Happy Friday folks! Very quick hello from me as I’m handing over to the lovely Naomi for her next post. Enjoy.
Before Ethan came along I read a book called French Children Don’t Throw Food and decided I knew how to parent before I had kids. In fairness, it’s actually a pretty good read with some parenting tips I’d like to mull over at this stage but at the time (pre pregnancy) I was very much full of ideals about what I would be like as a Mother and things I swore I would never resort to.
It turns out pre-child Naomi was full of great intentions, but a tad naive. She didn’t understand the bone crushing tiredness, repetition and patience testing of parenthood. Nor could she comprehend the heart exploding love, adoration and respect for your kiddo and your partner that comes with the whole rip roaring journey.
I thought I’d share with you my pre-baby grand plans as jotted down in my little pregnancy diary, followed by how they turned out… (these are verbatim words I wrote by the way, feel free to laugh me off the internet).
Great expectation: I won’t use the TV as a babysitter. I’ll be fully present with my kid and they will understand and play quietly with their toys when I need to do things like shower, cook and go to the toilet in peace.
Reality: If it wasn’t for TV in the morning while I’m getting us ready to get out the door and TV in the evening while I’m trying to make dinner, we would be a family that goes nowhere and eats nothing. In fact, as I write this, Gavin is packing up the kitchen for our impending move back to the UK and Ethan is engrossed in a riveting episode of Bananas in Pyjamas. We do try to cap TV watching time and I have got a weird rule that he can only watch channels with no adverts (can we make advertising to children illegal already?), but on particularly tough days of solo parenting, the television can be my greatest ally.
Great expectation: I’ll never eat sugar in front my kids and they won’t whinge at me for sweets. In fact, they won’t even know what chocolate is.
Reality: Whilst Ethan doesn’t get much sugar because it sends him mad as a bag of frogs and (thankfully) we can walk down the sweetie aisle in the supermarket without him even registering the sugary tastiness that lines the shelves… He is a chocolate fiend. I have a major dark chocolate addiction and I will often try to sneak a square (or six) while he’s otherwise occupied. As soon as he hears the rustle of foil and a the snapping of chocolate, he’s at my feet like some creepy apparition and looking up at me with those adorable hazel eyes saying “What you eating Mum?”.
Also, when I’m at a cafe and I reeaaallly want that brownie because I’ve had two hours sleep and feel like there must be some kind of pleasure in life to make it worth living, my tactic of choice is to order it to ‘share with him’ then scoff as much as possible as quickly as possible so he only gets a corner. This is my sad truth.
Great expectation: I won’t bribe them with food
Reality: “Ethan, if you get in to the car, you can have some blueberries.”
“Ethan, eat your dinner and we’ll put the TV on for 10 minutes.”
“Ethan, if you’re a good boy and you stay next to Mummy, you can have a muffin when you get home.”
Great expectation: I won’t use distraction as a parenting technique, I’ll calmly and firmly discuss why they can’t have something so they grow up knowing not to expect everything they want when they want it.
Reality: If you read my last post, you’ll know how this one has turned out. In fact, I think this is the one that I laugh at most. Because I genuinely don’t know any other way to avoid a tantrum sometimes without saying “Ethan!!! Look! A helicopter!”. And to be honest… Sometimes I really don’t have the energy to deal with the consequences of a major meltdown, so distraction it is.
Great expectation: I won’t give in or ‘pick my battles’
Reality: Bah hahaha! The words “Ok fine!” and “Gavin just give it to him” cross my lips way more often than I’d like to admit. I also do A LOT of negotiating with Ethan. “It’s 38 degrees outside, you can’t wear your raincoat, but you can wear your wellies.” or “No love, you can’t bring your massive motorised dump truck to the doctors, but you can bring this mini tractor instead.”
Great expectation: I won’t let having a baby take away my sense of identity or style.
