I’m not sure Matt and I had thought through having a baby while living hundreds of miles away from our families. Obviously I missed their support during those exhausting newborn days but as Elle has become a toddler it’s the free babysitting service we really miss 😉
I also knew that by breastfeeding Elle, I’d lose a certain level of freedom. I was perfectly willing to accept that – it’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme of her and my life, that feeding her to sleep wasn’t ever a issue. Matt and I could sneak out for a date once she was asleep, but if I’m honest, going out for a drink wasn’t really appealing to me after sitting in a darkened room, nursing and cuddling a sleep-fighting baby to the land of nod. All I really wanted to do was neck a gin and tonic and be cuddled to sleep myself. Plus we’d need to find a babysitter, and although we have a great group of NCT friends here who are always willing to come over, they were all in the same boat as us.
I’m the first person to admit that our relationship definitely suffered during the first year of Elle’s life. I found it virtually impossible to feel sexy while breastfeeding and while we spend a lot of time together (we both work from home) none of that was quality time. When you don’t have any family around it’s a case of taking it in turns to look after the baby, while the other one works/cooks/cleans/meets friends. There’s rarely an occasion where you can both go out together, unless it’s been planned to precision or you pay a babysitter.
We’re now at the stage where feeding to sleep is a distant memory, so when my sister and her boyfriend recently came down to stay, we decided to bite the bullet and actually have an evening out together. Prior to this, either Matt or I have put Elle to bed every single night of her life. I was a little worried, as she’s a little monkey when it comes to bedtime. But, as they always do, she surprised me and was good as gold for my sister. It meant that Matt and I could go out for pre-dinner drinks, dinner and post-dinner drinks and it was amazing. It was so lovely that neither of us had to do the bedtime routine and that we could both completely switch off from the moment we left the door at 7pm.
Honestly, I’m not sure why we haven’t done this sooner. I really should ask friends for help more and if they are busy, just book a baby sitter. I can’t stress how important it is to keep some special time for you as a couple. (Although at the same time, there’s nothing wrong with life changing a little once your baby comes along. You do get your freedom back and things definitely do get easier).
I’m not really sure what this post is about. Maybe admitting that I neglected our relationship? Coming to terms with our new life as parents? Accepting that with having a baby comes a certain level of self sacrifice, but that that’s ok? All I know is that things were tough and we both felt very lonely at times. But we got through it. And as cliched as it is, are now closer than ever before. Oh, and date nights are very, very important. But so is looking after yourself and your baby. It’s just one endless juggling game.
What does everyone else do when it comes to childcare? Do you share babysitting duties with friends? Are your family super helpful? Does anyone maybe wish their families weren’t so helpful? 😉 And what have your experiences been with paying for babysitters?
Image by Anna from WE ARE // THE CLARKES
Our families aren’t hundreds of miles away but they also aren’t round the corner. It was honestly five months after Freddie was born that we left the house for our first baby free lunch. That was due to a combination of things – not wanting to be away from him, babysitting not being on the doorstep etc.. but it was great. They always always behave much better for someone else and it allows some bonding time for grandparents or other family members.
We do try to make an effort to spend quality time together as a couple but it is difficult. My mum is always encouraging us to do it more often but it’s a balancing act. I think as long as you acknowledge that and plan things in advance it really helps. It’s also important to make time for yourself, whether that’s for exercise or going and getting your hair done whatever. If you feel better about you then you’re going to feel more sexy and more like a couple when you are together.
Love the honesty of this topic, let’s face it it’s tough and a baby is hard on a relationship but also ultimately the most bonding thing to happen (please remind me of this when baby two arrives in October!!)
You’ll be fine ? Although having two must be hard, everyone says you feel more confident in your decisions because you’ve been through it before. And you make a good point too – it’s ok to not want to leave your baby! Xx
Sadly both my parents and in-laws are too ill to care for our toddler and when we visit them she cries if we leave the room even to go to the toilet despite having seen her grandparents at least once a month since she was born. We’re now expecting a second baby and so our prospects of child free time together is looking even less likely. We have had a few days where we took her to nursery and both took the day off work for a grown-up day together but it’s not the same as regular date nights.
Currently my biggest stress is what we’re going to do next year as we’ve been invited to a close friend’s three day wedding over 200 miles from home and it’s no children! By then we’ll have a newborn and a toddler and I have no idea what we’re going to do. Any suggestions??
My views are probably anathema to the your day your way crowd, to me putting you in this situation is so uncool! Either you get extra rooms, bring your parents or whoever with you, dash off to see children/feed when you can (and spend a vast amount), or you could ask can you bring newborn and toddler stays home with Nannie, or you don’t go.
