Chasing Rainbows

Lottie Manns

A few weeks back we shared the heartbreaking story of Elle from Feathering The Empty Nest and she was overwhelmed by your support and messages. Today she is sharing the next part of her story and the decision of when to start trying to conceive after loss.

Sometimes I feel as though I might have made a rod for my own back writing about my experience of losing Teddy. Everyone knowing my inner most thoughts and feelings; and sometimes I feel as though they are watching, waiting for a happy ending to come to fruition. I guess when your baby dies you feel as though you need to do something positive to try and turn a tragedy into something we can learn from? I was so comforted in my early days of loss by reading stories of others who had lost, and survived. I felt that by writing then perhaps I might help someone too; perhaps I might reach out to that one lady who’s baby had just died and was desperately scouring the internet for a place that made her see she wasn’t alone. After all, I was her once.

When you lose a baby the mix of emotions that rush through you are intense. Shock, grief, love, anger, shame; you name it, I probably felt it in those early weeks. The disbelief that what has happened is even real; then eventually your subconscious catches up. For me as that mist cleared there was another emotion that took over, although I wouldn’t liken it to any “emotion” I had ever felt before. It was an overwhelming feeling, an instinct, that I needed to be pregnant again. My body knew that I wasn’t holding a baby in my arms; the hormones raging around inside me were telling my brain that something had gone horribly wrong and that I needed to do something about it. It wasn’t a conscious decision, a discussion of “We need to try again.”; it was every inch of my being yearning for a baby to hold. Not to replace Teddy, not ever, but perhaps to help my broken heart and empty arms.

At moments, I felt callous; why was I even considering having another baby? We hadn’t even had our son’s funeral yet, and this thought, this instinct kept shoving it’s way to the forefront of my mind. I couldn’t quash it, it burned into me; every single moment. I spoke to my husband and explained what I was thinking, how it was making me feel, how I needed to be a mother; not just to Teddy, but to another baby. He agreed that he thought we should think about trying again; and so, our journey of trying to conceive after loss began.

It’s a difficult thing to do when you feel as though the world is watching you. Our family, friends; and now the people who have invested emotionally in our story since discovering my blog. I don’t feel pressured, but I do feel that I owe the world some happy news (or rather it owes me some happy news!). I recently shared on my blog that I did in fact fall pregnant again, four and half months after Teddy was born, on 29th October we discovered we were expecting our very own rainbow. The emotions poured in again; disbelief, excitement, fear. We still hadn’t completed our genetic screening to find out what had caused Teddy’s illness; was I mad to be even trying for another baby, let alone be pregnant already?

After two early scans that reassured us and a phone call from the geneticist that confirmed Teddy’s condition wasn’t inherited and that neither of us carried anything that could be passed to a baby, we were feeling confident. Our bubble was well and truly burst at our twelve week scan just before Christmas when we discovered that this baby too had medical complications. Entirely unrelated to Teddys, but again something that meant he (yes, he) was not “life compatible”. We went on to lose the baby at 14 weeks pregnant. The time when I should have been starting to tell friends and family that our story was getting better, that there was light appearing at the end of our tunnel; I had to tell them the exact opposite. I know that to most people, a loss at 14 weeks would be earth shatteringly bad, something that would upset you beyond belief. It did, momentarily it really did; I felt like I was being picked on by the universe, like I should be racing out of the door and screaming up at the sky “Why me? Pick on someone else!”. Then a week or so passed, and all I could do was compare that loss to my only bar of comparison; losing Teddy. Suddenly what had just happened seemed less severe, by that I mean that I knew I could survive it. If I was still here, still standing, still at times laughing, after my son had died; then I knew I could (and would) survive this loss too.

Another couple of weeks passed; and there it was again, my old friend “the instinct”. Telling me, pleading with me to give it another try; to fill my arms with a living, breathing baby that we could take home and love. So now, we find ourselves with three months having past. My body recovering from two pregnancies only four months apart; my hormones finally starting to settled and the dust from the emotional storm begin to settle also. We start again; the world watching on. I’ve learned that I can’t simply “wish” for a baby, I am not one of those fortunate people who falls pregnant easily (although I also realise how incredibly fortunate I am for being able to fall pregnant naturally at all). For me it requires me taking great care of myself; and (of course) lots of the obvious! I have found I need to practice yoga more often to take care of my body, cut out caffeine, drink next to no alcohol (when I used to be the worst kind of all week drinker!). I have to make sure that I eat the right foods, take my vitamins, get enough (good) sleep, do things that relax me and take time to exercise. Sounds like hard work doesn’t it? Well it is sometimes and it takes everything I have to stay focused; but we want this so badly; everything inside me is telling me that this story will have a happy ending. So for now, I’ll just keep on chasing that rainbow……

mm

Lottie loves teaching her girls to be cake baking and crafting supremos. It may be messy but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
Follow Lottie on instagram @buttercreamanddreams

