lolly. My son Teddy is five weeks today and he too had a tongue tie. Despite it being spotted straight after birth and breast feeding successfully from the word go, it was when he had his tongue tie snipped we encountered trouble. We’d been feeding happily for a week or so and was told once the tie had been dealt with we’d go back a few days as Ted would need to learn how to feed again… He never latched on properly again. We tried and tried and after many tears and overwhelming pain I made the decision to try a bottle with my expressed milk. To my surprise, expressing came easy and I managed to express a substantial amount, however constantly expressing after feeding and a spot of mastitis later (ouch!) I made the difficult decision to turn entirely to formula. It was heart breaking knowing I wouldn’t be feeding Ted in the way I’d envisaged and that he only had the best of me for 4 weeks, but was it really the best of me? An exhausted, pained, weeping mess? Now at 5 weeks old he’s more than happy and it’s a lot easier. I still feel sad seeing other mums feeding and I do often think about it during the 3am feed and how much I miss it but we can’t change what happened unfortunately. I just think us Mums need to support each other and not put ourselves under so much pressure. Motherhood isn’t easy, but it is the most wonderful thing in the world.
I’m so glad that reading this has made you feel better Jessica – somehow it makes it all worth it. And I completely identify with the exhausted, pained weeping mess description – that was me down to a t. But I promise it does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel xx
Thank you for writing this article. I’m sure it will help lots of women out there struggling with breastfeeding. I had a similar experience (though the tongue tie was spotted and snipped on the nhs in two weeks so we were lucky there). Despite all the antenatal classes I felt so unprepared for what to do if breastfeeding doesn’t work. No one explained that it might be hard or showed me how to make up a bottle. When I was bleeding and blistered from breastfeeding one day in I was just told that her latch was strong by some hospital staff. This was of no help to a mother in tears and feeling like a failure. I was also lucky that one midwife in hospital offered formula to help feed my starving baby. No one else mentioned it and just insisted I was breast feeding correctly, there was nothing wrong with her ‘strong’ latch etc. If it wasn’t for her I would have had a breakdown I think. I did get some help from a lovely breastfeeding councilor so managed it a lot longer than i originally thought but after weight loss issues we have moved to formula and you know what I now have a very happy healthy baby. It’s only until recently that I feel that I don’t have to justify using formula. I feel really sad that I felt such pressure to breastfeed that I made myself feel a failure. Looking back I wish I had been kinder to myself and I hope other mothers are kind to themselves. Thank you again for sharing your experiences.
That’s a really valid point you raise Rebecca regarding what to do in case breastfeeding doesn’t work. I had bottles but no formula in the house simply because it hadn’t occurred to me to have any back-ups in case it didn’t work. I definitely think there’s a very blinkered approach to feeding newborns which doesn’t help or equip those who choose not to breastfeed for whatever reason. And I’m very happy to share if it means I can help others xxxx
Thanks for sharing your story Lolly, so interesting to read and I’m sure it’ll help a lot of mummy’s! I was so lucky that I was able to breastfeed without too much trouble (after the initial pain and cracked nipples – lovely!) but I think it’s really helpful for everyone to be more honest about how difficult it can be! In my 18 months as a mum I’ve found that sadly you get judged on pretty much every choice you make and sometimes there is no winning. As a mum who did breastfeed I found that people are pleased by this for about 3-4 months then the questions start creeping in about ‘when are you going to get them on a bottle’, past 6 months most people are shocked that you’re “STILL breastfeeding?!” and if you go beyond a year then you’re just plain odd!! It must be awful to feel judged for bottle feeding but if it makes anyone feel better then I think a lot of breastfeeding mums get a decent amount of judgement thrown their way too after the newborn period, so in summary we can’t really win and we should all just do what we feel is best for our babies and ignore everyone else! ? X
Couldn’t have put it better myself Sarah – god knows why we all blinking judge each other so much. There’s been times when I’ve wanted to shake some people with the comments they come out with – so insensitive and hostile! We just need to be kind to ourselves and to each other and hopefully we’ll all be in a much better place xx
I went through something very similar. I was told a very mild tongue tie at Milo’s birth and it would defo not need correcting. We struggled straight away, I was told to keep trying, he’s a boy, went to groups had nurses man handle me! After 4 weeks of getting nowhere with nhs I went to a private clinic who said he had severe posterior and anterior tongue tie. My poor boy was somehow putting on weight by feeding very little and very often due to his poorly mouth. I had mastitis, the pain was unbearable, to the point I had to hold onto something as he latched on. It took him another 4 weeks to learn how to feed again. I then had 1 whole month of loving breastfeeding before he refused one day at 13 weeks old and never went back. I literally spent the first 6 weeks of his life obsessed by feeding him, determined to the point of crazy and in the end I questioned who I was doing it for.. Me or him? I would have loved to feed him for longer and I envied mums who could and found it easy. I will try again with number 2 but let’s all give ourself be a break.. We can’t all feed even if we want to and as long as you are feeding your baby then mama and baba are happy and that’s all that really matters. Be kind to yourselves mamas x
Thank you for sharing this – I only wish I’d read something like this when I was going through the exact same thing! I feel like you’ve taken those words straight out of my head, your story mimics my journey so closely, I read it with tears streaming down my face. I hope it gives strength and confidence to other brave mamas looking for some support too.
My little one is now 10 months old and the happiest baby I know! I’m still expressing – an enormous pressure I put on myself which I wouldn’t ask of anyone else. I’m only able to continue as I have a very good sleeper so my mantra soon became ‘express when the baby sleeps’! I hope to continue until one year when I return to work.
I too have thought about another baby and what that may mean for breastfeeding – I’ll certainly feel more prepared for any problems next time. Whilst still pregnant, I naively thought breastfeeding was a choice to be made, not one that may be taken out of your hands. I certainly can’t imagine expressing with a toddler in tow too, so I’m expecting a different feeding journey next time. Fingers crossed for plan A but whatever will be, will be!
We all have our own struggles and the judgements must stop, they’re not helping anyone. The important thing is that we’re all feeding our babies and that in itself should be something to be proud of!
This saying going around social media at the moment sums it up perfectly: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”
Much love and huge respect to all of you lovely mamas and your little families x