Good luck whatever you decide to do, other people may have more creative solutions.
I’m so sorry, I just reread your post properly- what an idiot I am for skimming. Could your child’s key worker at nursery come with you for a weekend away?
I’m so sorry to hear that your parents and in laws are unwell and do apologise for blithely commenting without paying due attention to your situation- I can only say that I’m trying to persuade someone to abandon her dolls for breakfast!
No worries, skim reading is the only way when you have children! Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I have thought about asking one of the key workers to come with us but by the time we factor in paying her and hiring a cottage which is big enough to sleep all of us it doesn’t really seem worth the hassle or the money. I’m currently favouring going alone and leaving my poor husband home alone with two under two. I’m a bridesmaid so it can’t be the other way round (although I’m sure he’d look lovely in a bridesmaid dress). I completely get the ‘your day, your way’ thing. I just wish it wasn’t so far away or so long. An afternoon 20 miles away is very different to 3 days 200 miles away! Thankfully as this is the thing I’m stressing about most at the moment it shows that things must be going pretty well. Talk about first world problems!
Hi Sarah, do you have a friend or sibling who could travel with you to help with the babies? I know it’s a big undertaking for them, but you could make it into a mini holiday? Could you speak to your friend and ask that you are given a room at the venue? I know they are usually saved for family but if you explain the situation hopefully they will understand. Where is the wedding? Just wondering if any of the RMF readers can help with recommendations of childcare?
Also we do the same thing, try to have lunch together on a day when Elle’s at nursery every couple of weeks – even if it’s just a takeaway sandwich in the sunshine. It’s nice to have a quite adult hour! X
Thanks Fern. Even a quiet adult 10 minutes is good sometimes!
I have thought about taking a friend along with us to provide childcare but the costs are becoming a bit ridiculous and dragging her half way up the country and leaving her with two under two seems a bit too much of an imposition. We have a room at the venue as I’m a bridesmaid. I can see why the bride’s chosen the venue, its AMAZING. I just can’t imagine trying to hide a toddler and a baby in a very grown-up adult room for 3 days and if the baby cried at night and kept people awake I’d feel awful. I’m thinking of going on my own and leaving my husband at home with the children I just know he’s really disappointed as he would like a grown-up weekend in a gorgeous wedding venue too. Someone needs to set up a rent-a-grandparent service as there must be loads of people who are desperate for grandchildren and I’d happily share mine with them occasionally.
That makes sense – such a tough one, but I think it would probably be the best plan to leave your husband with the kids. A three day wedding is a v long time – that’s impressive even by RMW standards 😉 I’d still speak to your friend about it and let her know it’s worrying you, there might be some way she can help.
LOVE the sound of a rent-a-grandparent service, that would be sooooo helpful! x
Funnily enough my neighbour offered to babysit and my husband said why don’t you just say yes so we are off out together tonight!
I agree it is all such a balancing game, it is important to have time as a family, to yourself, with the kids individually and as a couple- but that one does always seem to come at the end of the list. It definitely gets easier as the little ones get older and having left the ‘2 under 2 camp’ behind us, I feel more ready to take up offers of help now the little ones are more predictable and reliable with sleep. It is important to make time as a couple but also not to be hard on ourselves, we give it our best at everything and like Agnes said nothing strengthens (and tests!) a relationship more than becoming a family unit! xx
We are incredibly lucky that we have both my mum and the mother in law nearby so most babysitting duties fall to them. They have been amazing over that last five years and meant we don’t have to worry. The girls love them being here or having sleepovers at the grandparents. On the occasions when they can’t do it our neighbours daughter is fantastic. She’s 16 and the girls have grown up with her so they adore her. It’s always nice to know her parents are only next door if needed too. It does make outings more pricey though. It’s definitely worth seeing if there is someone like that around. Ask friends for recommendations as that is always a good start. All that said the babysitting normally occurs to help one of us out (normally me) rather than for date nights. Edd works long hours or is away a lot so if I want to go anywhere in the week or have meetings myself I have to enlist the babysitting help. At the weekend Edd just wants to be at home so we rarely go out the two of us and it is something I desperately think we need to do. One to add to the ever growing list of things to pack in! I need more days in the week!! xxx
This strikes a deep chord with me and our situation- the only people I trust with /would inflict Silvia’s bedtime on are many miles away. We are about to go away with my parents and I think we will probably be going out for our first evening alone together while we are there- she is 18 months. You know what though? I’m fine with that. We had four years of marriage and nine of being together before we had her, we ate, drank, made merry, made love. We could take a little break from all that for her. I totally respect people who do want to make that time for each other sooner, and I’m deeply envious of friends with parents literally around the corner. But the 3 of us are together on our Devon island and we have had *so* much fun- she is the best thing we have ever done and has brought us so much closer together.