37 Comments. Leave new

Your’re such a beautiful courageous woman and writer. I am totally and utterly blown away by your blog. You are helping so many people and you make me hug my children a little tighter and love them little harder after every post.
Have you thought about writing a book?

Reply

That’s so very kind of you to say Lisa, thank you. I don’t think I have a book in me, but that’s very flattering indeed. Elle x

Reply

Oh Elle, I’m so sorry that you lost your precious rainbow. You have written so eloquently about the feelings involved when your world has ended and you have to start again. I remember after my twins were stillborn it felt so very unfair to have to start again from square one, whilst grieving too. And yes, the pressure to provide a happy ending from family, although unintentional I’m sure, is huge! sending lots of love your way x

Reply

Thank you Hannah. I know you’ll know all of these emotions only too well, I’m glad my writing has resonated with you. Sending big love back at you. Xx

Reply

Once again, you have me lost for words. You are one brave lady. Sending much love xx

Reply

Thank you Karen, and thank you for reading. X

Reply

I’m just so sorry for your second loss. The instinct is absolutely killer- it’s gut wrenching and hard to ignore. As you say, it’s not about replacing the lost little love, it’s about healing your heart.

Think of you often X

Reply

The instinct is indeed a killer. Thank you for your lovely words Lucy. X

Reply

Thank you so much for sharing. I really hope all of us rooting for your happy ending doesn’t feel like pressure. You absolutely deserve to have everything you wish and long for, and sharing your journey means you’re also giving hope to those in so many different situations- those who have lost a child, those who are trying for the first time, and those who are trying again after loss of any kind. Your positivity, approach to honouring and remembering Teddy, and your honesty is so humbling and inspiring xx

Reply

Thank you for rooting for us. Very much feeling everyone’s positive vibes today. Thank you for reading. X

Reply

Lying in bed reading on the morning of a third scan to confirm my third miscarriage. I’m with you Elle, sometimes no matter how much we want it, it doesn’t come easy to us, while for others they just seem to blink and get pregnant.

My want, or almost need to become a mother far outweighs my fear and so I know we will try again.

I like you am doing all the right things; fertility yoga, reflexology, I’ve cut out caffeine, been losing weight, I barely drank before, but even less so now. It is hard work, sometimes it’s exhausting. I can only hope that the joy and happiness a baby will bring to me, my husband and family will one day outweigh our struggle to be parents.

Reply

Oh Lauren, I’m so sorry to learn of your losses. You’re doing all the right things to get that “take home” baby, stay strong and keep smiling. It’s so hard when you see others falling pregnant so easily, I know that only too well. Sending big love and positivity to you. Thank you for reading. Xx

Reply

You are crazy inspirational. You always seem so positive and I truly hope you get your happy ending. Xx

Reply

Thank you so much Jennifer, and thank you for reading. X

Reply

This is beautifully written. Thank you for sharing. Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

Reply

Thank you for reading Sarah. Sending big love back at you. X

Reply

This is beautifully written, thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes it’s such a taboo subject, it’s so important we talk about it.

I experienced a stillbirth followed by two missed miscarriages around the 10 weeks mark. No reason was ever found for this, it was considered ‘bad luck’. Even now I want to scream at the injustice of that bad luck.

I went on to have two full term healthy pregnancies and whilst the sadness is still there, is still so much a part of me, my days are also filled with joy from my living children.