Reality: As I write this, my hair is in a Mum bun, I have no make up on and I’m wearing grey sweats and a burgundy Harry Potter jumper. In the beginning I definitely struggled with the physical and emotional toll of being Mum and how that translated into my wardrobe and my overall confidence. However, I’m starting to enjoy this new multifaceted me and have started seeing it as an excuse to reinvestigate what I like and what I don’t. I’ve refined my personal style Pinterest board and am being really intentional with the things I now bring into my wardrobe.
I would love to hear in the comments if there’s anything you swore you wouldn’t do.
And did you stick to your guns? Or like me, did you fold like a deckchair once the kids came along?
This is hilarious! I felt much the same, although I believe distraction is a legitimate parenting technique. I also swore I would never use a dummy, I think I had visions of a toddler walking around with one permanently attached to his mouth. The reality – I could not have survived without one! Freddie never really got attached to anything as a comforter so the dummy was excellent at sending him off to sleep. I was really dreading taking it off him but the decision in the end was taken out of our hands, we stayed at my parents and the dummy split so we had no choice but to go cold turkey. It was actually fine (well easy to say now but not as horrific as I thought) and we’ve not looked back. We’re using the dummy with our daughter now too, although she’s not as attached thankfully, it just helps her get over the line from awake to asleep.
Funny what a difference reality makes!! Thank you for making me laugh.x
I think a dummy was my biggest “I will never do that” parenting fail! We couldn’t have survived without them and they made SUCH a difference to the amount of sleep we all got.
Dummy’s have actually shown now to reduce the occurance of SIDS – so I’m ready to use from start! ? X
Hahaha….nice to see we all do this. The dummy was one of ours too but didn’t last much longer than 2 weeks after A was born. Just went cold turkey recently too (at 2.5 years) and it was surprisingly easy so I’m definitely not resisting the dummy second time around.
Haha Agnes! Yes! The dummy. When Ethan was born the midwives promptly told me he was a ‘sucky baby’, I didn’t need telling twice. The dummy went in. Godsend for us too.
I’m never going to a soft play. The woods and fields will be our playground. Ha. Hahahaha. Ha.
Now, I have refined that one – and swear I will stick to it til the day I die – to ‘I’m never going to a soft play… at the weekend’
HELL. ON. EARTH.
I must say, being in Australia, we’ve been quite fortunate in that the beach is walking distance. But we’ve only got four weeks of that left then I’m sure when back in the UK we’ll be resorting to soft play during the blanket of grey that often descends! Although Karen, I’m liking your rule. Can’t think of a worse way to spend a Saturday.
Oh Naomi I’m loving this. I’m nodding my head to EVERYTHING… even the adverts thing. CBeebies = fine / Nick Jnr = evil.
I too promised I wouldn’t ‘let myself go’ but then some days I get halfway to wherever were going and realise I’m not wearing a scrap of makeup. One time I went to buy some bedding from Dunhelm, parked up and realised my jumper was quite visibly inside out (hoping there were no CCTV cameras because I whipped it off in the car).
Real life just makes things more interesting I guess. Keep thesending fab posts coming! Xx
I’d been so busy co-ordinating pre high-powered-meeting nursery runs/collections etc that I didn’t realise until AFTER my meeting with the director of the fabric knitting company that I’d flat forgotten to put make up on ?. I don’t even really wear that much but what little I do makes the difference between walking corpse/actual human. At least my knickers weren’t hanging out of the bottom of my trouser leg.
Thursday was my real life incarnation of all this! Got roped in to taking Alice to soft play. Luckily it wasn’t busy but as we went on our own I had to go round the whole thing with her whilst wearing a short dress (luckily had tights on!) and hair scraped back. I had remembered some makeup but as we are sat at the top of the giant slide I glanced down to realise I had a tampax sticking out my shirt pocket where I had placed it when I ran down the stairs that morning. Completely forgot to put it in my handbag. MORTIFIED! xxx
Lottie!!!! Hahahaha. ???
The kids probably all thought it was sweets x
Lottie!! Hahahahaha! The tampax gave me a real giggle! I’ve also made the mistake of going to the play park in a short dress.
Zero dignity left when my son calls out “Mum, why are you wearing no pants?!” (for the record… I was absolutely wearing pants). Felt like lifting my dress to prove this to the rest of the park. I didn’t.
Now I’ve done that with a sock, thankfully not knickers! ?
Yeah, without make up I look like a 48 year old man. x
Oh so true! I swore he wouldn’t watch TV, I do try and curb it but as you’ve said, how else can I get out of the house/shower/cook?! Also sweet stuff… he doesn’t eat sweets and rarely chocolate but cake. I do take him for a coffee and I do want a cake, which I neck in 3.4 seconds and save him the smallest bit imagineable. He then demands cake all day. I’m tired and pregnant. I deserve cake and I have a 19 month old with me 99% of the time. What you gonna do? Sleep in my bed… that’s where he slept the first 6 months of his life. He wouldn’t tantrum in public… HA. How did I even think it would be possible to stop this?! Oh pre-child me was so naive.
Tired & pregnant… You DO deserve cake.
And the tantruming thing… I was the same. How in the name of cocopops did we think we could ‘decide’ that?!
I was adamant that I wouldn’t let my life be dictated by naps. This is before I knew the pure heaven of two hours to myself at home whilst my toddler napped in their cot!
This! I would do anything to promote lengthy naps and my god I miss them now he’s grown out of them.
Ahhh me too!!! I spent the first 18 months of Elle’s life wondering round like some crazy woman muttering about naps…
That unbearable feeling when you swear they’re ready for a good couple of hours and wake up after 20 mins!
Mine has quit napping now at 3 years old. It’s infuriating.
So true! From having a refluxy baby that never slept except being held upright for the first 6 months, now having 2 hours to myself is bliss!
Im 24 weeks pregnant with our first and my current vow is no ipads during meal time as see a lot of children using them when we’re out and about. Wise RMF am I being totally naïve????
Emma I too was the same when I was pregnant. I confess I was Mrs Judgy Pants wondering why parents didn’t promote the art of conversation and actually talk to their children rather than plonking them in front of a screen when out for a meal. Nearly two and a half years later I COMPLETELY see why parents use iPads. We have a toddler boy who loves running around like a loon so to save the sanity of other diners and to allow Ste and I to actually eat together we do occasionally get our phones out to let him watch Bing/Paw Patrol/some other mindless crap. That said we do have rules – only when we’re out, only if he’s being especially wild and then only for about ten minutes. He’s actually pretty good in terms of not binging on the screen time – usually by the ten minutes is up he’s had enough and then more often than not he’ll sit and talk to us for a bit. I guess everything in moderation I suppose…
Think Ill have to keep that in mind – although from your instagram I can’t believe Hector is anything but angelic – he’s gorgeous xx
We are an iPad when out family too! I tried the whole colouring books thing but it was easier just to let them watch Peppa pig. I will say that now Molly is older (5) she will happily sit and talk or colour but those early years it is a life saver. On holiday this year we whipped the iPad out straight on the first night and got lots of judgy looks from other parents despite the fact that we got to enjoy a lovey peaceful meal. Low and behold the next night all the families around us had their iPads out!! Not sure what we would do without it, probably why my mum never took any of us out!! xx
That’s so funny about your holiday – sounds like the judgy looks were actually parents thinking, “why the hell aren’t we doing that”!! I know our parents didn’t take us out to eat much when we were little as wasn’t the same family friendly restaurants! Xx
Emma I so know where you’re coming from. I did feel the same way. I’ll confess now that, although it’s our last resort (if I want any chance of sitting in one place and not having to chase him around the restaurant) is mighty machines on my iphone. Otherwise, we bring toys and I’ve been known to fill a bowl or two with sugar from sugar sachets so Ethan’s excavator has ‘something to dig’.
Yes to all this. Most of the “helpful” advice comes from the husband. He soon cracks when he has to actually spend solo time wth O.
My mum swears by distraction; as a 3 year I threw a strop because I didn’t want to leave the sand castles I’d made as the sea would wash them away. Grandma duly informed me that the seagulls would look after them. Crisis averted.
My husband Gavin often comes off with “I think he should watch less TV”, but likewise, is the first one to cave under pressure. Seems it’s not just us Mums with unrealistic expectations sometimes 🙂
This is really funny as I’m 12 weeks away from meeting our first baby, and I’m sure so much of what I say I’ll do will change once baby is here! I remember when I first found out I was pregnant and said to my mum I’d never let my child have a tantrum in the middle of a shop and embarrass me; you’d think I’d turned into Micheal Macintyre the way she laughed at me!! ??
“you’d think I’d turned into Micheal Macintyre the way she laughed at me!! ??”
Hahaha!
Unfortunately the tantrum thing is not within your control. But ultimately for the rest, it’s just up to how much you and to bend or break as a parent. I have clearly chosen break ?
Naomi I too read this book when I was pregnant – how hard could it be I muttered as I read it. Answer: VERY! I think the distraction technique is a valid one, we use it ALL THE TIME. Usually pointing out the nearest car/digger/truck but we’ve resorted to sticks and pebbles too when anything on the vehicle front is lacking. And we do a whole lot of bribery too. I’d have loved to have told pre-child me the measures we’ve resorted to, to make Hector put his shoes on 😉
Lolly… Get ready for this… Ethan puts his own shoes on now! *Angels sing*.
And he’s so excited by his brand new skill that he does it on one prompt.
I’m trying to decide if I will re-read the book. On one hand I think there are some things I’d absorb better now (I remember something about yoghurt cake being quite good for this age), but on the other hand, I might end up screaming “YOU LIE” and throwing it across the room.
I loved that book – I only read it as I thought it was a novel at first – and I think you take what you want from it. For sleep, ‘the pause’ makes total sense and the idea of a cadre or framework appeals to me too.
But Lols. I’ve learnt my lesson for my second. No talking about sleep or development. It’ll only come and bite you in the arse ‘oh yah, he loves brocolli’ to be replaced the week after with ‘he’ll only eat red foods with a red spoon from a red bowl whilst wearing red pajamas at lunchtime’ **eyeroll**
On the TV thing I don’t think it’s that bad. I prefer CBeebies because it’s semi educational and no adverts. She particularly likes ‘do you know’ and ‘Go Jetters’. We also watch Alphablocks and Numberblocka to help with phonics. It’s easier to control with iplayer too I think because you can skip programmes. I particularly loathe Tellytubbies and In The Night Garden. They don’t even SPEAK properly. I think I would have been against TV as a rule pre baby too but when your two year old asks where India is on the map you kind of think, it’s not THAT bad. And it sounds brilliant if you’re in the pub……
I loved the idea of ‘la cadre’ too Rebecca. I still think about this when I’m not giving Ethan enough boundaries.
As for TV, I agree. There are so many educational programmes now. As long as their not in front of it all day every day I think it’s quite healthy.
My son has been wearing his wellies to nursery all week because he wont put his shoes on. Someone asked him if his shoes hurt and so now that’s all he tells us, so muggins here is going to let him choose his own red shoes like Peppa tomorrow – God please let there be some red shoes in the shop! Some mornings I have to bribe him to the car with what we call a ‘special snack’…its a fig roll.
And The Dummy. We have managed to get the dummy just to 6pm onwards. He will leave it in his bed in a morning now, but I still cant quite bring myself to get rid of it all together! I cherish the 12 hours he sleeps at night!
“so muggins here is going to let him choose his own red shoes like Peppa tomorrow” Haha! loved this.
We managed to get the dummy off Ethan rather easily. I was tired and came up with the most ridiculous story ever. “Santa needs to take your dummy away to give it to the baby stars, because they won’t stop crying”. Weirdly, it worked. I think it was more to do with him being ready though than my sparkling negotiation skills.
Ha love this post! I think the only thing I was set on NOT doing, was co-sleeping as I’d seen it seriously mess up people’s and their baby’s sleep. Make a guess who’s been in our bed for on average half the night since week 5 ?. To be fair, we all sleep better for it, it makes feeding much easier and I love the cuddles while I can get them!
Otherwise I’m quite pragmatic. I’m still trying to limit screen time and I’m sticking to no toys whilst eating (but he loves food so that’s an easy one for us!) but no set rules so far!
No toys whilst eating?! What is this magic you speak of?
I lucked out in the early months because my little one was pretty easy going, I must have sounded like a right smug git at the time. Then she turned 2 and is like a different child! I have to ‘pick my battles’ on a daily basis and can often be heard exclaiming “look at THAT!” at the most random of things in order to divert her attention / quell a potential meltdown.
The one deal I made with myself that I didn’t renage on was in making an effort to look half decent. I put my slap on every day, get my nails done once a fortnight and feel all the better for it. I wish I could get on board with the ‘mum bun’ but always end up looking like Miss Trunchbull ? so that’s a no go for me. My hair is therefor 90% dry shampoo most days ?
I applaud your self care determination. Unfortunately for me, it’s the first thing to go out the window. Which is weird because when I do actually make an effort, I feel like a new, improved woman. Must try harder.
I wish I wasn’t so vain but I honestly feel like I can tackle anything with a bit of mascara and blush on! ?
Haha funny post.
I’m not sure why people are so anti dummies – a 5 year walking round with one in their mouth I agree isn’t great but for babies = lifesaver! Also the health visitors here encourage the use of them as it helps reduce cot death risk. If that’s not a good reason to use one I don’t know what is!!!
I didn’t want my little one to eat (much) sugar and was strict until he was 1, at his birthday party he devoured the cake! Now if I’m eating cake I can hardly say no so he has the odd piece – we share, sort of ! (though at 34 weeks pregnant my cake intake is less than healthy ?)
It’s easy before kids to say all these things but in actual real life I think the more you prevent a child from something the harder it is when they’re older to stop they becoming obsessed by it. I think they kind of rebel! My little boy isn’t that bothered by tv/ iPad yet but always wants my phone to look at the picture of daddy and him on it … that’s given me a few minutes peace when needed!
It’s all about balance I think. A bit of tv isn’t going to harm them.
I’m with you on the restriction-breeds-obsession thing Victoria. I’m friends with a girl who wasn’t allowed sugar as a kid and had a bedside drawer full of Crunchies when she was at Uni. No joke. Full. I’m aiming for a (sometimes wobbly) healthy balance.
Naomi this post is great and I’m loving reading everyone’s comments too – so funny and just shows we’re all just doing the best we can! x
The comments have cracked me up too Fern! And made me feel a bit better for laying it all out there.
Ha, tell me about it – one and two in particular. I haven’t quite reached the negotiation stage, but it is definitely coming… Seriously, what is it with small children’s ability to detect chocolate a mile away?! Ditto on speed eating, I impress myself sometimes with the speed at which I can eat cake.
Having just had another baby when Oliver isnt even 2 (i know flipping mad) I have resorted entirely to tv. I was so proud before now that he didnt watch too much TV but it’s currently a total lifesaver. And I’m not going to lie its nearly permanently on at the moment as I’m breast feeding and therefore stuck to the sofa. This morning I had chocolate digestives for breakfast and so Oliver had one at 8am…bad mum? Or just surviving…I promise to do better someday…
Haha, this post is so funny and I can relate to every single thing. The ‘distraction’ method is my favourite and one I use a lot. All sorts of things come out of my mouth ‘Noah, calm down, calm down, LOOK THERE’S A DRAGON!’
Ha love this post!! I swore that I wouldn’t be one of those mums who sat in the car whilst their child took a nap… now I have a no napping nearly 3 year old, guess who has been sitting in the car for the last 40 minutes!!!
I read the same book when I was pregnant, and yes, thought I had the dos and don’ts sorted. I don’t!
Lulu
http://www.babycradleandall.co.uk/2017/02/04/i-swore-i-never-would/