Also, to lower the tone (characteristically ??) breastfeeding can have a big effect on your vaginal lubrication (bleargh) which combined with any stitches and sleep exhaustion doesn’t put you in a playful sexy mood. WHICH IS TOTALLY OK! I feel a lot better facing up to #2’s arrival knowing it all comes back- I think the worst part of it first time round was worrying I would never feel sexy again…
Anyway, yesterday bins and irons, today date night and sexy times. That’s what I love this blog for!
Lucy is this exactly how we feel – high fives to being a little threesome in the deepest darkest depths of the South West ?
We have a v honest and open relationship so I’d told Matt the science behind not feeling remotely sexy. There’s not a huge amount you can do about it really, but wait and try to do things that make you feel like you again. But it definitely takes a while.
I loved the comments on yesterday’s #binbants post – but I guess this is just real life for us Mamas ?
This definitely strikes a chord with me,my son is four and a half months old and I’m breastfeeding and feeding him to sleep so my night time routine is similar to yours Fern, gin is also involved! I have recently made the decision to turn down the opportunity to do the next level up in a night course I was doing pre baby. it was 6pm-9pm once a week and I just couldn’t see how that would work with his bedtime involving me being there to feed him to sleep. And with babysitting for a night out, we don’t have anyone close by either,my parents are in Ireland and my in laws are forty miles away, so I imagine it’ll be some time before we get out on our own. But as you said Fern, its such a relatively short period of time in all our lives that I’m fine with that. it’ll come round again before we know it!
Honestly I know everyone says this, but the first year does fly past. I’ve been there, it can be really frustrating and lonely feeding your baby to sleep, but you’re doing such a great job to make your baby feel safe and secure. I promise when your baby weans from milk you’ll have your freedom back. Now Elle is a toddler we can share bedtimes so you should be able to do your night course in time. Perhaps even sooner than you think – these babies change so quickly. And I promise you’ll look back on those snuggley bedtimes with a full heart ❤️
Thanks Fern, your words made me smile 🙂
This is so lovely to read, Fern. I’m breastfeeding my 14 week old son to sleep each night and recently I keep getting anxious that its a ‘bad habit’ and I’m ‘making a rod for my own back’. Motherhood seems full of self doubt for me, so your words were just what I needed x
We didn’t really have a date lunch until my little girl was about 6 months, and date night sometime after that, I can’t remember now! 2 reasons really, one I was breastfeeding and she wouldn’t take a bottle and fed quite regularly, and two I was just a bit anxious about leaving her I think! It didn’t bother me too much but admittedly it did feel good when we eventually got out together without a baby in tow! I think the ‘right time’ varies for everyone, I know some people thought I was crazy / weird / irrational for not leaving my baby sooner but I did it when I felt ready and felt she would be OK for a couple of hours without food on tap! Also I just really enjoyed the tiny baby stage and didnt feel any big need for a break. I totally get that some people do though! Now she’s 2 we jump at the chance of a night off! I’m lucky I’ve got my mum nearby who helps loads. Baby 2 is due to arrive soon and I hope to get this one used to bottles as well so that going out will be an option a bit sooner, mainly because I think with having 2 to look after I’ll be more keen to get a break now and again! X
Yes definitely – the right time is so personal. I think maybe there was a subconscious part of me (or perhaps not so subconscious) that didn’t want to leave Elle either. Even though I didn’t enjoy the newborn stage Elle really needed me and so there was only one place I could be xxx
And I’d definitely introduce a bottle sooner next time around too ?
My parents help out on evenings sometimes during the week but rarely at weekends because they go out themselves. Fair enough I guess! What we really struggle with is anything overnight, I actually get super stressed whenever the prospect of a wedding/ball/party comes up as I know organising childcare will be a logistical nightmare. We use one of the key workers from nursery as a babysitter – she’s great, I would highly recommend going down that root. I’ve never thought to ask if they do overnight, perhaps that might be an option.
We’re actually moving house on Thursday and realised we have both booked Friday off and Mabel is in nursery ALL day! A whole day to ourselves?! What shall we do?! VERY excited about having some lovely lunch in peace… simple pleasures!
x
We often book a day off that coincides with a nursery day. It’s awesome. Juliet goes to nursery, we go back to bed and read and drink coffee and then go for a long lunch. With wine! I say often. Three times since January. But they were all amazing! Good luck with the move! Xx
I should definitely ask Elle’s childminders more – they always offer and I think she’d love it as they are lovely girls and have such fun. Overnights are a nightmare aren’t they – I always worry that that night will be one of those where she wakes up upset about teeth or just needs cuddles from us, which is so silly as every time I’ve left her overnight she’s slept like a dream for Matt.
Have a lovely day, Jennifer’s plan sound amazing! X
I would definitely agree that making time for each other as a couple is vital although I don’t practice what I preach! Our families are far away. Since baby number 1 arrived over 5 years ago I could count on my hands how many times we had as just a couple including weddings! In hindsight possibly a bit of baby blues first time and I was adamant baby was our responsibility and no one else’s. Also having no family around made huge difference. Now we have three so even harder but determined to find a babysitter. I think if your relationship suffers so will the kids ultimately so it’s in everyone’s interests long term
On another note how did you stop the feeding to sleep? Baby 3 is 13 months and addicted!!
Baby blues definitely contributed to our isolation in the early days too Tara, now we’re the other side I can see I definitely made things worse at times 🙁
I was really lucky with Elle in that she literally went from feeding to sleep to giving up the boob one evening (her choice) and never went back. This was around 12 and a half months and she’s not drunk milk in any form since then. Bedtimes have been a little chaotic (that’s putting it mildly) since then. She’s almost 20 months and I still haven’t found a decent alternative bedtime routine. I sometimes do wish she was still feeding to sleep as it would make it easier. What were your other two like? x
Thanks Fern. You were lucky! Hoping same will happen here but she isn’t a big fan of milk otherwise so expect she would give it all up like Elle. My other two took well to the bottle at about 6 months and didn’t mind quitting boob. I’m more of a soother for number 3 though ? fingers crossed, it will have to stop eventually and in fact she slept till 5.30 this morning without me ??
Hooray – fingers crossed then 🙂 honestly it was like a light switch with Elle! xxx
We are so lucky in that both Paul’s parents (divorced) live 15 mins away and my Mum only half an hour. We had a pretty active social life pre-Frank (pubs/meals out prob twice a week) and although it has taken a MASSIVE nose dive, we’ve got very willing and generous family members who babysit for us at least twice a month. With the first year nearly up though, I do sense the enthusiasm waning a bit so have started thinking about finding a babysitter who we’d trust. I just think I’d worry more and not relax when I am out! Fern- definitely try and utilise those friends more often. Getting out and having that ‘you time’ feeds the soul!! The late night/early start not so fun though…
I will do Sama, we’re going to work out a plan for a babysitting circle 🙂
Does Frank go to a childminder? I know the girls who work at Elle’s offer babysitting services and obviously they know her, so if Frank does then that’s a good place to start? x
Ahh just what I needed to read tonight, Fern, as am currently in full-on feeding to sleep mode over here! Bub won’t really go down for anyone else and I would worry about leaving him with anyone, so we just don’t. He’s not yet five months though so it’s lovely to read there’s light at the end of the tunnel! Like you say, this is such a short time in your life when your baby needs you this much.
We are going away for the weekend soon with a bunch of my hubby’s mates and there’s talk of hiring a few babysitters for one of the nights. I’m just not ready! I realised that when I got the email. I can do lunches away from him and hair appointments etc but I’m not ready to leave him for an evening, and I’m ok with that. In a few months, I will be ready. You’ve got to do things at your own pace and some things will take a backseat but it’s so nice to read you guys are stronger for it now.
Here’s to nights out in the future sans babies!xx
Definitely do what feels right Kate, there will be nights out with friends for years to come, but your baby won’t stay little forever. I had a weird period of mourning when Elle stopped feeding as I hadn’t expected it and was totally unprepared. I think I would have relished those final few feeds much more. (Which is crazy to say given how much I hated BFing to begin with!!!!)
We definitely are, although it’s tiring having a toddler, things DO get easier when they sleep and nap more consistently. You can have a few glasses of wine and know that you’re not going to be up at 2am or 5am feeding xxx
I loved this post. Thank you.
Thank you Emily 🙂
Apologies if already covered elsewhere and I’ve missed it and also for a bit a tangent bit could o ask how you did the transition from feeding to sleep and at what age? Did it just happen naturally? I feed to sleep our almost 7 month old which normally works really well and I’m happy to do but would like to know there is a future of being able to share bedtime duties more with my husband (who’d like to too!). At the moment I worry he won’t go to sleep as easily once he’s fully weaned as he really fights daytime naps when I have to walk him to sleep! Thank you!