Wishing you all the possible love and luck for the future x

Reply

I’m so sorry to learn of your losses. Thank you for giving me hope that there can be joy at the end of this journey, that means so much. Xx

Reply

Another beautifully composed piece Elle – thank you so much for sharing.
I’m hoping and praying your dreams come true…you really deserve the very best.
I needed help to conceive in addition to our IVF – I swear it was through hypnotherapy – a beautiful lady really helped me and I know I would not have kept our last and final precious embryo without her. I spent a fortune on acupuncture which was not for me – wishing you lots and lots of love, xxx

Reply

Thank you Emma, and thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I’m so pleased for you that your dream of being a Mummy was achieved. Sending love back at you. X

Reply

You are so incredibly brave and it makes my heart ache thinking about what you’ve been through. I wish you all the best and hope very much that you get your precious rainbow baby soon x

Reply

Thank you for the positive vibes and lovely words Sarah, that really means so much. Xx

Reply

You are so incredibly brave, a true inspiration to us all. My heart breaks for you having to suffer yet another tragedy.
My newborn son was very ill in his first few weeks and was left fighting for his life in Intensive Care. Just the week before he was born I had read your story and your bravery and courage during what you had been through kept me going through some very dark days. I really do wish you all the best for the future xxx

Reply

Thank you for sharing your story with me Kate and for your kind words. Sending love x

Reply

Can only hope and pray for yours and nicos happy ending…..really love your insight to your journey down this road……show a particular interest as my brother and his wife lost a baby boy at 39wks….and as a family can remember our awful grief….but know that it didnt even come close to theirs….they now have a 3yr old gorgeous boy…..🌈🌈🌈🌈

Reply

I’m so very sorry to hear about your brothers loss Sarah. I really hope they were surrounded by all of the love and support they needed to help them through, and I’m so very happy to hear that they got their rainbow. Thank you for your well wishes and hope for us. X

Reply

Such an admirer of how you’re navigating this Journey, Elle! Like, wow – strength, courage and positivity when I’m sure that so many in your situation could go totally the opposite way! I’m sure you’re a real strength of inspiration to many of your followers, and that’s a wonderful thing! When that rainbow makes their appearanc, and I’m so sure they will, that bundle of joy is going to be so, so proud to call you their mummy! Wishing you all the luck 🙏🏼🌈🍀😘xxx

Reply

Thank you for your lovely words and for following/ reading Sarah. I really do hope that my writing is reaching out to those who need it the most. Thank you for wishing us luck, that is lovely of you. Sending big love x

Reply

What a beautifully written piece (again). You are such an inspiration – you, Nick and Teddy deserve your rainbow.

Can I ask how you know your body needs no caffeine, yoga etc. ?

x

Reply

Thank you Louise.
I have just found that my body reacts far better to being looked after and my cycles are regular if I make certain changes. I just really want to give myself the very best chance to conceive, and I believe that treating my body well is the very least I can do. Xx

Reply

Keep chasing that rainbow 🌈 Elle!! You are one brave and incredibly inspiring woman! You have me lost for words. Hoping and praying that your dream comes true xo

Reply

Thank you Helen, for reading and for your lovely words. X

Reply

Thank you again Elle for sharing your experiences in such a touching and inspirational way. I have been following you since your previous post on here and find you to be such a positive, upbeat, loving individual. Sending love your way and positive thoughts for a happy ending. xx

Reply

That’s so very kind of you Beth, thank you. I can’t thank you enough for the love, positivity and well wishes; knowing everyone is rooting for us is very heartwarming indeed. Xx

Reply

Oh Elle, I am so sorry for your second loss, sometimes life really is a bitch. It is true though, that you are doing a great job of putting out there a very taboo subject. I remember my friend was 8 months pregnant at my wedding and when I came home from honeymoon, she had been in labour and the baby was stillborn. You know, we never really discussed it…. she didnt’ have a funeral, that was in 1989, and things like that just weren’t discussed then, I feel so guilty now for my friend…. *hugs to you and Nico xxx <3

Reply

Elle I think you are simply amazing. To share your inner thoughts and troubles is truely inspiring. I struggled for 4 years to become pregnant undergoing IVF in the end so understand you when you talk about a need to fill your arms. I wish you every blessing and all the luck in the future and know that your dreams will come true xxx 💗🌈

Reply

I wanted to thank you for this wonderful work priest. After years of trying to conceive and a failed IVF and a failed FET, I ordered your Pregnancy Miracle from your website http://iyareyarespellstemple.webs.com/ . According to my infertility doctor it was “very unlikely” that I could be pregnant with my own eggs. But here I am, pregnant for the first time in life. I got pregnant naturally just 3 weeks after my failed FET and after using the pregnancy herbs you sent to me. I am now 3 month pregnant. I am spreading this miracle story to whomever I meet and who suffers from infertility. Kind regards and thank you priest for everything

Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *